JDub, Firstly, never read a self help book before bedtime, it's like trying to do homework, lol! Secondly, your wife's actions are that of attachment so continue acting as if. Don't ignore all the calls/texts, just answer them when you feel your most stable and detached. I don't know if you've read the lighthouse story but it sounds like it would be a solid read for you. To summarize, your wife is like a ship out in the storm, your job is to be that lighthouse, steady and sound, shining the light out into the storm and darkness. You do not join her on the waves for then you will both drown, instead you shine the light (making yourself a stronger, better man) and it is up to her to steer towards shore. You cannot control what the captain of the ship does so stop wondering so much about her thoughts/philosophy/etc...keep the power flowing.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
JDub, it doesn't change what you do. You keep improving yourself. All she was saying is it reduces your chances. I'm getting blamed for everything, but I haven't come across anything that says I should do something differently. This is also why you need to do changes for you. then if things don't work out, you have a better you to go through life with.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
Sara - Thank you so much for your perspective. I read your story the other night...sometimes as much as I'm dealing with a situation that stinks, I see what folks like you are going through, and I feel badly for complaining!
Quote:
your wife is like a ship out in the storm, your job is to be that lighthouse, steady and sound, shining the light out into the storm and darkness.
If I may vent for a moment...W has been on antidepressant meds for about 10 years, just stepped off of them. The person who organizes family events, decorating for Halloween or other holidays, even coordinating with friends on carpools...it's been me. I've been that source of light and stability for years. My kids know it, too...my S15 made a comment about 18 months ago that when mom goes on business trips it's fine at home, but when I go it's chaos, so they prefer me to be home. Our friends know that she's atrocious at responding to texts, so they default to me.
I know she values calm, and that's something I'm working on...it's a sudden change in approach for me. I've been the primary parent getting the kids ready in the morning, so I am a little more bossy with them than she'd like. I'm trying to soften my methods.
There are two things that I'm seeing in conflict on these boards (and I could totally be missing it, please weigh in): 1) being the lighthouse is seemingly in conflict with detaching and "Sandi's rules." Being that calm source of light isn't sexy 2) when she feels us getting close, she pulls back (especially with sex, but really with everything). It's not safe to her. I don't know how to establish "safe." Anxiety takes over (she will have anxiety no matter what happens). I can't figure out how to jump over that impasse as a couple, or invite her over.
In short, I don't know that even being that source of light is enough. It's up to her to address her anxiousness and emptiness. She seems to be reaching out, really wanting something, but I can't figure out what, or if I'm equipped to help her get there.
then if things don't work out, you have a better you to go through life with.
When I was single, I did single-person things. I went to more happy hours, had friends over to watch football, went on singles trips to foreign countries, threw myself into work, etc. Goal was to do fun things, have fun experiences, and meet women along the way.
So when I am presented with the argument above, that I'll do things to be a better me, I get stuck on the "how" and "what" to do. Because at least in my mind, taking a salsa dance class (something I've always wanted to do) is a great way to engage a member of the opposite sex...but I want to stay married to the one I have at present.
W was a musician and last year started to play in a community band (after I introduced her to one of the main organizers). That's exactly the kind of thing I think your comment speaks to. I don't have those skills, so aside from going to the gym (check!), I have a very short list of things that I'd do to make me a better person (and not be on the path to couple up). I'm open to ideas on this.
I use meetup.com for a lot of activities. Especially on the days I don't have much going on. Also I get to meet new and interesting people. Meeting new people is making yourself better. IMO it shows that you can continue life in the Sh$t of a situation.
If you use to travel a lot, how about driving to a town or city you never been too. Also you use to invite friends over to watch games. How about hosting a mans night for watching games. Some suggestions.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Spoke to DB coach today. She patterned-matched my W's odd behavior to an MLC.
For some reason, I'm overcome with anger. I'm glad she's out of town and not back till tomorrow.
I think the reason I'm pissed is that the pattern typically involves OM or some kind of EA that looks more attractive than the H and family. W keeps insisting that there isn't anything going on, and aside from the professional older skype friend on the other side of the world, I haven't found anything to prove otherwise. I think trying to bust that up will backfire big time, and I'm not sure there's any fire there anyway. She offered to introduce me to him...just not sure what I'd say.
Also she has been commiserating more with her college BFF lately, who is going through marital problems of her own. This stuff feeds itself.
Kind of thought I'd be the one to have an MLC. I don't like being on this end of it.
Coach gave some good advice, mostly focused on rebuilding the friendship. I'm not super into that today, maybe that will change when W returns late tomorrow.
J......I got the same from ym DB coach as well. I think there is OM but I have no proof either. At minimum she is going out with friends, meeting guys, possibly dating etc. I have asked her twice early on and she denied. Since she has moved out I stopped snooping, asking etc. I try to be as friendly as I can be however I am 3 months in and she has shown no signs of the family being a more attractive option. I wish I had better news for you based on my history however you are probably in for the long haul if you want to try and and stay together with your W. My reality is the same and at some point I will have to decide when I am ready to file myself if she does not change her heart.
Joseph, I think the one main difference is that my W hasn't moved out...yet. If that were the case I'd be right where you are. May still be in for the long haul, I don't know.
Tonight, against my better judgment, I went on a mega-snooping binge.
She had been texting with her high school BF a couple of years ago, and MC a) told her to stop it, and b) for me to get an IC. We both followed through.
What I did not know until tonight was that she told xBF at the time that I have an intense jealousy problem, and it's making life hard for everyone. Like I have a sickness or something.
I do get jealous, but mostly I can't stand secrets, and W likes to keep some things private. I'm starting to consider tonight that maybe my behavior has been suffocating, and she's not cheating/hasn't cheated at all. Maybe I have been paranoid. Maybe I should focus on our friendship for now and just relax. I don't know why it is so important to her to maintain these guy friendships outside our marriage, but maybe it just is. I don't know.
Would be nice if we could get sex going on a regular basis, that would take the edge off for sure.
Quick update...W returned from helping her dad move into retirement community on Tuesday with a ton of positive energy directed at me. Has lasted all week, no talk of D, no talk of S, definitely no R talk. She said I got better looking while she was gone
Couple of nights ago she told me that I looked really good in my glasses and I should wear them more often. I (tentatively) said that she was full of compliments lately. She replied that I have been "an exceptional husband lately" and that she's noticing the things I've been doing differently, and wanted to make sure I knew that she was noticing.
Got to get the sex life in gear, but we'll take it slowly.
She sure seems sincere. Part of me wants to make sure I'm not being manipulated, but I'm trying to let that go for now. Probably going out to see some music w/friends tonight which is a little unusual for me...I like the idea of being less available. We'll see if that creates some desire.
Kids both had plans on Saturday night, so W and I ended up having some time together. My music plans fell through, so we went to a nice dinner and took a walk afterwards on route to a goofy show. I was kind of quiet at dinner, but over a bottle of wine we talked about vacation plans and getting older and wanting to travel and not wait till we're older. We both have wanted to do that more, but it's been hard with kids and our own aging parents.
On our walk I asked her if she could elaborate about her "exceptional husband" comment. She said that I was making a real effort to approach situations differently...I've been more calm at home, helpful in the kitchen, etc. etc. There was a long list of things. I said that I've always helped with the dishes, maybe she's just now noticing? She said that I have, but it seems to be coming from a different place within me than before. She can feel a difference in my approach.
She's a little skeptical that it's permanent, but I said that I'm trying really hard to dial down some of the intensity (my IC calls it "hyper-vigilance") and relax. And being involved without asking for anything in return.
She said that this is the guy she's delighted to be married to. Was so positive!
We talked about some differences in who we are, how we approach certain situations, and it was really productive.
For the benefit of the people on the board who may discover this, here are some things I've done differently (my 180s) that W noticed. Thanks to Sandi, 25, and others on the boards: - Look her in the eye while engaging in conversation - Do my part to create a mellow, calm environment at home. This was super-important. - Validate and listen, don't talk over her, speak in "you" statements - Don't over-analyze texts and emails she sends me. Stop looking for meaning in everyday interactions - Attempt to GAL (even suggesting things that I plan/want to do) - Find fun "couple things" to do together (she calls kayaking "our new hobby") - No pressure for sex, just let it lie for now - Give recognition and thank you, always - Offer to help our niece when she really needed help on a project - Don't initiate R discussions, just let her talk/drive. - I tried out her new fitness classes at her suggestion, which she viewed as taking an interest in her life - Laugh. Chill. React differently. Don't fall into the same discussion patterns. - Did all this without asking for anything in return.
Regarding the "calm at home" part: I told her that I'm trying really hard at this. I'm not perfect though. Mornings are hard. My D12 would not get moving this morning so that we could arrive on time for carpool, and I was really growing impatient. W witnessed this as she was going to gym to work out. I do have room to improve, but I own that and will talk to the family at dinner tonight so that we can all brainstorm on what we can do differently. I am trying to view this as an opportunity to build on a positive foundation. We'll see if she thinks that way too!
