Have you read divorce remedy? If so, what kind of goals are you setting for yourself?
Also, Id advise to read the 5 love languages. Your post is very focused on physical touch and acts of service as the portrayal of love, but I wonder if your W has a different language.
Finally, Id watch the Esther Perel TED talk on infidelity. I think youll find it interesting.
Did you read his first post? By your response, it doesn't seem like you did.
His W has said she is staying in the M/R for the kids. As far as I am concerned, that is his bridge to get him across.
You may not realize this, but you project how you feel about the betrayal of the cheating spouse. I read jaded somewhere, which I come away with the same thought. It is a process to fully forgive and it doesn't all have to happen at once.
All I am asking, is to remember where you were when you received your BD and how you respond to newcomers. Everyone doesn't need "brutal" when they arrive. They need help with clarity and guidance.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
My quick answer to the question that you're really asking- is there hope for your marriage- would be "yes".
Unfortunately, your wife is still in the fog of the affair. Your wife has to completely cut off all communication with this guy. Reading one email, one phone call, one text- even a glance at a photo, can keep her sucked into the affair. Your wife should give you access to everything, email accounts, passwords, phone etc.. If she provides this, then she really is willing to work with you, despite the fact that she does not love you right now.
It will be extremely difficult for your wife to cut this man out of her life. With no contact, she will go into a withdrawel process of sorts- like an addict missing their drug of choice. Given enough time, she will emerge from this withdrawal, and only then will she be able to open herself up to feeling something for you. For my wife it took probably five months (if memory serves). You may come home to your wife in tears because she is missing her conversations with this other person. Be understanding, it will be very difficult for you both.
While she is in her withdrawel, continue to be the husband that you want to be in your marriage. While it won't make many deposits into her "love bank" , it will make some. It will also show her that your changes are real. Make no attempt at anything other than hugs or a kiss on the cheek. She will want no intimacy from you at this point. Take cold showers. During this period, I started leaving my wife little "love" notes each morning. Nothing fancy, just notes that told her how much I appreciated her, and what a great woman and mom I thought her to be. It's a practice I still keep up to this day, and something she tells me she appreciates very much in our relationship. She thought the notes would stop in days or weeks. I've kept it up for years.
Your wife does not believe she will ever feel love for you again. She certainly does not believe she will ever want to be intimate with you again. My wife was very frank and told me those things quite plainly after she broke off contact. I started to doubt it myself, honestly. The truth is, she had those feelings for you once upon a time, and if your changes are real, and she sees them, she will fall for you again. Unlike any other man on the face of the earth, you have a distinct advantage in winning back your wife- you are the father of her children.
Today, my marriage is the best it's ever been. My wife thanks me tearfully several times a year for fighting for her and saving our marriage. She says I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her and that I saved her from disaster. You could be it the same place too.
I caution you to watch out for false starts, especially since this is so new. When I had the first bomb drop on me, I thought my wife was resolute on recovery. I was wrong. The addiction was too much, and she just hid it better. That's why transparency and open communication is so imporatant. You have a window of opportunity here to make a start, but keep your eyes and ears open! I'm not trying to worry you, but it does not happen often that there is no relapse.
You can read my early posts if you want to see how my story went. I'm not a prolific poster, so there are holes in my story :-).
Jaded? Not at all. i just don't pump sunshine and roses. False hope is worse than a brutal truth.
My clarity and guidance is helping them stand on their own two feet. That's all.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
...is what we all need to read every day!!! It does not always have to be that bitter, brutal, doom and gloom crap every day. Marriages have actually been saved before. It's true, really. It has happened, a lot.
"The greatest evidence that something can be done, is that is has been done before"
Don't give up until YOU are ready to give up.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
Jaded? Not at all. i just don't pump sunshine and roses. False hope is worse than a brutal truth.
My clarity and guidance is helping them stand on their own two feet. That's all.
I don't believe any member here tries to pump sunshine and roses or give false hope. Most try to help redirect the focus away from the M/R, to improving the person here, in order to have the best chance of saving their M/R.
We'll just have to agree to disagree on the approach to a newcomer in a fragile state.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I don't believe any member here tries to pump sunshine and roses or give false hope. Most try to help redirect the focus away from the M/R, to improving the person here, in order to have the best chance of saving their M/R.
Improving the person is the first and foremost thing. If, and that's IF, the spouse decides to come back, then that's all fine and dandy. However, they won't if the person is still the same one as what led them to reach that decision.
And, I've not pumped doom and gloom, but reality. People must stand on their own two feet before anything else can happen. Otherwise, its more of the same. Yet, to classify those of us on here who don't exactly fall into line of the masses as jaded or doomers, well that's a very leftist point of view.
We all have the same goal - to save the PERSON first. If the marriage can be saved, great. If not, then that person is better off than when they came. Sure, "lots" of marriages may have been saved, but don't forget the alternative. This place is about the person first and foremost.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Your sitch really hits me on an extremely deep level as far as how the A started, the age of your kids, and how long you have been married.
I think that's great that you've put the focus back on your family. I too, felt like I had neglected my family and tried to make up for lost time.
I want to tell you that your M can come back around, but you need to understand that it will not be your choice if that happens. You know what you want; she is the one who is confused, so you need to proceed with caution.
Be a lighthouse for your family, but you do that by not focusing on W and the M, but by focusing on being the best person you can be.
I'm also here to tell you that there is no way you can "nice" her back. She needs to understand that what she did was really 'effd up and that if she wants to have a R with you, that is something you won't tolerate.
Right now she's holding onto a lot of resentment. She's blaming you from holding her back from OM, and that's some bad mojo.
You need to take your focus off of "saving" this M and put it into saving yourself.
If you take care of yourself first, everything else works out.
I'm going to tell you that i used to think and do the same things you're talking about now. my W felt smothered. add that to the resentment and rewritten history she was building, and it made for a really rough time for me. I was so confused because I couldn't see the A right in front of me and I didn't know where all of this animosity was coming from.
The more I caved, the more she disrespected me.
Sandi will tell you the same thing. the approach to a WW and a WaW are completely different.
Don't be a doormat; set boundaries, detach, work on you. If you can do those things you will be the best dad to your kids, the person you want to be, and-when (or if) she's ready- the best H to your W.
The absolute worst thing you can do right now is try too hard.
Your sitch really hits me on an extremely deep level as far as how the A started, the age of your kids, and how long you have been married.
I think that's great that you've put the focus back on your family. I too, felt like I had neglected my family and tried to make up for lost time.
I want to tell you that your M can come back around, but you need to understand that it will not be your choice if that happens. You know what you want; she is the one who is confused, so you need to proceed with caution.
Be a lighthouse for your family, but you do that by not focusing on W and the M, but by focusing on being the best person you can be.
I'm also here to tell you that there is no way you can "nice" her back. She needs to understand that what she did was really 'effd up and that if she wants to have a R with you, that is something you won't tolerate.
Right now she's holding onto a lot of resentment. She's blaming you from holding her back from OM, and that's some bad mojo.
You need to take your focus off of "saving" this M and put it into saving yourself.
If you take care of yourself first, everything else works out.
I'm going to tell you that i used to think and do the same things you're talking about now. my W felt smothered. add that to the resentment and rewritten history she was building, and it made for a really rough time for me. I was so confused because I couldn't see the A right in front of me and I didn't know where all of this animosity was coming from.
The more I caved, the more she disrespected me.
Sandi will tell you the same thing. the approach to a WW and a WaW are completely different.
Don't be a doormat; set boundaries, detach, work on you. If you can do those things you will be the best dad to your kids, the person you want to be, and-when (or if) she's ready- the best H to your W.
The absolute worst thing you can do right now is try too hard.
This is gold. Read the links provided to you by Cadet and read D/R if you haven't already.
Gerrard, you have plenty of useful material and support to help you overcome the sitch you find yourself in. Keep posting.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
thanks again all...I am half way through the DB book. Sadly, my wife should read this as well.
I know that with all my pressing it really is pushing her away more and I have to learn to sit back..take care of me and be there for the family.
As of right now she says she is here for the kids and has cut off all contact with the OM (has only been a week) so it is really fresh.
she truely does mean the world to me and I hope with all hope that given time, she will come to realized that our Family is worth fighting for. I really want her to be happy and I think with all the changes I have been going through, she can be happy in our family again and not with this OM.
