I am very grateful that Maika put up this thread again. I relate very closely to your situation, although I am still in the very early stages (6 weeks post BD). I am doing all the work (GAL, 180s, NC, talking with a a therapist, reading (already did the codependent book), exercising a ton). I know that I am a better person and stronger than ever before. However, I still struggle with detachment, with feeling that the W will never see these changes.
How long did you go NC? I know all timelines are different, but it is hard not to feel any connection slipping away.
If you don't mind taking a look and commenting on my sitch, I would love to hear your thoughts.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I haven't seen Benito kicking around here in a while, but hopefully he sees this and comes back to give you his perspective.
If I remember correctly, he was virtually NC for months. And then when he met his W to discuss D options, things started to change slowly as she saw Benito in a new light through all the changes he had made.
I think the big differences is that he took up the opportunities to hang out with her when she initiated, even when it was to talk about D. Which then led to them casually hanging out at times, which he treated like hang-outs with no expectations and with detachment. He wasn't hanging out to get her back, but just spending time with her and then continuing about his life as if she was never coming back. That mental shift is huge IMHO and it shows very clearly if you're trying to fake it. But, that's why the space and time is important because you need to come to an authentic grounding to be able to do that.
I hope he comes back with an update and more insights for your sitch Davide.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Benny's was one of the fastest turnarounds I've seen and his threads were a wealth of information for new people. Unfortunately he became concerned that his W might see the threads and he asked for them to be deleted. The reason his threads were so valuable was because he came here exactly like everyone else- desperate to put things back to "normal" at any cost, sure he would die if he couldn't get his W back, convinced that he should be begging/ pleading/ pursuing and completely unconvinced that DB'ing would work. But despite his concerns he was a model DB'er, and one of the best listeners and "implementers" I've seen here. He well and truly listened to the advice and he implemented it EVEN IF HE DIDN'T AGREE WITH IT, which he often didn't. I think he was even surprised himself when it started turning his W around. And DB'ing didn't just turn his M around, it turned Benny around. He was heavily codependent in his M and had no confidence in himself at all. But once he accepted that his old M was dead and gone and that he was the one that needed to do some hard work on himself, he got down to business and somewhere along the line realized that he COULD do it. He COULD be independent and strong and self-reliant. And THAT attracted his W back to him. I hope he checks back in now and then, his is a great story!
My apologies to react to something from what appears to be seven months or so ago. But Painful made an assumption about it being easier if there is no OM involved and I just want to say that I have seen a turn around with OM still involved (at least emotionally) so we need to not assume that everyone has the same situation.
What appears to me is what helped B as it helped me is that we both seemed to have looked for things we needed to change about ourselves. And perhaps the other overlap is that are W wanted to wait for changes. If I remember correctly reading older threads when I was going through my stuff was that some folks had real resentment and anger towards their W for having OM. That resentment is understandable but it seems to delay/make impossible any reconciliation.
DR to me is that this is a marathon and not a race and if you treat it as a marathon it might actually be a much quicker turnaround but it is all so very dependent on specifics. My W drove to work. We lived together. She agreed to MC (after I rejected that idea for years).
If I remember correctly reading older threads when I was going through my stuff was that some folks had real resentment and anger towards their W for having OM. That resentment is understandable but it seems to delay/make impossible any reconciliation.
This is exactly why I am going to presume my Ws EA is over until I find out otherwise, and not let my resentment delay or prevent any possible R. There will be plenty of time to work through the repercussions of the EA, without me having to bring everything up the second she decides to discuss our MR.
LBH 47 WW 47, M 15 T 18 D 11 S 14 BD, I moved out (duped) Jan 18 3 yr EA with ex-H discovered: Feb 18 I moved back in: Aug 18 (against her wishes) ...No R No M/C, continued limbo, dropping the rope!
It must have been something in the air that made me randomly check the site today, and lo and behold my thread is on the first page! - coincidence I am sure - but bizarre all the same.
Anyway, down to business..
Davide - Your statement - I still struggle with detachment, with feeling that the W will never see these changes.
The bold bit for me is key. Your obviously still looking at this process as a mechanism to entice your partner back. Even though I 100 per cent understand this, and you shouldnt feel down for falling into this trap, in my opinion it is focusing your energies to change for something other than changing yourself.
When you met your wife, there would have been a point, where you were both attracted to each other purely by simply being the person that you are. That was enough.
Obviously as daily life takes its toll, and time passes by, we begin to see the person that we are with through the story in our mind of what they like, what they dont like, arguments and disagreements you have had etc etc.. And rather than just being true to yourself (which they were attracted to in the first place) you start to tailor your behaviour to suit what you have learned about them over the years.
The issue with this is that over time, it will lead to resentment from you or the other party, when you finally have that awakening that you/they are not happy anymore - because you are so far from your true self - you are not only different to the person they met, but now, you are being blamed for taking them away from the person that they were before they met you!
So in its simplest terms we are playing a mental game to maintain (or regain) the relationship rather than being true to ourselves and just letting the rest play out the way it needs to play out.
In no way shape or form an I religious, I have no real feelings either way, however I have learnt to have faith (in the universe more than anything) that if I am true to myself, and I am truly honest about my self worth, that if I stay positive, and focus on the things that I am grateful for, rather than the things I dont have - that things will work out in the end.
I dont want this next sentence to sound like partner is some sort of prize (I'm just trying to express my thoughts the best way I can) but getting my partner back was a relatively easy and low effort exercise.
She came back, bit by bit, over a 9 month period, on her own accord. I can honestly say this was because I focused on me rather than winning her back.
If I tried to win her back, I would be divorced now.
People dont need convincing to return. They want to return.
I had issues personally. Very co-dependant, parental issues and just a bit mopey.
I wrote down my name in the middle of a piece of paper, and from that just jotted down everything that came into my head about me. I was surprised to find that 80 percent of the things I wrote down where negative, or a bit of a sob story - i.e. poor me - why me? Sort of story.
Would ANY women want to be with a man like that?? - Im surprised she didnt leave sooner to be honest.
For me its like having a home built on sand. Yes you have a relationship - but you are constantly walking that fine line of not knowing if its all going to fall down or not. The best decision, is to knock the house down, dig anyway the sand, put in solid foundations, and build again. Yes, it will be awful destroying the house you built - but you know in your heart of hearts its the right decision in the long run for your own piece of mind and a stable.
It is EXACTLY the same with a marriage - you cant expect the have a solid genuine relationship, if your personal foundations are not solid before hand - not after or during.
There is absolutely no guarantee that if you turned into Mother Theresa your Wife would come back - however I will tell you from experience that if you do this right, you start to enjoy time on your own, understand you will be lonely for a while and cry for a bit, in the end when the dust has finally settled, you will start to question if you actually want them to come back at all!! - But that jump of faith into the unknown is the hardest part of all but you can do it.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/05/1811:56 PM. Reason: restored post
