She complained about something needed to be done around the house and told me that I should have done it if I wanted to show her that I am serious
Oh wow, she's full of herself, isn't she? Part of it comes from her sense of entitlement, and the other is b/c you told her you were going to improve........and she took it to mean that it included you catering to whatever made her feel better. It's just warming up, so fasten your seat belt.
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There was some disrespect happening in her conversations at work. So I took her to the side and told her it needs to stop right away. She went on and on justifying it and I listened, when she was done I told her again it needs to stop. She has complied so far since then.
Good for you!
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Definitely not sick of you talking about it because I need all the knowledge I can get. I can now see the resentment builtup over the years and I understand where she is coming from. I have decided not to have any R talks or D talks, but there is something else you should know. I think she may have seen my notes on my phone when I was sleeping. There was a list including no R talks No OM talks in plain words not abbrevated also included my gym goal, among other things in a point format. No mention of my source for the knowledge. How bad is that if she has seen it.
Well, she was suspicious b/c you have been saying and doing things that are different from your norm. So now, she has peeked inside your toolbox. She may try to make fun of your notes, or find out where you are getting this stuff. You cannot allow her to see what you are posting. Keep your phone close to your chest. I bet she doesn't leave hers out for you to examine. If she asks questions about something (you're pretty sure she read on your phone), just say something like, "Why the sudden interest"? Learn to answer her nosy questions by turning it back around for your answer. Don't do it every time, b/c sometimes you can say nothing....and just give her a look, shake your head and say under your breath, "Incredible", and then walk away from her (or turn around to do something else). Sometimes, you don't say anything to her stupid, inquirring remarks......you give her a look as if you were observing a jealous little girl.......and give a little grin, as if you find it amusing that she's asking questions about what, where, when, and who. Are following what I am saying?
I doubt she'll say she looked at your phone, but if she does then say something like, "I guess that means I get a look at your phone, too". You probably won't get that chance......but my point is don't feel as if you have to "explain" anything to her. That is a bad habit a lot of H with the NGS have, and it's hard for them to break.
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She is going away to see her family overseas with S9 for 3 weeks. She plans to discuss D with her family when she is there. Also her birthday is approaching while she is with her parents. Do I send her a message or ignore it. I dont know if she would have given her parents the news by then.
She is going to tell her parents in her own way, which means she'll probably make it sound as if it's all your fault. There isn't much you can do about it, b/c they live away and that's their D.....so they will believe how they want. If they talk directly to you, be honest with them. However, if they do not contact you, don't try to make it your mission to convince your in-laws you aren't the bad guy in this mess. While she is there with them, I suggest you contact S9 as often as you can. If you have to go through her or her parents to talk to him.....so be it, but don't do it as a means of talking to your W. In fact, avoid conversations with her.
Don't worry about your W's birthday, and don't worry about what her parents may think. I realize that may be difficult, but it will send her the message that she can't cheat on you and expect to receive birthday cars, calls, texts, or gifts. Trust me, if you break down and cave.......it will only add to her disgust, b/c she knows if the tables were reversed.....she would not be catering to your birthday. She is trying to dump you! What would you have done in your dating years if a girl had dumped you and had a birthday? I doubt you would have felt pressured to recognize the day, or rush out to buy a gift. I doubt you would have felt guilty for ignoring the whole experience. Am I right? Well, your W has done much worse, and now she is going to watch how far up her a$$ you try to get. My advice is to act as if you are enjoying life without her too much to spend any time showing interest for a woman who has betrayed you......and has no desire in ending her A. This may sound as if I am saying to act as if you are punishing her. No, act as if you are moving on, and that you deserve better. Your heart will want to prove to her what a big sucker you are........but I promise if you do what your emotions want.......you will only shove her further away. Counterintuitive? Absolutely!
During her 3 weeks absence, enjoy yourself. Do things you haven't done since she's been in your life. Find new hobbies, go to new places, whatever you feel like doing. Do not lay around the house and throw pity parties. You can throw a party......just not the pity types. Have your buddies over and grill, watch sports, drink beer, tell jokes.........and whatever you guys like to do when there's no women around. Get in touch with your masculine self. By the time she returns, your confidence should be in better shape, and hopefully, the three weeks she's gone will help.
Btw, if W should call while you are out, or while you have people over, playing music.....whatever......that's okay, too. . Sound upbeat and happy when you answer the phone.........not happy b/c she is calling....but happy that says you are enjoying yourself. Remember what I said about giving vague answers to her nosy questions. Also, recognize her nosy questions from questions about your son, business, etc.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Still here Sandi, Thank you for checking up on me.
The day after my last post.
W wanted to talk. One of the goals in the list she may have read, was no R talks. So I know she purposely wanted to test me. At first I said I dint wanna talk about it, but then I caved in. We had a 3 hour long communication.
I made some mistakes. I mentioned that she is going through an emotional state and mentioned a few points, basically describing w fog, without saying the name. I asked about the addiction feeling, she said no she did not feel addicted. In the convo i mentioned rewriting history and at some point she realized (maybe she was faking it). I mentioned the value to transparency and the betrayal due to the lack of it.
She cried in self pity, I think. And said she wants a D and I said how badly I wanna move forward with my life and get out of this mess and how I am looking forward to my future without her. No arguments just discussions. At some point she mentioned she wants to take it day to day. We also discussed a separate place to live for her to move into.
PS: She thinks my IC is brainwashing me. She seems to be curious to know if my IC is a M or F.
I gloated a bit about my GAL activities and having new goals in my life forward.
I know she still wants to be with OM and wants me as a backup plan. I think she wants to move out f around and then come back think that I will be waiting for her.
Next morning, the day before she goes on the trip to visit her parents, she wanted to discuss an evening event we were supposed to go to. It was a get-together at my friends house, whose w happens to be a good friend of mine. I said it looks like a couples' event, a few other couples were invited, and I didn't wanna go. She said we should as his/her friends. I said in that case we should go in separate cars. She didn't like that. Later on she said her friends wanna take her out for drink because she won't be here for her bday, and she would like to leave early from there. and now she was ok with taking separate cars. Btw it's the same group of friends OM belongs to. Later on we didnt agree on timing when I asked her to shift the time 30 minutes later. She said she doesn't want to go the mutual friend's anymore. It was clear to me she didn't wanna sacrifice the time with OM. I said ok and that was that. Came home from work, she was sitting in the living room, almost looked like she wanted me to talk about going together. I didn't. Went to the gym. when I came back she was gone. Then I spent an hour with S9 and went out to GAL.
Next day. No convo in the morning, I went to work. Came back in time for them leaving for their trip. Hung out for a few mins. W mentioned taking a cab to the airport. I sent a text from another room, saying I don't mind dropping them unless she prefers a cab. She said sure. Dropped them to AP. kissed S9 good bye, I was walking away she said thank you, without eye contact, I said have a good trip and left.
S9 skyped me from the airport, I'm was with friends eating. W put the camera towards her after I was done talking to S9, I ended the call after I finished talking to her.
S9 called a couple more times from her phone when they reached, I completely ignored her. At this point I think she may me using that against me to her parents to justify her BD, also I didn't know who else was in the room at the time of video call.
What are the greeting rules when detaching and ignoring?
On her bday S9 initiated a v-call, I talked to him. He mentioned w b-day and pointed the camera towards hers. I said I will wish her in private. He insisted, I wished her happy bday and then she turned the camera away back to S9. Have had no interactions while She's away other than one time when I asked her to get S9 to call me.
Hi Sean, all these little interactions don't really add up to anything in the grand scheme of things. I think a lot of LBSers get concerned early in their sitch that every little thing they do could be "right" or "wrong" so they feel like they have to post every little interaction so it can be evaluated here. You need to get to the point where these small interactions just don't matter to you, because you are so busy GALing and being an awesome dude Try to quit worrying about whether you should say "happy birthday" to her or not, or what to do when S points the phone at her. Just go with the flow. Treat her like a "friendly neighbor", you can wish her a happy birthday, it's not going to wreck your sitch!
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What are the greeting rules when detaching and ignoring?
Detaching and ignoring are two completely different things. Detaching is good, ignoring is bad. Detaching simply means you are no longer on her emotional roller coaster:
Not detached: Wife happy = you happy Wife mad = you mad Wife sad = you sad
Detached: Wife happy = you happy Wife mad = you happy Wife sad = you happy
Detachment takes a while, it's not something you just flip a switch and make happen (although that sure would be nice!)
Give her time and space, but don't ignore her. Don't initiate contact, but if she does it's fine to respond/ reply.
Sean....as far as text messages go I only respond to the ones that require responding. If it is actionable then I respond if it is just informational then I don't.
I also don't initiate any contact with my W unless it is a question about my children. Usually those contacts are done via email or text. Usually the only verbal conversation we have is during kid drop off and pick up.
For example, last night I dropped the kids off, made sure I looked buff. Said Hi or hey or something like that, she exchanged hugs with the kids, I gave her a receipt for a shirt my mom gave my 6 yr old and told my W it didn't fit. I could tell she wanted to have more conversation but since she did not initiate it at that time I cut the conversation off, told my D's I would see them on Friday, gave them hugs and left. As my W was walking into her apt I notice that she looked back at me. Then later on last night I got a text from her about my D and how upset she was the Grandma and Grandpa were leaving. Since it was informational I didn't respond.
I'm not sure if this helps or not but it is the general approach/guidance that I have been given by Sandi and AS. It also helps me detach.
I think you are getting it. Leave her wanting more (conversation, your attention, being with you, etc). But let me give you a hint about going places as a couple or as friends. Don't do it. This is her wanting to eat cake. She only wants to use you to present a deceptive persona to others. So, I'm glad you did not go with her.
As how to greet her, I think the checkout clerk anology works. You smile, speak, if she offers small talk (the weather, how you doing, etc), pretend she's the checkout clerk. B/c checkout clerks don't really care about you. They don't want to hear about what you have been doing. Don't say or do anything you wouldn't say or do if you were going through a checkout line in your local wallyworld. You just want to make the transaction and get the heck out of Dodge.
I guarantee those actions will be much more productive than anything else. And btw, when your son turns the phone camera toward her, b/c he wants you to say something to her.......just say, "Son wants me to wish you happy birthday, so happy birthday". That takes away any question that you are wanting to pursue her. If she is turning the camera on herself and she's not saying anything to you, I suggest you appear distracted by something else until the camera is back on your son.
When you are consistent in these actions, I think she'll use temp checks, to measure how attached you are. If you don't cave, then I'll think she'll pursue you. Sit back and enjoy the show. Just don't forget it is fictional. The minute you take her seriously, she'll pull away and you'll suffer again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
. Sound upbeat and happy when you answer the phone.........not happy b/c she is calling....but happy that says you are enjoying yourself. Remember what I said about giving vague answers to her nosy questions. Also, recognize her nosy questions from questions about your son, business, etc.
Try to quit worrying about whether you should say "happy birthday" to her or not, or what to do when S points the phone at her. Just go with the flow. Treat her like a "friendly neighbor", you can wish her a happy birthday, it's not going to wreck your sitch!