Eyes on the next curve

[HaWho]

I just want to say I am thinking of you and your daughters.

Please post/vent often as this is a safe place for support.

[Bird]

Thank you all for your support. D12 is my girl with some moderate special needs as well (ADHD,Aspergers). Coupled with middle school and puberty, this latest change I think is just too much for her. Our appointment with the therapist on Monday went very well. D tends to open up and answer questions directly when therapist asks them, as opposed to shrugging when I ask. She is a lot like H in that she bottles up her negative emotions and stuffs them down. I'm certain that's what eventually triggered his MLC, that and depression inherited from his father. It looks like D is on the same path. What's different for her is that she has me to keep an eye on her and make sure she gets what she needs to find a healthy way to cope with these changes and not to sweep it under the rug. The whole situation is just sad. Sad that her father first denied that it was actually cutting and sadder still that he thinks it could be multiple things and not the separation that's causing it. Therapist gave him a nice 2x4 on that issue but I doubt it penetrated his bubble. I'm exasperated with him because I think this can be pretty much laid on his shoulders. And yet he claims to want the best for the kids. I don't think this is the best.

Still working out how to compromise on custody and support in our meeting on Saturday. Practicing my debate skills and keeping emotion out of the negotiation. I wish I could take a nap for 6 months and wake up moved into a new house with the old one sold! Where's my fairy godmother??

[SBJ]

Keeping you and your family in my prayers. They will deny that D or S has any affect on our children. To accept that means that they have to take responsibility for their actions and that would mess with the fantasy world that they have made up. Believe me, I'm living it too.

[Bird]

There should be a singles support group for survivors of a spouse's midlife crisis. We all know what it means to fight for your family and take care of them no matter what. It would certainly make for better options the second time around.

I can't get out of my funk since I got back. I don't know if I want to hold on to this rope. If he even wakes up, is that a mess I want to just wade back into? Right now I kind of want to set the whole rope on fire. Everyone says they're here for me, his family included. But day after day I sit here by myself trying to figure out how to do it all. I guess it's hard for people. If we put forth a reasonable outward appearance, no one can really see the torture going on inside. I'm tired.

[Bird]

Journaling... fairly quiet week. Trying to gather my thoughts to have this meeting tomorrow with H to go over the things he didn't like about the agreement. It's a very tricky thing when you're an emotional person like me. But I'm going to do my best to control the meeting and my emotions, and if it seems like we aren't getting anywhere, I will end the meeting and try another day. I'm willing to compromise on some items, but whether he can accept what I'm offering is another story entirely. I'll be glad when it's over. All the planning and thinking has given me a weeklong headache and I have work to do!

So H has been quiet since D's therapy session on Monday, but I got a call from his brother who wanted to check in with me yesterday. There are just the two of them in his family, and H has isolated BIL. They have always been really close and I know BIL is also hurt by his behavior. Anyhow, H tried to give his brother the story about how he's "thinking of asking OW out" (we are all 99% certain he's been with her for a while now). BIL called him out on it, told him it was adultery and told him he'd better wake up and start thinking about his family. I doubt it registered, but it felt good to have someone have my back so solidly finally. Also H's parents have cut off his money (they were paying his rent) and his dad said that if he is with OW that they will disown him. I expect things like that are why he keeps lying about her.

I miss H's family. We've been so close for 20 years and he has just decimated it. Also BIL told me that they think his mom had a small stroke in January and was dx with breast cancer this week. H had not told me either of these things. I've been keeping them at arm's length because of the conflicting emotions I have regarding their financial support of him but I did call MIL last night to catch up and talk about her health.

I'm so frustrated at what his behavior has done to his parents, his brother & family, my family, and obviously our own family. I'm furious that my little girl is cutting her arms with a razor blade and this OW is totally fine with the part she has to play in all of this. It is really helping me to detach from the situation though. At this point, he is not someone that I want to be with.

[SBJ]

I feel ya, Bird. This has devastating affects on everyone in the family. Even though they are your in-laws, your love for them doesn't change...I know from my own sitch. They have been our second parents for such a long time. I'm glad they have your back, but realize that nothing they say to your H will make a dent unless he comes thru this fog of MLC.

My W's sister was her best friend, but when the sister stood up to her my W shut her out. It has been tough on my SIL and her husband. It has created a rift between her entire family in different ways. MLC affects everyone...no doubt. I will continue to keep you and your daughters in my prayers.

John 14:27 New American Bible (Revised Edition) (NABRE)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid.

[Bird]

So, I feel like garbage today.

Had meeting with H on Saturday. It was at times tense; he lost his temper once and stormed out, then came back in and apologized. I kept my cool and was professional throughout. We came to an agreement on support & maintenance as well as custody. Leaving custody as is with the exception of adding an additional overnight every other week into the mix. This puts the kids with me 4 nights a week and him 3 nights a week. He will adhere to state's formula for support and maint and I will forego asking for reimbursements on medical premiums and a handful of other things.

So when I got to work this morning and plugged the numbers into a spreadsheet for each of us... he's left with so little. It's true he doesn't need such a high car payment and he didn't need to rent an entire home whose rent is higher than many people's mortgages. But still I just feel lousy. I think I achieved what I needed to achieve to take care of myself and my kids, but I feel guilty for what this is going to do to him.

Despite that he left, despite OW... I love this person and I hate seeing what his choices are doing to him. I feel like I'm the one doing the hurting. It really is true that no one wins in a divorce. I hate it. I guess all there is to do now is drop the rope and see what happens. Once the separation agreement is filed, we can either file for divorce right away on the basis that the marriage has been irretrievably broken for a period of 6 months, or we can wait a year and convert the separation to a divorce. Those are the two no-fault options in my state. I'm not sure what he will be doing. I think I'm just going to sit back and take a breath. Based on our conversation on Saturday, he is still deep in Replay so I don't see our situation changing anytime soon.

[SBJ]

Sorry to hear that you are hurting, and you are right, there are no winners in divorce. Most of us on here have accepted that we were not perfect spouses, but we are the ones that wanted to heal and correct our side of things, and we are the ones that are standing. Stay strong and take things one day at a time.

Isaiah 40:29-31 New American Bible

29 He gives power to the faint, abundant strength to the weak.
30 Though young men faint and grow weary, and youths stagger and fall, 31 They that hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on eagles’ wings; They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.

[Bird]

Thanks SBJ. I didn't count on feeling so guilty about his financial situation. But I guess the bottom line is the girls and I didn't choose this but we're trying to work with what we have. Supporting two households is just not economical so it was bound to look ugly on one side or the other.

I finally got to see a nasty side of him when we were having our meeting on Saturday. I've been wondering when he would stop being a martyr and start spewing. I have a feeling he will hold me to blame for his finances for the next 12 years.

I wonder if this is what he envisioned when he wanted to leave the marriage because he "wasn't happy"? This seems so much less happy all the way around.

[SBJ]

I finally got to see a nasty side of him when we were having our meeting on Saturday. I've been wondering when he would stop being a martyr and start spewing. I have a feeling he will hold me to blame for his finances for the next 12 years.

Sometimes it's like they have it all figured out right, but they hadn't taken into account how negatively this will affect both parties. They are so self-absorbed at the time they cannot think of anyone else.

I wonder if this is what he envisioned when he wanted to leave the marriage because he "wasn't happy"? This seems so much less happy all the way around.

They think that the grass will be so much greener away from us...but it isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it. It's funny, Saturday I cut my yard and put out the Spring time weed & feed...Sunday late I lightly watered it in. I laughed as I was doing so wondering how green I could make my yard and my life.
Maybe, just maybe, the yard she is playing in will be brown and weed infested...haha!!!

Keep the focus on you and your daughters. Pray for yourself and your daughters. Ask that God cover you with his Grace and give you the peace that you all deserve. Also pray that your H's eyes be opened and that he sees the truth.

Two songs that I have been listening to lately are "Keep Making Me"
by Sidewalk Prophets & "Even If" by Mercy Me...they are inspirational songs and show me that He is all I need and at some time I will know that He is in control and His will will be done.

Then when I need a little blow off steam music I listen to a bit of Chris Stapleton..."Whiskey & You" is one of my faves.

Stay strong my friend...we've got this!!!