Yeah but my W has realized what OM has done and how much she hurt me in the process. It's just that referencing him during a fight or a tough discussion is... well.. easy. I was more on edge because we travelled to OK last weekend and some of W's friends had commented to her when she told them about how she was seeing someone else (before I found out) and they seemed to insinuate I wasn't good for her. Obviously they were trying to be there for her but I didn't realize how sitting at dinner with some of them would be... well... triggering? I even said that one male friend (a former BF of her) that I was going to punch him. W then started laughing and explained how that friend referred to OM as an [censored] and this was before I had found out. And W asked what made him say that and he said: it takes one to know one. That meant a lot to W because she always felt he abandoned her suddenly.
And yes I have always felt lucky about my sitch compared to what others were dealing with.
The IC has been magical. Once I saw that W was buying into the process and acted on it (sometimes better than I was) it gave me a lot of relief and focus on working on us rather than try to force a decision.
Thanks for the updates. Great to hear some good news around here.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Lots has happened. For the most part W and myself have dedicated ourselves to making it work. It hasn't been perfect but we definitely are better than we were in a long time (maybe ever). Our MC has been instrumental. This woman is such a gifted person in getting to the bottom and recognizing that we had a lot in common.
Knowing about OM is still rough despite that W has said she feels used and manipulated by him. She is also sad at times at the realization she has been used. At times that makes me shut down because I am thinking: well you should have never done that. But I am able to recognize it now as not her being sad OM is gone (more that she is upset she let it get to this point and how she risked a lot for someone that wasn't even worth it).
BUT.... W is also accepted into the PhD program on the other side of the country so we are going to make it interesting in trying to make it work since we need my income so I am staying here for a while. It has made it easier accepting this as W has said over and over how she wishes I am going with her and how it is going to be hard. My Dean is supportive and suggested I could teach virtual but of course there is a lot of things to figure out.
We communicate better, which has led to overall improvements in intimacy (sex but also emotionally).
W got on antidepressants on her own request and so she is actively working on herself.
Right now I feel good about the path we are on and I am actually not too worried about her being on the other coast... but we definitely will have to keep working on ourselves.
Tobias, thank you for the inspiring update. I know you are in a good place since you are willing to test things with the PHD on the other side of the country. That would be freaking me out!
Good luck and keep up the positive momentum!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I was a bit reluctant to post here again since I feel that I got extremely lucky in my sitch. Well, I had to work hard at it and if you read through my posts you can see an emotional rollercoaster.
But if only one other person can find some kind of recognition and or relief than it will be worth it.
My W is leaving on July 11th but we are in such a better place. There is even talks about a recommitment ceremony. She has taken her depression seriously and is more upset about me not being able to move immediately with her. She told me the other day that she feels positive about us and her actions definitely speak louder than her words.
We still have our issues every now and then but we seem to resolve them quicker and more as a team.
When I was young I was diagnosed with ADHD and recently I suspected I deal with high anxiety. our MC suggested I may have high functioning autism and while I was dismissive it meant a lot to my W that I went for a diagnosis/assessment and guess what? He was torn between high anxiety/ADD and high functioning autism but the conclusion was the latter.
It seemed to have made it easier for my W to accept/understand some of the things that happened. I am still skeptical as I think anxiety plays a larger role but in the end it doesn't really matter. There definitely are things that I recognize that fit with that diagnosis.
I feel extremely fortunate we are here and we often tell each other how we compare last year to this year and how amazingly better it is. We even got to do a redo. Last year we had commencement at our university and the same day we went to go see a concert (this was before I discovered about OM and in fact she had a PA with him the night before). This year we skipped commencement but went to another concert. It was not intentionally planned but we laughed at the coincidence.
Last year I also went on a trip alone after my W encouraged me but in the car ride to the airport I had this really weird feeling I needed to return. When I came back a few days later I had evidence that there was OM. This year I went with friends to a festival and we had a communication plan ready to go.
Sometimes I regret not taking this more serious anytime in our 10 years of knowing each other but alas there is nothing I can do about that.
Our MC has told us over and over that it is amazing and rare how supportive we are of each other's career.
Not much else to say here (which is good) but if people want advice. the DR book is really useful but I think the key advice is to observe and adjust based on your own situation. Don't be stubborn but DO reflect on what the best action step is. I kept talking on here about my instinct and I am glad I did.
Definitely DO look at how your SO is reacting. In my case she was first defensive over OM and reluctant to break contact but thanks to MC (who became our IC) she slowly broke that contact. She now is mostly upset and feels she was taken advantage of but she did say she started feeling in love with me after noticing what OM was like and how I was better. It is still painful and there are moments where I just want to be so mad but ultimately I love her and I recognize flaws in my behavior as well. I wish it never happened but I am not seeing it as an obstacle to our future. So the advice on how to deal with a WW Sandi2 has amazing advice but DO reflect on specifics. YMMV.
The GAL is great advice and I definitely could have done more but it helped. I used to walk around and it made me lose weight and I felt better. I remember going to see a movie alone and when I came back my W said she was sad I went without her. It made her realize what she was about to lose.
Don't tell people. I told a few and I regretted it later especially when my W and I were doing better. I was desperate and needed consolation and someone to listen to me but if you do...pick someone that only you know or have a meaningful friendship with.
DO reflect on your own role. No matter what the other person did...be honest and think of ANYTHING that you can do better. This is hard. I am stubborn and I kept justifying things with "well she did this and she did that". It doesn't matter.
DO think about if you want to be with this person. Yes, financial and emotional reasons can keep us say yes easily but do see this as an opportunity to think about if you are better off alone (or with someone else).
This forum is amazing. I feel bad not coming here more often so I can offer feedback to others but there are a lot of caring people here.
Thanks for the amazing update Tobias! So many of the sitches here end up poorly, we need more that saved their MR to come back and share.
"Don't tell people. I told a few and I regretted it later especially when my W and I were doing better. I was desperate and needed consolation and someone to listen to me but if you do...pick someone that only you know or have a meaningful friendship with. "
This is sound advice. I am a huge advocate for newbies to not share their marital sitches with friends and family. It is a gigantic barrier to R if the WAS feels others are judging them. In my sitch, if I had confided in my family there is no way my wife would have R, she would have felt like the well was poisoned by them having knowledge of her activities.
As you say, be very careful and if you need someone to confide in make sure you can trust them.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
a few weeks before she moves and while I am scared I am also positive that we can make it work.
We are doing a lot better but part of me is sad that we have to deal with this huge distance between us but perhaps this will allow us to truly work on ourselves.
There are moments that I turn to the old Tobias and get defensive. But I need to recognize this move isn't easy for her and she is working on herself.
Oh one weird thing happened that I cannot wrap my head around. From the interactions with the expert I thought he would diagnose me with anxiety but when we met in MC our IC (both couples and individual) she seemed to suggest it was autism. The actual report confirmed my own perception. So I am not sure what happened but in the end it doesn't matter.
The other day we had tickets for a comedy show and I got anxious that unless we went to eat at the place we wouldn't make it in time so I essentially blurted out let's just eat there when my W suggested we look around. Of course the food was expensive and not good so I felt like a jackass and I also felt my W kept pushing when I said sorry the food wasn't good and she said this is why I said let's look around.
I know I need to change that about myself.
We keep telling each other that we are shocked how much we grew in a year together and while the wound that she cheated is still there it is less about the sex she had than that she couldn't be honest with me when I asked her so I had to go snooping after I had a bad gut feeling and seeing her in serious distress. I also hate that she felt trapped and controlled and was essentially biding her time so that she could escape. She seems hurt that I think she might do that again but is also sad and ashamed as to what she put me through. I believe her and trust her but something did get changed that I cannot dismiss.
I will also say that I think our age difference is not a real issue (I am turning 42 and she is 31) but with her recent discovery she has ambitions and felt trapped that it seriously caused a problem. Why she engaged in a PA when her desire was to leave the state was what took me aback especially since x-OM had no desire to do that. I think it was a bad combination of factors. But ever since she has been planning the move and seen me be supportive she seems more appreciative of that. Not sure what I am trying to say but I do think it played a major role in the sitch. I was also happy to just settle here (we had bought a home, her idea in fact) and I was complacent in my job that offered a certain security. She in the meantime only saw challenges and limitations here and was like: I am 30 is this all there is for me?
It has been almost a year since I last posted here apparently.
I am doing well. The marriage is going well although W is at the other side of the country but while there are ups and downs we have gotten much closer. W has also said she is reconsidering the idea of having a child. I am going to run my second half marathon where she lives
We sometimes reflect on what went wrong and we have grown from that recognizing we both had flaws yet only focused on the flaws from the other person. OM arrived at the worst moment and W says she felt manipulated by him. Seeing me made changes helped but what really helped was the marriage therapy and especially the individual sessions.
What a roller coaster ride this was but I am excited for the future. Hopefully, we can live in the same place soon.
