Still feeling the aftermath of this divorce stuff 5 years later. Kids and are on vacation and D confides in me today all the stuff her dad is telling her. Telling her the reason her half brother moved out is because of me. And that I made her half brother get rid of his dog. And top it all off that I am the one who wanted the divorce and wanted to get away from the family. First he divorces me, throws me out of my house and tries to replace me with some other woman, now he tries to tell my daughter that I'm an awful person and tries to ruin our relationship. I could call him out on the carpet for it but he would just deny it just like he does every single time I try to confront him about the things he says or does.
He just can't seem to let it go. He can't let me live my life. He always has to be there some how some way. Not having much luck letting this go tonight.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I am so very sorry that he can't accept his mistakes and what he's done to you and your family. Some of them never will admit what they've done and your h is one of them.
I could continue to listen to what your children tell you and provide them w/the right answers. Always be truthful w/them and it's evident that your daughter feels very comfortable in telling you what her father has said. She's growing up and she will begin to put the pieces together and come to realize that her father is lying about everything and trying to control and manipulate her and your situation.
Wishing, I would listen and observe. Who knows what he's thinking...but my personal thoughts are that he wants this info to get back to you in order to get you riled up and have you come at him. He wants a justification for what he's doing and he wants to make sure you are upset and angry all of the time. In other words, he's miserable and he wants you to be miserable too. Don't get him that satisfaction.
Some day you will get the opportunity to set him straight. But now is not the time. Dig deeper for patience and keep the focus on you and your family. Don't let him see you sweat!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's nice to still come back here once in a while and touch base with reality. I know what he's up to. I won't say a word to him about it. He would deny he said anything anyway. Like always.
I just feel bad D and S have to go through this. D is starting to figure it all out. She asked me point blank if Dad was cheating on me and I didn't lie. I told her I didn't want her to hate her dad for it. I don't want that to be the reason their relationship goes south if it ever does. Now she knows. She is too young to know. But I won't lie. I asked her not to confront her father with it. He will just take it out on her.
In other news wedding plans are progressing nicely. S is taking a trip to NYC with his choir. So proud of him. He earned most of the money on his own through fundraising. Kind of nervous, kind of jealous.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I don't blame you for telling your daughter the truth. It's one thing if he had been a model ex - it's another thing when he's putting all the blame onto you for things you have nothing to do with! That's not a situation in which you need to lie, in my book. You put as positive a spin on it as you could.
There's something I've never told my kids about their father, and never likely will. I know it would worsen their impression of him. And frankly, it's something that happened early in the marriage before they were born. But man, I was mad when here I've kept that secret all these years out of respect for his relationship with them, and then find out he's said apparently despicable things to the kids about me. (I still don't know all of what was said, but son's girlfriend at the time was so offended that she felt she needed to leap into the fray and defend me, and son hasn't spoken to his father in the year and a half since.)
The good news is, as they grow up, they figure it out. Just stick to the high road (again, I AGREE with you telling her the truth when she asked, just don't give any more info than is required.)
Glad everything else is going well for you, sorry your ex is still a pill. It gets easier when the kids grow up and you have less reason for any contact.
I also think you did the best thing. I think how we handle this sort of thing depends very much on the kid vs. always saying it's best to say nothing.
If a kid is asking questions, no matter his/her age, they know something is up. Pretending nothing is wrong only teaches the kid not to bother asking you about future issues. And as they do know some thing is wrong it can teach them to second guess their instincts where in reality the situation calls for validation. Someday they will put the pieces together and they'll remember how it was handled when they did ask questions.
None of us wished this for our kids. But skirting questions and pretending things didn't happen can do them a great disservice.
I think it's best to answer honestly with tact, just as you did.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi! If I can drop a word on this I'd say it could help only answering/ sticking to what the kids ask without getting into too many details. It's important not to give more information than a kid's mind can handle.
Back to court I go. Ex is still looking to get out of paying maintenance. Not only that he wants to be paid back for all the maintenance he's paid since he filed his motion last September. Not sure what is gonna happen but I'm sure tired of being treated like a criminal.
Thanks for the support and well wishes.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Good luck! Let us know how things shake out. I'm sure he's going to be disappointed w/the outcome.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are correct, Job. I could tell within 5 minutes of being in the courtroom the judge had already made up his mind. After an hour of going on and on about how destitute he and OW are the judge finally told him he had 30 seconds to wrap it up.
You should have seen the performance OW gave on the stand. First of all it took her a good 5 minutes to hobble over there. Now, I understand people have back issues and have physical difficulties, but it was obvious she was laying it on pretty thick. She testified how she has had 7 back surgeries since February 2013 and may need yet another this fall. She is indigent since she is permanently disabled and cannot work. She is up to her eyeballs in medical debt and has been sent to collections. She is afraid to answer her phone for fear of being harassed by yet another creditor. And yet, my XH just purchased a car for S, ON HIS CREDIT CARD!!!! So why didn't he take care of these bills for OW rather than let them be sent to collections?
Oh they are a pitiful pair. The judge presiding was the same judge that presided over our divorce. I wonder if he had a chuckle about how my XH's financial condition has actually worsened, even though 3 years ago I was the cause of his financial hardship. Apparently I still am. The judge was getting tired of hearing XH ramble on and on and kept glancing at me to see my reaction. Or perhaps he was looking at the clock? LOL.
I'm sure I haven't heard the last from him. I should be having a good laugh over this but it's just pitiful and exhausting. At the end the judge asked me what I wanted done with maintenance if I wanted it lowered or to stay the same. Of course I said to stay the same. Why should I do them any favors? With friends like them I sure don't need enemies.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
