I'm going to need a little help with threading the links. Sorry in advance!
I've been recognizing a pattern lately about my H and his family. There's a LOT of relatives that are mentally unwell throughout his family. Three of his first cousins have been put in mental faculties. H was at age 16. His 2nd cousin stayed locked up in his room all the time and was locked in when the family had to go out. He was shot and killed by the police bc he wouldn't put down lawn shears after a confrontation with his dad.
They all live a double life. My MIL has no idea who her son is. She thinks he's been working our entire marriage and a gem as a husband, She doesn't know about the holes in the walls he's put there when he's been drinking. She doesn't know about all the alcohol, either. She's a drinker and she hated when I threw hints he had too many. She is very spiteful like her son, too. Blatantly spitieful.
Another cousin was put in facility while she was pregnant so she wouldn't have to do time for 3 DWIs. She got them all in one year. Her mother has custody of her first kid. DSS came out after neighbors called the cops when her and her boyfreind drank and fought. Her 2nd child was born out of wedlock whose dad is a toothless guy she met while she was stripping. This is a girl who speaks four languages fluently and has an IQ of 140. You can put her anywhere in the world and she'd do exceptionally well.
Her double life was exposed when we saw her on the news for emulating sex acts while stripping. She looked nothing like the sweet girl I'd known at family gatherings. They have a lot of those so I felt like I knew her very well. She doesn't drink anymore, but has discovered pills. She had a planned 3rd child with the same toothless guy who is not at all in her league. She eventually married him. I cried the whole time bc she has really has settled for less. He's not even that nice to her.
I don't understand how folks can put on such an act for so long. I always knew everyone was putting on airs, but in no way did I know how fake they all are.
What does this say about a family? My H is obviously unwell as many of his other family members. I would love to show my MIL some of these texts that are very telling of his state of mind. I know I can't do that, but sometimes I think she would insists on him getting some help. I've known this man since we were 12 years old. I still worry about him sometimes.
I want to find some compassion for my H, so I can eventually be his friendly w/him one day. Not to stay married to him, as that ship has sailed. Only to be friendly. I know I can't forget some of the stuff that's happened, but I will have to have him in my life bc he won't give me full custody of our dog. He's barely seen him since he's left, but God forbid give up his custody. I will have to have some sort of contact with him, so I would like it to be cordial.
Any thoughts on this family dynamic? I'm more curious than anything.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Nee, I love your new thread title. Good luck at work. Remember there is always a learning curve to everthing and it can take a while to hit your stride.
You and I share the co-dependence thing and worrying too much about these guys and their mental health. Both of us need to turn that spotlight onto us and let them walk their path. Most of these MLC guys are chaos kids. People who are well-adjusted and had a good childhood generally don't end up in this place.
Thank you for your well wishes this morning! Everything went so well. I'm scared to gloat too much bc I don't want to jinx it, but I can't help myself! It really is everything that I was looking for in a job. God was looking out for me big time.
I did get sad that I couldn't tell my H how well my first day went at a new job. I'm tearing up now thinking about it. I was really proud of myself and wanted so badly to hear "That's wonderful, baby!" His former self would be thrilled to see me this excited and happy about a new job. Maybe it's more that he would be happy that he could work less. Who knows what he really thought when we were together..? It seems like all those years we had together didn't happen at all, so I can't say what a genuine response would sound like from him.
I can't believe that I'm actually questioning whether my H would be genuinely happy for me that I found a job I like that pays a decent salary. Not a very respectable salary, but a decent one. The questioning of the unknowing is still a hurdle that I need to overcome. I'm hoping this job will keep me busy enough to curb those thoughts.
Why do I care what he thinks about my day? Why can't I stop this hurt and anger yet? I want to talk to my best friend about what he's putting me through, but HE is my best friend. Well, he was up until he left. We are such strangers right now. I don't know who this man is that I've known for almost 35 years. I guess none of us do of our H's today.
Well, I'm headed to bed shortly to get a good night's rest. I think I may actually sleep well from a hard day's work for a change. Hope so!
Thanks you for stopping by! I have heard great things about alanon. I had no idea how many people I knew that went when they were kids from a parent's addiction. I may try to find a group near me and give it a try. I've not had to deal with this drinking in so long that I've almost forgotten how badly it upset me when I was living with it. It wasn't good...that I do know.
Good luck on your journey, too. I've read your threads before I started posting on here, so I know you've been in the thick of this like the rest of us. This has been so hard for so long. I'm grateful to you all who've shown me that things do get better.
hi Nee, I read your posts and I am truly sorry you are here. wanting the hurt to go away is the number one wish for many of us here. You are doing the right things by sharing your story and feelings here. After all, who to better understand and listen to you than a bunch of fellow LBS'rs.
With time, it does get better. Learning about yourself also is a big win. Many of us here were codependent on our spouses. I was. After more than 20 months I can truly say i enjoy being around myself.
I for one am very proud of you for your new job. congrats and keep it up :-)
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
So, I get this text from my H a few minutes ago telling me that he can't find a lawyer to call him back that will give him a free consultation, but he would pay for a consultation if he had to. Then he said, "I know you're in a hurry and I promise I'll get you out of this as soon as possible." I realize now that he's baiting me, so I'm sitting quietly.
I've finally realized that I don't have to control or manipulate these situations anymore. He only wants a reaction from me. He'll be all pissy about it bc he wants me to kowtow, but I ain't feeling it anymore.
Also, I've learned that emotions will come AND go. I didn't have to stay in that funk where I was missing being able to tell him how my first day went at work. The feeling has passed.
What I would like to say to him, "H, you were the one who left and said you didn't want to be married anymore. I can't relive the day you left me or hear those words come out of your mouth again. I won't relive it. This is out of self-preservation, and I have trust my instincts. I hope you can identify with that, and we can continue to be civil from this day forward. Please let me know what you find out from the attorney you choose. Thank you."
I have a mind to say something that makes zero sense whatsoever to show him how it feels. Just some random words made into a sentence. Gosh, that would feel so good. I'm not and I won't. Just venting.
I'm not going to respond tonight because I'm still sitting quietly. If anyone has any suggestions as to what I should do, I'm open to them.
Thank you for your kindness, Irish. It means a lot to me to here this kind of feedback and inspiration right now. Any feedback from our fellow LBS's is helpful for me in some way or another. This really has been a great outlet for me and I'm grateful to you all for that.
I really do appreciate you taking the time to read my posts and checking in on me. I know how difficult this has been for you, too. We all go through this with such heavy hearts and that's no way to live for long period of time.
I think you men are better with your emotions than us women are with ours. Not downplaying how hard you've had to deal with your emotions during this process...just an observation. Maybe you guys aren't too keen on showing your emotions. It's all y'all's fault, Irish. Seriously, I wish I have been able to hold my composure the way you have in your sitch. You seem so calm and still have your faculties. That's what I long for.
Thank you again for your kindness, Irish. I've read your sitch and wish for you to continue the way your going right now. You're a good egg.
