Well, where to start? I suppose a quick summary so no one has to read all the previous posts?
Oct 2015, xW disappeared with the kids (S10 & D9 at the time), files an OFP. Claims I raped her, and kids weren't safe with me, and only supervised visitation with the kids. Managed to get every other weekend unsupervised, agreed to the OFP, volunteered she could have the house during this time. I moved in with my parents.
I tried to work things out regardless of her crazy claims (hard with an OFP in place!)
December 2015, I had enough and filed for D.
Finalized D May 2016.
I starting seeing new GF June 2016, a girl I was great friends with from 3rd grade through high school.
Slowly worked in a few more days with the kids over that year.
Back in my house July 2016. xW took WAY more than she should have.
Still tried to open a line of communication. Finally started "coparenting counseling" in Sept 2016. Didn't go well, absolutely no remorse from xW. The counselor was terrible, I had to essentially do his job for him.
OFP expired Oct 2016.
My employer permanently closed Oct 2016.
May 2017, went back to mediation, got my time with kids up to 50%.
May 2017, I M'd GF.
June 2017, the news about S12 ...to be continued....
"JM", a distant friend of mine. His parents and my parents grew up together. He was living out of state, I helped him get a job so he could move back closer to home. His wife "MM." Their D9 "NM"
When xW took off, was to be part of this group of friends, to go out and party, to celebrate her freedom from the responsibilities of marriage." Just happened there was a single guy (OM?) as part of this group, 10 years older than her, dead end job, run down house, financial trouble, and a drinking problem. Perfect, he's fun and free! The rest of the group is also a bunch of partiers.
So, over the next nearly 2 years, they lived it up. Overnight parties (one was at my house while I was living at my parents), concerts, hotel rooms every other weekend, an out of state vacation, etc.
xW was responsible for spoiling the kids, and "continuous entertainment" of the children, I am sure as part of the "favorite parent" contest, trying to win the kids over so they want to be with her, and to make up for all the "fun" they missed out on because I'd point out facts (out of money, running TOO much, etc). This included the kids having friends over, nearly every single night, and mostly overnights.
This group brought their kids with to party, the responsible thing to do! The "friend's" daughter "NM" I mentioned above, was my D11's friend (by xW's choice more then D11's choice), they were in ALL the same activities. "NM's" parents really wanted a kid, though not so they could be responsible for her. xW had her over all the time. But "NM" had a thing for my S12. Guess what happened next? Well, time for them to explore, right? They were given unlimited access to each other, so what would be the limit of what they could do? There was no limit!
So, this went on for over a year, at hotels, xW's house, etc, etc, all under xW's nose. Eventually "NM" decided to tell her parents. Lots of missing pieces to the story, lots I still don't even know as this is fairly new. But, it got reported, S12 is now in big trouble, S12 and D11 can't be together unsupervised and can't be at the same house overnight. Eval's are coming up to decide S12's fate.
When I found out about the stuff with S12, I was upset, at xW. OFP is expired, so I laid into her for 4 hours straight, after not saying more than 2 words to her in 1 1/2 years.
She'd say things like "I can't imagine what it is like for S12 to have these things being said about him." I'd reply with "I KNOW how that would feel... it [censored]!" She'd say "will he be labeled as an offended?" I'd answer with "it will feel that way whether he is registred or not. Guess how I know?"
This was an amazing turn around for her. Definitely kicked her off her high horse, thinking she was so much better than me, making better decisions, just to find out she had it backward all along. I explained that overnights are not a good idea, she gave them too much access, they aren't old enough to understand how to deal with the situations SHE put them in. I told her that she claimed the kids weren't safe with me, turns out I am the one who should be concerned about the kids being safe with her. She agreed she was to blame... which was not the relief I was expecting.
Through this, the "truth" about her claims is coming to light, she is being forced to see what she did to me, she is forced to see the extreme consequences to her actions. I told her I worked so hard to protect the children from the situations they weren't ready for, to provide a great life for them, to try to find good people to hang out with to be a good example to them, and she went against that all with her "fun." I've asked a few times "was it worth it? Did you have fun?" She hasn't answered yet.
Jesus. I have no advice, but I offer my condolences on this extremely messed up situation, and count my blessings for what I have.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
A little irony I forgot to mention above... in the process of venting at xW for 4 hours straight, she says "I am so glad you are helping me with this (issues with S12), I could never do it without you, I would just screw it up."
There's the lure, looking to hook me in again, just like when we first met. But this time I watched it slide by, and realized the game for what it is.
In one of my previous threads, I was asking some questions about dating, life after divorce, etc. Some of the regulars here said many don't come back to talk about life after starting a new "R", a new life, a new love. So, I'll share that part of my life for those looking for what to look forward to.
My xW and I will never have a healthy relationship again. There's a reason for that, we never did have a healthy relationship. I have my issues to deal with, I am not perfect, don't get my wrong when I point the finger at xW.... but I will continue to say she was 95% of the problem. My new W had a previous relationship that was similar. I don't know the general term for it, it isn't narcissism or any common term people are familiar with. But it is a sickness. Am unhealthy opinion about right and wrong, a hugely negative view of the world. And an even more negative view about what they think that others think of them. "Victim mentality" seems to be about the best fit.
I could give xW a perfect compliment, and it was twisted in her head to be an insult. She'd say it back to me, in the same words, but change the order of the words. I'd have to then rethink what I said, realize what happened, and restate my previous comment, and the difference that the order of the words makes. But then when I did explain it, that it was a positive that was changed into a negative, she would get defensive, say that by me explaining it, I was saying she was stupid. Where did that come from? Which would lead to the next thing, trying to explain that I didn't think she was stupid.... a vicious circle, continuously trying to explain my every word, my every action, to someone who wanted to see NO positive from me, only negative. It never ended. It was never happy. It was never good enough. I would state to her that she twisted what I said, she'd think about it some, but then later just get herself wound up again. 21 years of that! What an emotional workout. I don't know why. I may never. I feel bad for her, that has to be a terrible way to live. And I have a hell of a time cutting that string, feeling responsible to help, feeling I abandoned her because she just can't seem to function on her own.
I'm the kind of person where it's hard to bring me down. Not bubbly, but certainly not crabby or moody. xW tried so hard, and I think she felt like she failed when she wasn't able to bring me down, accusing me of being cold and uncaring. She would ask me straight out "how can you be so happy all the time."
Now with the new W, we are both somewhat paranoid, always waiting for the other to snap, always feeling like no matter what we say it will be understood backward. LOTS of years of the insanity really wears on a person, has a permanent impact on you. We've been together over a year, M'd since May. Every day gets better, but every day we have to deal with tearing down these walls, rebuilding our ability to trust others.
Where did I go wrong? I participated! I wasn't smart enough/strong enough to see what was happening, and walk away before it was too late. But why did we stay so long in such screwed up relationships? That is the part I don't understand. My xW is exactly the type that I would identify as someone to RUN from. But I didn't.... I M'd her, stayed with her for way too long, was pulled down by her mental illness, and then blamed by her that I was the problem that she needed to escape from.
I still believe that xW and I staying together would have been what was best for the kids, as I would have been xW's babysitter to keep her from doing stupid things with/to the kids. A lot of work for me, yes... but still what is best for the kids. On the other hand, even when I do talk to her, and now see her without being "blinded by love" or whatever it was, I am so glad to be out, to now be with someone happy, excited to give her love freely, and the new W and I can now be the positive role model in my kids life.
That's quite an ex to have to deal with. My only advice is not to let her craziness and lack of moral character interfere with your marriage. Your current marriage is the #1 relationship in your life. It has to be put above ALL other relationships. Your ex should be way down at the bottom of the list of your priorities. In fact, the only thing you should give a crap about concerning her is that she's the mother of your children. Considering her horrific parenting, however, I'd already be contacting an attorney that specialize in family law and go for 100% custody. You seem level headed and responsible. With your ex those kids don't stand a chance. The boy will end up in jail and the girl will end up pregnant by 15.
TxHubby, thanks for the kind and supportive words.
The new W is prioritized right to the top, I have heard similar before and making sure I do so.
As far as custody goes... I think that is far more tricky than we can summarize here. I would prefer to limit xW's interactions with the kids, but I just don't see that working. First of all, trying to get the court to agree to such would be nearly impossible. Besides her irresponsibility that lead to the issues with S12, most things she does are decent. She keeps them fed, clothed, clean, etc. School attendance has been an issue, but the rules of probation should fix that problem. If not, it will be one more reason to step up and do something.
Next issue, her bitterness. She is only slightly bitter, for the most part she just forgets about the issues. But if I take any action against her, will make her even more bitter, and it will likely affect the children. Their visits will turn back into "bad mouth their dad" sessions.
