My wife announced she wanted a divorce about 5 weeks ago on a Friday and went to solicitor on the Monday and told the kids that evening (7,13,11) She said she didn't love or even like me any more and that she never wanted to be intimate again (even though we had barely touched in 9 years). We have been married for 29 years and were separated for several months 22 years ago before she came back, She says I didnt change then. We are still in same house but sleeping separately from announcement. She is very angry and bitter/cruel towards me. At the start I asked if we could put the D on hold for 3-4months to give us a chance to get help. Initially she accepted and then within an hour retracted. She will not talk to me and says she has been planning this for 1-4 years! I have not pleaded or begged but I have challenged her early on - stopped doing that now. I have just started with DR book but seems no way through her force field She is good with the kids (although seems to be trying to pull them away from me - esp 13 yr old daughter who is very angry and repeating her mothers criticisms to my face), but treating me with disdain and as if I don't exist/already divorced. Very painful although i have tried to remain positive and not get upset in front of her. I have started work on myself and have had some councelling. Is there any way her heart will soften - I love her still but suffered years of rejection and push me/pull you behaviour from her. I seem to be in a battle to save my family including her - is there any hope?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Luther, only time will tell. The answer to whether there is hope is whether you can offer her something better tomorrow than what you've offered in the past. How do you do that? Work on yourself and get a life. Read DB and DR, they will tell you what you need to know.
Also, read over a few times about what you have written. What is there that is worth saving?
My wife announced she wanted a divorce about 5 weeks ago on a Friday and went to solicitor on the Monday and told the kids that evening (7,13,11) She said she didn't love or even like me any more and that she never wanted to be intimate again (even though we had barely touched in 9 years). We have been married for 29 years and were separated for several months 22 years ago before she came back, She says I didnt change then. We are still in same house but sleeping separately from announcement. She is very angry and bitter/cruel towards me. At the start I asked if we could put the D on hold for 3-4months to give us a chance to get help. Initially she accepted and then within an hour retracted. She will not talk to me and says she has been planning this for 1-4 years! I have not pleaded or begged but I have challenged her early on - stopped doing that now. I have just started with DR book but seems no way through her force field She is good with the kids (although seems to be trying to pull them away from me - esp 13 yr old daughter who is very angry and repeating her mothers criticisms to my face), but treating me with disdain and as if I don't exist/already divorced. Very painful although i have tried to remain positive and not get upset in front of her. I have started work on myself and have had some councelling. Is there any way her heart will soften - I love her still but suffered years of rejection and push me/pull you behaviour from her. I seem to be in a battle to save my family including her - is there any hope?
Hello Luther,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
I'm glad that you have already started DR. Yes, there is hope that her heart will soften.
Focus your time, effort and energy into being the best Luther and Dad that only a fool would leave. Make these changes for you and your children.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
what are the issues your w says are causing this? Do you think there is any validity to her concerns?
Have you gotten the book?
Keep posting, you will find that things can change and improve. Hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Luther, the dynamic you're describing with your children is not at all healthy for them. Regardless of how things work out between the two of you, W should not be rallying the children against you. I strongly recommend you jointly meet with a child and family therapist to learn about how best to protect the children and look out for their emotional well-being through this phase. Tell your wife its not about you, its about the kids and doing what is best for them.
Secondly, you need to parent them. It's not okay for them to disrespect you or to blame this on you. They need to know you love them, but they also need to have discipline in their lives and understand and respect boundaries.
Hope for them is the first thing you should focus on!
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
The situation seems very stuvk at the moment. My wife is is very angry refusing to talk or see councellors even though I have found a very good couple eho are both experinced (both professionally and in overcoming personal traumas). How do I change thr situation and my wifes determination to go through with divorce. She seems to be sleep walking towards mediation (kust sorting out mechanicd of D) and be ptepared to do anything regardless of its impact on the children and hrrself). It seems to be impossible to break through her force field. She will not tolerate anything that may disrupt her dissision.How can I break through and make hrr start to reconsider? She seems seems hell bent on going for D regardless of cost!!
I'm sorry, my friend but right now you can't. You can't make her do anything. You are unlikely to get past the force field with either logic or love.
Which means - although it [censored] - that right now until/unless something changes, you are being dragged towards a D you don't want. Nothing you can do about that. The bit you CAN influence is how you handle that and the kind of process towards D that will work best for you and your kids if you have them. It's ok to say, as many of us have had to do, no I don't agree that D is the best option, it isn't what I want and I will not drive it, but I can't stop you doing whatever you think is best for you and I will respond accordingly. If you decide to look at other options, I will hear you out but until then this will unfold as you make it. Pick up your monkeys in this rotten situation, but please don't let her persuade you to pick up or fix hers or protect her from the practical consequences of her own actions.
If you have not seen a L, please do so quickly. Arm yourself with some information that will help you figure out the best course of action. Dig out the paperwork you need on money etc. Hope that your W doesn't do some terrible things, but protect yourself in case she does. Think hard about the pros/cons of mediation - it can be emotionally painful and doesn't work so well if the other party is not capable of acting honestly and responsibly about factual stuff and money. There are other choices, even though to be honest no one really wins in a D, and the process is grim. Kind of like chemotherapy - you wish you didn't need it, but wishes don't change what is current reality if that makes sense.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
