when I get too mired in the past! This can happen if I get "self-help book" fever!
I mentioned on my thread that I've been listening to "Love must be tough". Well, I was letting it drag me back through the a. and the lies and all of that. I noticed last night that 2 things that I would have DB'ed away (silly things that h. did) got me irked. I was definitely in the "you cheated on me. now you are not taking care of me" mindset.
The good thing, though, was that I was able to get myself out of it instead of taking it out on h....
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hmmm What makes DBing harder for me....when I'm so comfortable that I don't even THINK of it?
I can get self-centred at times, like about sharing computer time, and am easily "put out"...I KNOW that comes across as controlling. Why else would CJ say (last night when he logged on) "I'll only be 15 minutes".
When I heard that (and he sounded...chastened) I just opted to take a long bath, over an hour, so he could just work away without any pressure.
SO I guess what WORKS for me, is to be AWARE of what I am doing/saying and how CJ might take it. To make CHOICES that bring us closer together.
What also works is to acknowledge when I've slipped, and apologise for it asap...kind of nips things in the bud, instead of letting them fester.
What do I need to work on??? LOTS.
Somehow I need to communicate how very badly I feel about the whole physical side of our R. I can't imagine that he doesn't KNOW this already, but if so, why no results?????
I also need to be more forthcoming with my irritations and expectations. This yard stuff was a start, he IS taking care of it within the 2-week time frame .
I'm having a really hard time dealing with H in the house and no communication
My only communication with him is when I get mad at him and his A.
I'm definately not piecing
I don't talk to him and he NEVER starts a conversation.
I don't start a conversation because I don't want to please him, I don't want to see him happy and I don't want to make him happy, I am so negative and I still cannot give in.
I'm waiting for him to really say something to me. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM.
I also can't picture me out with him in the presence of other people especially women, if we are (functions for children only) then I look the other way and ignore what he does so I don't have to deal with any pain like he caused me before.
So this is a cheeseless tunnel and I am a hopeless case, but I need help to cope with this, because I can't take any more of this UN relationship. I do not picture me with him like before or me ever being totally 100% wife to him.
Quote: I understand the love bank concept and have talked to my husband about it. But I'm not really sure what we should do now that we understand the concept.Can you help? Yes, I know what you mean, have you gone to the Marriagebuliders.com website.
This came up in another thread, if simply asking will not work. It was suggested to use fingers, in that context a W would hold up how many fingers her love tank was, when she was was mad/uncomfortable/ disgruntled. She would hold up 3 fingers in an arguement, and he knows her love tank is way down and he best do something about it. So until life becomes normal, use the finger method, or something similar, so you have a way of showing your love tank.
I wish I would have known this before, then maybe not, hers was probably near empty, in the last years.
That's the worst nightmare, and just won't go away. So do I know it is true enough to jump ship for? No. Can I wait and find out? Why not - I'd be raising the kids in the meantime anyway. Lots can happen in a year (or in my case 5), so why assume a foregone conclusion. Think in the short term. Let the long term take care of itself.
How do you get H to recognize the need to have the affirmations - fill the love tank, without making it an obligation forced upon him? I really think my H just thinks I am to forget anything ever happened.
Quote: How do you get H to recognize the need to have the affirmations - fill the love tank, without making it an obligation forced upon him? I really think my H just thinks I am to forget anything ever happened.
a difficult task no doubt. it is possible though if not presented in a needy manner or with making reference to the sit. I did explain the love bank concept to h...simply explained it...noted what I thought his ll's were and what I believe mine are. did not demand or even request that he "fill my tank" but simply made him aware of such a concept and it's correlation to positive feelings in a r. seems to have worked but like anything needs tweeking that does not come in the form of nagging or demanding etc.
and alternative to explaining the ll concept is to "catch them doing right" in other words when you catch h doing something you like or that makes you feel reasured or affirmed let him know..thank him...tell him "I like when you" "I appreciate when you" "it makes me feel good when you". using such statements may have more of an impact than simply explaining the concept or trying to get him to give you what you want...essentially by using possitive reinforcement you will be guiding him toward giving you what you need. hopefully.
.