WAS wanting to move across the world - help -2

[sandi2]

Oh - & Sandi2 - yes, my kids and I are US citizens.

Great! I strongly suggest you speak to someone, privately, who could advise you legally. At least know your rights, and see what you can do to protect your children from being taken out of the country against your wishes.

Btw, has the MC been informed that your W came back to the states with the intentions of wearing you down and taking her family back to her home country?

[whywhy]

Thanks sandi2,

I have checked my legal rights and there are actually quite a few options if I ever needed to use it.
She would find it very difficult to take them out of the country without my permission and even harder to hold them abroad as both countries are part of an international agreement and it would be considered kidnapping.

The MC is well aware of her intentions, and is also trying to find a way to break through the wall to her.

I am still trying to believe that she is going through something and that reality will set in.

I'm trying to focus now on her getting some kind of job, however part time just to get her attention focused on something else. She was offered a position for one day a week yesterday. I just overheard her on the phone turning it down a few minutes ago.

MC and I have agreed that we are going to start talking budgets and money to her next week to see if that dose of reality gets through at all.

At the moment she is sick again, so I have had to cancel my plans for tonight (genuinely stomach bug sick). So, I told her I wouldn't leave her with all 4 kids in that state, but would expect the same treatment from her if the roles were reversed.

[whywhy]

By the way, I have an old friend and work colleague in town and I had a coffee with him as he has worked out something is up.

It struck me whilst telling him the story that, even though this hell has seemed endless, I've only been in this for 6-7 weeks.

Compared to some of the tales I've read on here, that's not even a blink in the eye!

Maybe I just need more patience.

Again, if there were any way I could get her to see the sense in at least trying to work on this, however sceptically, I think I would be in a very different place in my head.

[whywhy]

So, the roller coaster continues!

Two nights ago, we had a really nice conversation over a glass of wine. She was telling me how much it is helping her to "breathe" that I am doing so much around the house and admitted that she has had a breakdown. She said that she wished everything would work out with us and the family, but that she just doesn't feel anything for me anymore.

That was a good night in my books!

Last night, same place, new glass of wine, she went off telling me how she hates it here and that she cries every day and she doesn't know how she'll survive the rest of the school year. She just kept saying how much she hates it. I lost my cool a bit and told her that I understood it and also understood it the first couple of hundred times she told me.

Told her maybe she could find a job to give her something to do instead of just "feeling trapped". She didn't take that well.

I'm getting tired!

[whywhy]

So, things are much the same. She is talking to me about not to expect anything from the MC or an intense seminar we have coming up in a few weeks.

Don't seem to making any headway at all. Just seems to be in a status quo.

I did manage to get her to sit down and we put together a chores schedule for the house. I am doing most of it, but she does have responsibilities.

No warmth, nothing. It's soooo frustrating. Am I doing all of this for nothing?????????

[sandi2]

I wouldn't say you are doing it for nothing. I think you are doing it with expectations. That's normal, IMHO. Training yourself to not have expectations from your W is all up to you, b/c nobody else can do it. All you can do is be prepared to know how to respond.

I support your decision to split the chores. After all, she does not work outside of the home, so she should be able to take care of it. There have been many stories of H's coming home to do all the chores and cooking, while his W had nothing to do during the day. It is NEVER a healthy decision for a H to do everything for his W. She becomes helpless, bored, and entitled. The H is jumping around trying to put fires out, and appease his complaining W. It does not work, b/c she loses all respect for a man who accepts her laziness and entitlement, and does her work. I don't know why men think they are suppose to go home from a full time job and do the housework and cooking. If his W is working a full time job, then the chores should be 50-50. But never should it be 100-0.

Since she has grown accustom to doing no work and convincing you she is too frail......or whatever, then she will probably not hold up her end of the chores. So, be prepared. Her incompleted chores should not be picked up by you. That would be a form of rescuing her. I suspect that is the pattern that's been played out through the years. She plays the helpless damsel, and you step in and rescue her. Therefore, that behavior works for her, and the pattern repeats.

When you are trying so hard to get her to change her mind, she responds by putting up walls and showing you she will beat you down........b/c she knows your area of weakness. To use a old movie for illustration, she is like the opponent in the Karate Kid that continues to hit the injured area in order to win. The Karate Kid has to get his focus off his pain and dig deep to draw strength from what he has learned, and then he throws his unexpected move that wins the challenge. Throughout the challenge, he never uses underhanded or dishonorable blows against his opponent. He comes through a winner and with his integrity in tack.

You are the star of your life. You will need to focus on what you are capable of doing. Dig deeply and follow your standard of values and principals. Never compromise your integrity.

[whywhy]

Thanks Sandi2,

I really do want to do more things with my life right now and to get away from her for a bit. But, I have the kids to think about, and she keeps telling me that she doesn't feel strong enough to look after them alone.

So, while I can go out once in a while, once I have the house ready and the kids asleep, I can't travel for work or get away for a couple of days.

In the meantime though, I am starting to think that I may have been reading the situation all wrong.
As I have been reading more, I am starting to suspect that she is in the midst of a MLC and isn't just a WAS. So, not sure if I have been handling this correctly or not.

Need to read more about MLC though.

What do you think?

[sandi2]

I really do want to do more things with my life right now and to get away from her for a bit. But, I have the kids to think about, and she keeps telling me that she doesn't feel strong enough to look after them alone.

What does she mean "strong enough"? Have you seen any signs of mental or physical disability that would leave her incapable of taking care of her children? I don't mean to sound harsh, but when a woman walks away from her husband, the marriage, the home, and her own children b/c she is unhappy.......one thing she needs to face is a big dose of reality. Unless there is a legitimate reason that renders her helpless, why shouldn't she have the responsibility of, at least, caring for them 50% of the time? That goes along with living as a single parent.b

Does she hold down a full time job? Are you giving her financial support?

In the meantime though, I am starting to think that I may have been reading the situation all wrong.
As I have been reading more, I am starting to suspect that she is in the midst of a MLC and isn't just a WAS. So, not sure if I have been handling this correctly or not.

That may be true, however, I seriously doubt as many women have MLC as much as the LBH wants to believe. From what I have observed, there have been a lot of men who have come to the board, who chose to believe their W was having a MLC , rather than a WW or WAW.........b/c to H's thinking, it's easier to accept. I have especially seen this in men who were very resistant in the area of showing tough love. That's JMHO.

After you read about MLC, how about reading on the mindset of a wayward wife? There are five or so many threads. The link to the first one is at the bottom of page one on Sandi's Rules.

[whywhy]

Thanks sandi2,

In reply:

Yes, I do think there might well be a mental condition at the moment. She is on anti-depressants that may or may not be the right ones for her (there is a family history which she doesn't really talk about, so I doubt she would have mentioned to whoever prescribed these to her). And, I noticed that she has doubled her dosage in the past week or so.

I would love to give her a dose of responsibility, but don't think I can risk it with 4 young kids.

To be honest, she has been sleeping through much of the days - she goes to the gym in the morning and then pretty much sleeps till I bring the kids home from school.

This weekend, she slept through much of Saturday and Sunday.

No, she doesn't work - I am the only one bringing a wage into the household. I have asked her to try looking for a job (she was even offered 2 jobs), but she says she's not capable at the moment.

As for the MLC - to be honest, I really wish it isn't as, from the reading I have done, the timespan there is the longest and there is the least possible that I can do as far as LRT or DB'ing.
If it is a MLC, then I do think that all is lost as I can't do anything about or against that.

Am finding myself moving away from her and still feeling so so down at the end of the day.

I am trying to get tougher with her, but she doesn't engage. I asked for some help today with no luck.

[whywhy]

So, we had a MC session yesterday and, this time, I was far more vocal and talked about alot of the things that have been bothering me.

We spoke about her not feeling up to look after the kids and letting me travel for work. She has agreed to let me travel and I've arranged a trip for next week (which I'm really looking forward to).

I told her that the constant nastiness had to stop and that I wouldn't treat a friend that way, so she shouldn't think we can be friends if she treats me this way. She agreed that she has been nasty "intentionally" so as not to give me "false hope". I told her that she didn't need to worry about that and if she ever chose to re-engage with the marriage she could use her words and I would also think about it depending on where I was at the time in my head.

We even spoke about a hug now and then, but that doesn't seem to be happening and I don't know if I should push it, even though I could really use the physical contact as I really miss it.

We have also agreed that she will be doing more about the house and picking up the kids from school.

I also mentioned there that she should get a job.

Also, mentioned how bad an idea I think it is to move countries, financially and for the kids. There was a long discussion in the MC about this.

She then came to me in the evening to speak about this as she is really nervous that I won't agree to move at the end of the academic year.

I feel happy with the day's events and that I spoke up more!

So, for a WAW or MLC (still unsure), should I be looking for more (non-sexual) physical contact. I'm wondering if the odd touch wouldn't warm her or do you guys think it's pushing too hard??