Despite filing for D, my W still hasn't decided on when she's going to tell our S. I made it clear to her that we have to do it together. In an effort to be civil and provide my S with a family outing outside of church I have invited my W to a couple of events with my S. Not surprisingly she either ignored my invitation or gave a lame excuse to not attend. Mind you, I didn't care if she came, I just wanted to give her an opportunity to spend quality time with our S.
A few days later I found her phone unlocked and noticed that she continues to text her paramour on a daily basis. She told him that my invitations were "unwanted advances"! Naturally, she failed to tell him that I had simply invited her to a family event with her son. It's amazing how she manipulated this. To what purpose? To make the OM jealous? I don't get it.
Married 9, Together 13, Divorce in Progress M: 44, W: 44, S: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/19/17
Your post reminded me of the time I looked through my wife's phone and found that she had been texting the OM while we were on vacation with the boys. I was livid because we were at Disney World on a family vacation and we were just getting ready to go to the Magic Kingdom and she's texting her dumb@ss "friend." I responded to him (my wife was in the shower) and said, "Go f*ck yourself." As you can imagine, it wasn't a pleasant day.
Despite filing for D, my W still hasn't decided on when she's going to tell our S. I made it clear to her that we have to do it together. In an effort to be civil and provide my S with a family outing outside of church I have invited my W to a couple of events with my S. Not surprisingly she either ignored my invitation or gave a lame excuse to not attend. Mind you, I didn't care if she came, I just wanted to give her an opportunity to spend quality time with our S.
A few days later I found her phone unlocked and noticed that she continues to text her paramour on a daily basis. She told him that my invitations were "unwanted advances"! Naturally, she failed to tell him that I had simply invited her to a family event with her son. It's amazing how she manipulated this. To what purpose? To make the OM jealous? I don't get it.
I don't think she's manipulating anything. I think she is sharing how these come across to her. It's pretty standard. Have you read about the pursuit and distance dynamic?
She is perfectly free to spend quality time with her son. You don't need to invite her.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Your post reminded me of the time I looked through my wife's phone and found that she had been texting the OM while we were on vacation with the boys. I was livid because we were at Disney World on a family vacation and we were just getting ready to go to the Magic Kingdom and she's texting her dumb@ss "friend." I responded to him (my wife was in the shower) and said, "Go f*ck yourself." As you can imagine, it wasn't a pleasant day.
Lol yup we were on vacation and I woke up at 130am and caught H texting OW.
I don't think she's manipulating anything. I think she is sharing how these come across to her. It's pretty standard. Have you read about the pursuit and distance dynamic?
She is perfectly free to spend quality time with her son. You don't need to invite her.
Rose, is the "pursuit and distance dynamic" part of detaching or something different?
Married 9, Together 13, Divorce in Progress M: 44, W: 44, S: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/19/17
Rose, is the "pursuit and distance dynamic" part of detaching or something different?
In a nutshell, the more you pursue then the more pressure she feels and the more she will distance herself from you. You break the cycle by pulling back and not pursuing. Typically when you do that the other party will quit distancing, and will eventually start reaching out and doing their own temperature checking/ pursuing.
Even though you are inviting her to what you consider family activities, it looks to her like you're trying to get her to do things with you (which I think if you're honest, you probably are). That is pursuit. Like Rose said, she's free to spend as much time with S as she wants, she doesn't need invitations from you. And clearly from your snooping you've discovered your invites are not welcomed. So putting it all together you want to (drumroll) STOP PURSUING
Ahhh! AnotherStander! Always love hearing from you! Really, I am. To your point, about me secretly wanting W to be with me, I have say I truly didn't care if she came or not. My L loves hearing those stories though...
Married 9, Together 13, Divorce in Progress M: 44, W: 44, S: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/19/17
With respect to telling your kids about the D, Michelle says that the LBS shouldn't lie to their kids by saying that they agree on the D. I want to tell my S that it's not my decision to get a D, but that I agree that I have to work with the W on making it work for him. That we both love him and that this isn't his fault.
Thoughts?
Married 9, Together 13, Divorce in Progress M: 44, W: 44, S: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/19/17
