Teppo, that sounds pretty good. I did something similar. But TBH it's a hard decision, and I wonder if I'll still feel it was the best thing in the long run.
Will you tell S7 by yourself or will your W be part of the talk too?
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Well, I wonder if STBXW could in some way use this against me, to claim alienation. I suspect she has BPD, and so I'm anticipating a rough D.
I've been careful to not make disparaging remarks about her and just address my side of things.
I also do wonder if it was good for the kids' R with their mother. But maybe this is the NG in me worrying about her R with them. It's not my job to get them to be happy with this, when she is ultimately the one who walked away from this M.
I just wanted my boys to know that this does not represent my values as a person. I believe in M vows and take them seriously. I want to pass that on to my sons. Pretending to be okay with it allows my STBXW to steal this teaching moment from me.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
o I want to tell my S that it's not my decision to get a D, but that I agree that I have to work with the W on making it work for him. Thoughts?
Can you be more specif why you want to tell your son it's not your decision?
LH19,
I don't want to tell my S about the D, that's on my W. I want to be there when she does tell him so I can say that I don't agree with the D, but that we have to make it work and that he'll be ok. As Holding put it, I don't want my S to think that this decision represents my values and view of marriage, which I take seriously.
Married 9, Together 13, Divorce in Progress M: 44, W: 44, S: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/19/17
As Holding put it, I don't want my S to think that this decision represents my values and view of marriage, which I take seriously.
I am not saying that you don't have the conversation with your son in the future when he is mature enough. IMO at 7 years old he is not going to understand and think this is all mom's fault if you word it like you indicated above.
Teppo, it did slip past me that your S is 7. With that in mind, you should think harder about whether to tell him. The nuance of his mom wanting out but not you, might be something he just can't grasp right now. Do you have an IC you can ask about this?
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
T......you and your W need to sit down together and tell him if at all possible. He is also way too young to have the thought of his mom being responsible for this in his mind. There will come a time where you can sit down and tell him the truth but not now. Maybe over your first beer together
When my W and I told our D's (who are 8 and 6) we told them that sometimes mommies and daddies need to live a part even if they love each other. They both cried and asked us if we were breaking up, we didn't even tell them the D word. We thought they wouldn't understand.
We also told them that we loved them no matter what, they would still have the same friends, go to the same school and none of this was their fault. The next day I took a day off and went with them to IKEA to help them pick out bedroom furniture.
It was very hard emotionally to watch my W be so excited about her new place but I didn't want my D's to see that we had issues between us, that I was angry and putting that on them.
My kids are 7 and 5 and there is no way they were able to understand the nuances of this conversation. Maybe some day you can tell them when they're much older.
One thing that I can say with 100% accuracy is this - do not put any burden on your kids about what is happening with your MR. My parents didn't do that for me and it was horrific and I am still dealing with trauma from that.
Your kids need to see both parents invested in them and that they respect each other, at least in front of the kids. I know the sentiment about wanting to tell your side of things to the kids and hold your W's feet to the fire - but this not the time to do that.
I would strongly encourage you talk to an IC if you have one about how to approach this conversation. My W and I said the following things:
1. Sometimes parents live in separate homes and that they will now have two homes. 2. We both love them very much 3. We will both be there for them all the time in every way 4. This is not their fault 5. It is okay to feel sad about the changes 6. They can talk to us any time about how they are feeling 7. We love them very much (throughout the convo we reinforced that)
