First of all, I am an Indian Muslim, so we come from a very different culture.
So I don't want your suggestions as to who was right and who was wrong. My husband just seems to have lost a lot of interest in me (perhaps after I quit my job). And no, I am not getting a job because I need a break, I can sustain myself without any help, and I am pursuing some hobbies I am really passionate about. We have been married for eight months and basically my husband has been calling me immature, irresponsible, undisciplined, not in touch with reality, spoiled, a person having bipolar disorder and mood swings, etc, etc. He once even said he is not sure if he would have gone along with the marriage had I quit the job two weeks before we got married. So yesterday we had a day out and something upset me at the amusement park. So on our way back in the car I told him that since he was constantly criticizing me, he should also realize how it feels. So I told him he was an emotional abuser, I told him he liked strong women only so he could dominate them and shatter their confidence afterward, I also told him that unlike his father who was a physical abuser, he was probably an emotional abuser and liked to see his woman suffer like his mother did (I also cited one of his ex's example once holding his feet asking for forgiveness and that I wouldn't allow my maid to do that to me), judgemental, intolerant, always blaming others, if he noticed that I no longer wear my ring and that I no longer take selfies with him, along with other hurtful stuff. Well well, he didn't do anything wrong right before I had that outburst, but I guess I was boiling inside for a long time now and eventually it just came out. Then I told him that he should really give it a thought if he actually loves me, and once I knew the truth I would be able to make up my mind about my expectations and demands from him and how we should continue with this marriage. To this he said that we should separate. I asked him if I should leave that very night and he said it was up to me. I told him I was too tired to pack so I would be leaving the next morning. I didn't say anything else and actually even slept peacefully for a while in the car. After we got back home, I slept in the next room. He did show up once at night and put a blanket on the bed but I pretended to be fast asleep. So I got up this morning, packed ALL of my stuff (papers, medical records, clothes and shoes that he didn't buy for me) and also returned him the iPhone that he had given me when he was pursuing me. I just requested him to send me over the snapshots I had taken the day before with the phone since I did not have the time to transfer them (damn it! I forgot my iPad and now I can't read my ebooks). He wanted to help me get my stuff in the cab, but I refused his help and just walked out the door. So now, here are my questions:
1. Did I do the right thing by returning his iPhone? He did ask me "you are leaving back your phone?" 2. Should I unfriend him on facebook? He still has our picture together as his profile picture, but this could be because if he changes it now the relatives may get suspicious. 3. Do I block him on Flickr? (not to offend him, but I keep checking if he has uploaded anything new and I want to stop doing that)
I am not particularly devastated, perhaps what has happened hasn't sunk in yet. I'll probably wake up tomorrow feeling really sick and depressed. Perhaps I feel that he'll come around. I am NOT going to chase him or call him or text him. There is an upcoming event where my mother was supposed to introduce him to the family members who weren't present at the ceremony, but I asked my mother to cancel it. Any other suggestions? Because I am quite old and I don't want a divorce. And yes, I do love him.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm very sorry you're going through this. This board is a wonderful place, full of supportive people with good advice that you have to try to apply to your situation. Very little judgment on who was right or wrong, just help to get your marriage back on track.
I have some questions... Is he an Indian Muslim as well? Was it an arranged marriage? How old are you both? No kids, I assume? How well did you communicate in your marriage before this? Have you been to counseling together? Individually? How was your overall relationship before this? From what you've written, to me, you do not seem very interested in saving your marriage (you seem to have left very quickly). Are you?
I think the answers to your questions really depends on you. If you are done being married to "an emotional abuser and liked to see his woman suffer like his mother did...., judgemental, intolerant, always blaming others," then cut him off completely, but if you want to save your marriage, then I would suggest you get back home, and start having a serious heart to heart, and get and go to a good counselor, maybe call Christi and set up an appointment with a DB counselor. Don't put up with his abuse, let him know that it is NOT acceptable, GAL. Post here often to vent and get feedback.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I'm having trouble understanding. If you want to stay married, what were your goals in storming out?
My 2 cents: 1) it's a little strange to come on here and before you give any information about yourself, you point out some things that you aren't interested in hearing. While I wouldn't necessarily call it being spoiled, it comes off as a little arrogant to me. 2) recognize that you can only change you. So if you were to get back together, what would you want to be different in you? You called him judgmental and blaming of others; how would you describe yourself in the information you provided? You describe a lot of passive aggressiveness - removing your ring, stopping taking selfies, pretending to be asleep...without really communicating any trouble.
I doubt you will like this post, and I'm not trying to be rude. My point is really that if you want to save the marriage, then the first step is to look inwards and see which of your behaviors led to this point. Then it's time to do some house cleaning of your self.
I'm very sorry you're going through this. This board is a wonderful place, full of supportive people with good advice that you have to try to apply to your situation. Very little judgment on who was right or wrong, just help to get your marriage back on track.
Thank you very much. This is the thing with most boards and I am kind of frustrated. Some say I am at fault, some say my husband is at fault, some say I should leave him, some say he should leave me, so I thought I would just let people skip the "who to blame" part and get some sound advice about what I should be doing or acting like right now.
Originally Posted By: Jim1234
I have some questions... Is he an Indian Muslim as well? Was it an arranged marriage? How old are you both? No kids, I assume? How well did you communicate in your marriage before this? Have you been to counseling together? Individually? How was your overall relationship before this? From what you've written, to me, you do not seem very interested in saving your marriage (you seem to have left very quickly). Are you?
Yes we are both Indian muslims.
It was not really an arranged marriage but we didn't really date much. When we went out, we went out as friends. The first time he proposed me, it was very very sweet. He said he didn't feel this way for anyone in a long time and that no one would keep me as happy as he would. First time I turned him down because I didn't love him. But then I gave it a thought and felt that he really did love me and seemed like a really nice guy, and like they say, you shouldn't be too picky. After we got married I really did start loving him.
He is about to hit 43 and I am about to hit 40. We both got married for the second time. No kids. We haven't been to counseling although I did bring it up a number of times.
Originally Posted By: Jim1234
I think the answers to your questions really depends on you. If you are done being married to "an emotional abuser and liked to see his woman suffer like his mother did...., judgemental, intolerant, always blaming others," then cut him off completely, but if you want to save your marriage, then I would suggest you get back home, and start having a serious heart to heart, and get and go to a good counselor, maybe call Christi and set up an appointment with a DB counselor. Don't put up with his abuse, let him know that it is NOT acceptable, GAL. Post here often to vent and get feedback.
I do want to save my marriage. But if he needs space should I not give it to him? Isn't chasing, calling, texting and begging just a turn off? And it seems to be like he doesn't love me anymore, I have been getting that feeling for a while now. If that is the case I don't want to tie him down to a loveless marriage, neither do I want to stay in one. I'll add some additional information below that I posted in another board, perhaps that would answer some of your questions.
Originally Posted By: Kaizen
If you want to stay married, what were your goals in storming out?
He wanted to separate. So what other choice did I have but to leave the house and come back to my own apartment? If I stayed or begged for his forgiveness, it wouldn't have been the right thing to do. Shouldn't I give him time to himself to sort things out?
Originally Posted By: Kaizen
My 2 cents: 1) it's a little strange to come on here and before you give any information about yourself, you point out some things that you aren't interested in hearing. While I wouldn't necessarily call it being spoiled, it comes off as a little arrogant to me.
Like I mentioned above, I have been very frustrated about judgemental comments made by forum members of some other boards when I was first having problems with my husband. And not because they all said I was at fault, some said my husband was at fault, most said we should go our separate ways, instead of giving sound and solid advice. Sorry if I came off as being arrogant, that was not my intention.
Originally Posted By: Kaizen
2) recognize that you can only change you. So if you were to get back together, what would you want to be different in you? You called him judgmental and blaming of others; how would you describe yourself in the information you provided? You describe a lot of passive aggressiveness - removing your ring, stopping taking selfies, pretending to be asleep...without really communicating any trouble.
I have been communicating soooo much that I am now exhausted. We even listened to audio books by John Gray (Mars and Venus collections). Like I said, some of his actions and criticisms hurt me and hence I decided not to take selfies with him (why doesn't he take selfies once in a while?) and to wear the ring once he stops criticizing me and acting disappointed for having married me.
Originally Posted By: Kaizen
My point is really that if you want to save the marriage, then the first step is to look inwards and see which of your behaviors led to this point. Then it's time to do some house cleaning of your self.
You see, I never hid my true nature. If anything, I displayed all of my quirks before we tied the knot to make sure that knew me well enough before he made the commitment. I don't really see he has any room to complain now. However, I still tried to change, to a point that I felt lost. But the more I tried, the newer complaints he would come up with.
Thank you both for your replies. Here are some additional information that might be helpful:
* I actually went back to his place only two days back, without him asking me to go back, and forced a fake smile on my face (trust me, it looked genuine), although I was boiling inside.
* I don't want to do anything to offend him, I have just been doing some reading (like "The last resort technique") and apparently not allowing him to view what I have been doing may bring back the spark in the relationship. The "the last resort technique" tells how chasing can rather be harmful. I am just trying to give him his space, because he keeps complaining that I don't give him space.
* One member asked me:How do you support yourself with no job? Trust fund? Parent's wealth? Lotto winner? Ans: I inherited some property/real estate.
*Why did you say you love him in your last sentence, but are acting like this? It's really pretty crazy. Am I missing something? Ans: Like I said, I had an outburst because I have been boiling inside for a while now. And I feel I should give him space. He shouldn't have to live with someone if he resents that person so much (yes, he once said he developed resentment towards me). I guess I have some resentment towards him too.
*Do you love him and want to stay married to him? I'm confused. Ans: Well right now I am not devastated or depressed. Perhaps because I am still mad at him too for throwing me out of his house when I just went back two days ago. I'll be able to answer your question better tomorrow morning when I'll wake up all depressed and heart-broken. In fact, I am quite sure that is going to be the case. Maybe I am in shock now to feel anything.
*You are no longer living with your H, but you seem to be OK with that as you seem to like financial and emotional distance. Ans: Of course I don't like emotional distance. I would have jumped with joy if he made a call or showed up. I just get the feeling that he doesn't want me to be around.
* His ex-wife told you he has serious ED problems and yet you don't really know if he has ED problems with you? I find that really hard to believe. It indicates that either you and your H are not communicating in the most core of marital issues.
My Ans: I can't accuse him of having ED problems, that'll just make things worse, perhaps shatter his confidence even further?
However, he couldn't perform for two days after we got married and he said that it happened to him before when he tried to do it with somebody new, and that it'll be okay. I think he could finally do it on the third night, and he said he was feeling very confident and for about 2/3 months after that he was unstoppable.
When I bring it up he says he has confidence issues and he'll soon be okay. He says he fears I'll get upset while I have assured him time and again that his not lasting long does not upset me, it's his not making a move is what upsets me. He used to literally do it five times a night in the beginning (although his ex-wife says that was because he was on viagra when he did it, and she is 100% certain that he takes medication to get an erection).
And I have suggested to him that we both see a sex therapist, he told me that he was looking for one and found one, but he didn't bring it up again. He also says that sex is not something you can engage in when you are having problems with your wife. So I really am clueless. He does have an erection when I make the first move but he can't last long and doesn't cum(???? is that normal ???).
It also upsets me when he says: look, we'll not be having sex more than two times a week, okay? Well he is not doing it two times a week though, but what upsets me is he sounds like he'll do it only because he has to.
Perhaps this is the root cause of it all. He is so disappointed with himself that he married me that he lost his attraction. When I ask him why he has lost his attraction he says it's because of the various this, this and that about me that bothers him. I tend to get upset and resentful.
Honestly, even if he's impotent, I don't have a problem. As long as he doesn't put the blame on me and make me feel all guilty all the time.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! Speaking with one of our DB Coaches will help you clarify your goals.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Thanks Cristy. But I like I said, I am from an entirely different part of the world and for me it would be making a long distance call and might be a little too expensive for me to afford. Do you think we could talk on viber or whatsapp?
Neha - I appreciate your responses and not taking offense to my comments. I don't think you quite answered my question though.
Around here, we tend to believe that the downfall of a marriage is basically a 50-50 proposition. It takes two to make a M work and two to make it fail. The problem is that right now, YOU are the one here wanting to fight for your M, so YOU are the on le that has to start to change. You can't go back to the same marriage, because it clearly didn't work. Saying things like "he knew who I was" doesn't really hold water, because that relationship didn't work. Unfortunately, in your posts above l, I don't see an acknowledgment of your own faults so it's hard to direct you on where to go from here.
There's an exercise that I've done that might help you to look inward more deeply. Make three lists. In the first, list the qualities in yourself that you like. What are your core principles that you aren't going to change. Then make a list of qualities about yourself that you don't like. These could be things you noticed or things H may have commented on. Then make a list of qualities in other women that you admire. Your goal is then to look at those things from lists 2 and 3 and set goals for how to embody those qualities.
One last thing. We usually advise not to leave the marital home. Generally, if he wants out or wants space, let him be the one to find it. That said, I AM curious as to why you've been married almost a year and still have a separate apartment.
