My Story - Separated 1 Month

[bluMorn]

Quick update:

My last post was on 5/20. I went dark and didn't hear from H till 5/28, when he asked if he could come by and get a propane tank. He had some friends in town, and they came with him. When they got here their (the friend's) kids all ran up to me and hugged me and the friends did too, and I didn't really interact much with H. I had been sad that weekend because I knew the friends were in town (they come every year and usually stay at this house), and I was feeling very left out. It helped a lot to know they still cared about me and weren't against me or anything.

Then I didn't hear from him till 6/6 - he texted me 'Can I call u?'. My heart dropped, thinking he's probably telling me he's got a new girlfriend, wants a divorce, whatever....I text back 'Sure'. I'm shaking when I answer the phone. He was really just telling me that he reordered his blood pressure meds and they said they had a card on file to charge, so he wanted to let me know that he'd give me the money for it. He also said he changed jobs - went from working at one restaurant to another. The restaurant he was working at was the one we met at when we both worked there - met in 1999 and I worked there till 2010 - he came and went a few times, but worked there for maybe 14-15 years in all. The restaurant he moved to is across the street, and staffed my many people who worked at the other one over the years and are friends to us. I wonder what he's told them about us. On one hand, I'm glad because the old restaurant was really going downhill and the money really was not there (he's a server), and the one he was texting with before BD works there, and he seemed to believe everyone there 'wanted him'. On the other hand, the one he was texting with is a manager, and I know fraternization is frowned upon - may make it easier to get to the next level. I haven't seen any proof that they are still talking or anything though. I really don't know and I try not to snoop, because I know it would just hurt me more.

He did sound kind of sad on the call (maybe just my imagination). He asked how I was doing, and told me to tell everyone hello, though I'm not sure who everyone is. It's just me, 3 dogs, and sometimes my D18 around here. He said he'd probably come by sometime this week to give me money for the car insurance and pick up mail.

H's blood pressure meds came in on 6/7, so I texted him that they were here, since I know he had run out or was close. His restaurant was closed today because it was struck by lightning the other night, so he came over and got them. He came in and sat down (he hasn't done that since he left, he'd always stand if he came in), and we talked for a good 30 minutes. He was telling me about the new restaurant job, and how he was making so much more money and how much he likes it. I expressed my happiness for him, and he talked about how his cousin was getting on his nerves (the one he lives with), and other small talk. He asked me how I was doing more than once, I said I was, not in an overly joyful way though. He asked about the family and my D, I assured him that she does not hate him (because I know that's not true - they have had issues but I know she loves him deep down). We talked about the water main I had to have repaired last week, and I told him that the plumber said next time there's a leak (it's happened 3 times), that if I dig the trench before he gets there, he'll replace the whole thing at a much lower price. H said that when I was ready to do that, he'd be happy to help. He seemed more normal and caring than I've seen him in a while. He pet the dogs and told them he missed them, and asked did they miss daddy.

It may mostly be because he was sober - he usually doesn't start getting loaded until the evening. Even when I texted him about the meds, he texted back more than he normally would - commenting that was fast and thanking me. I don't want to read anything into this though, keeping expectations low. He mentioned that maybe I could come to the restaurant for dinner sometime, and he could get me a discount. One of the managers (his supervisor and the one who talked him into working there) is actually a good friend of ours, he's my stepson's uncle and was the best man at our wedding - so he said that I would actually probably get the whole thing comped. I don't think I'll just show up there anytime, but if he specifically invited me (like come Thursday at 7 or whatever), I would go. There are a lot of our old friends that work there. He mentioned that people have been telling me that I had lost weight and was looking good, though I can't imagine who has seen me and said that. I really don't get out much.

Thank goodness I had just come back from AL-Anon when he came over - I was in a good frame of mind, and it really helped me keep my thoughts together and remember not to push or expect. He even gave me a hug before he left. I did well up a little at that, but didn't let it come out. I don't know if he noticed.

Then about 20 minutes after he left, he texted that it was good to see me. I answered that it was good to see him too, and good to talk for a while. He texted back I agree.

Later on Thursday, after he left here, he texted both Ds a picture of him and them, and I love you messages. My D18 was at the house when he did it, and asked what she should do. They have had the most trouble in the teen years, and have barely spoken in 2 years. I said just send a smiley face or something like that. She texted back 'thanks for coming to my graduation', and he texted back something like 'I wouldn't miss it and congratulations'. That's the last I heard from that conversation.

His D, who lies in Louisiana, called me and said that he texted her too, and she wasn't going to answer him. She is mad at him because the day he moved out, he withdrew 400 from an account she has that he was the adult on (she got it when she was 17 so needed an adult on it too). He put it back a couple hours later, but she was extremely mad that he didn't tell her. She closed that account and opened one on her own since she is now 19. I don't think she's talked to him since, but I've talked to her a couple times. I try to let both girls know that he's not himself right now and to not get too mad at him.

This morning, I see that H was on FB at 2am, and he posted and tagged all 3 kids in posts (1 picture for each kid) and tagged them (he tagged me in the one of D18 - she blocked him on FB a while back). The other one is a S15; he has stayed the closest, mostly because he's not nearly as emotional about things as the girls, but even he has pulled away some. H hasn't posted anything on FB in months. He may be getting emotional because of Father's Day coming up - he mentioned Thursday that S15 would be with him that day, but he doubted the girls would even text him.

Him posting this stuff at 2am also tells me he's probably still staying up all night drinking, and of course, he's more emotional when drinking. I think he's losing his mind sometimes.

[Coconut]

It's so sad how addiction destroys lives. I don't have any advice, but I wanted to give you my support, you sound like a strong woman with a good head on your shoulders, and you will get through this...

[bluMorn]

Not much to report. H and I still interact on average once a week, and interactions are pleasant, if superficial. I live in coastal Alabama, so we've been getting tons of rain. My yard is known to flood in a heartbeat, and in April 2014, there was a really bad rain and the house got flooded. We had to replace all the carpet. So, TS Cindy's bands have been dumping rain on us, and I was curious as to whether H would even worry about me or the house. Lo and behold, he just texted me to ask if I was doing ok with the rain, and hoping there wasn't any flooding. He even mentioned the dogs, who freak out over rain/bad weather. I said so far so good, and that I was using the rain to fill my pool. He said good, and I didn't text back after that.

Again, feels good to know he at least cares a little, but I really don't feel that he's getting any closer to me. One thing to note - he has been taking 75 mg effexor since Jan 3. Last week, he went to the dr and asked to get off of it because of side effects. They gave him 37.5 mg effexor and 10 mg prozac - he's supposed to take both for 14 days, then just the prozac for two more weeks, then come off that. Effexor has really bad withdrawal symptoms, so that's the reason for this. He has tried alternating days, which is what the last dr told him to do, but he couldn't handle the withdrawal. And this is someone who has withdrawn from heroin before (before I met him). The new dr (old dr was no longer there) suggested bridging with prozac. I hope it works for him.

Although looking back, I think he may have been in crisis for the last 2.5 years, his really erratic behavior didn't start until he started taking the effexor, and while he's always been an alcoholic, he became an insatiable drinker on the effexor. I'm wondering if this change will have any effect on how he feels and how much he reaches out. If he started taking the lower dose when he filled the prescription, he would be 7 days in. It'll be interesting to see.

[leahsue]

Hi Blumorn,
I'm in AL also, and you are so right about the rain. Good grief, my whole yard is underwater! Not good for lifting the spirits, right?

[bluMorn]

Well, we are into month 3 of separation. Lat Wednesday, I got a text from H that said 'Thinking of you'. I just sent back a smiley face. The next day, I got a text that said 'Been off the Effexor for 2 weeks now and missing you like crazy'. I texted back I miss you too, and I'm glad you're off that stuff'. He said 'I do love you and I'm sorry. Glad to be off too'. I answered 'I love you too'. Then he came by to get mail Saturday. He was a little rushed, had to be at work in 15 minutes, but we chatted pleasantly. No mention of anything R-related though. And I've heard nothing since. I'm really confused.