It's about her growth as a person for her, irrespective of me. And for me like I said growth is mandatory.
I'm going to revisit this statement. It reads like you almost demand that someone grow with you to have your approval, am I correct? So, for instance, if a person was happy in their own self and didn't do things to "grow," do they get kicked to the curb for not following your wishes? Isn't that kind of a selfish thing?
Yes, that is correct. Not to have my approval, but to have a relationship with me yes. I'm growing because when I grow my spouse also reaps the benefits of my growth. I'm not interested in a relationship where my other half is not growing.
Yes, that is correct. Not to have my approval, but to have a relationship with me yes. I'm growing because when I grow my spouse also reaps the benefits of my growth. I'm not interested in a relationship where my other half is not growing.
Valid point. But what happens to loving a person for who they are and not what one wants them to do/be?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Completelylost, i think I'm getting your drift here. you changed and grew as a person. Your W stayed stagnant, I'm assuming she was WW and though she came back, she was still her. The same person in the old marriage trying to make a new one. However, you were a different person in a different marriage. Fine and dandy for x amount of years however, i gather, perhaps you feel as though that's it, she'll always be the W from the past marriage, not something you want. She will always be Her, which is fine, but not for you the new man in a new marriage with a new vision.
I think i get it. I had this conversation with a friend. I'm changing so much. I'm focusing on me and what I need as opposed to what my W and SD need. I know to be happy in a M I must be happy with the person staring at me in the mirror. I don't think any of our spouses come back to our M's happy with themselves. Which I too saw as a minor hiccup in the whole situation.
maybe I am completely off as to where you're at but that's my take. keep on keeping on sir. Thanks for chiming in and coming back!
completelylost: so, what is your roadmap going forward? Do you have a game plan? A process or a general timeline for deciding what to do about your marriage?
Curious.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Quote: It's about her growth as a person for her, irrespective of me. And for me like I said growth is mandatory.
I'm going to revisit this statement. It reads like you almost demand that someone grow with you to have your approval, am I correct? So, for instance, if a person was happy in their own self and didn't do things to "grow," do they get kicked to the curb for not following your wishes? Isn't that kind of a selfish thing?
Yes, that is correct. Not to have my approval, but to have a relationship with me yes. I'm growing because when I grow my spouse also reaps the benefits of my growth. I'm not interested in a relationship where my other half is not growing. _________________________
There have been LBS who would reconcile with the wayward spouse and then come to the realization their feelings had changed toward their WS, and some LBS even became the WAS. However, you are saying you still love her but you are not interested, unless she makes the effort to grow as a person.
How does that compare to (an example) couples who marry young, before their career paths are established? One spouse climbs the ladder of success as some type of business professional, while the other spouse remains a blue-collar worker. The professional has his/her circle of polished associates/social friends, and the blue-collar spouse has his/her circle of friends that doesn't exactly fit in with the group of professionals (and I mean no offense, blue-collar vs professional is not the topic here). How many MR's fail b/c one of the spouses feels the other one has not advanced or who is stagnet as an individual? There has been no affair, but they find themselves living separate lives, no longer have shared interests, and have emotionally grown apart.
In your stitch, I understand you are talking about inner growth as a person. Who could blame a betrayed spouse for setting the bar a little higher for the next relationship (be it with his W or a new person). My questions are about the mindset of the one who is moving forward. Are the results the same as those who just "grow apart" without any history of affairs, etc.? Do you feel superior to your W, as an individual.....b/c of your vast growth? Do you believe your motive is different from the scenero I gave? Do you feel justified, since you were the betrayed LBS?
I am asking so that I can learn from the ones who were severely hurt by their WS. Is this the same thing as those LBS who get back the WS.....and then they become resentful or experience other negative feelings toward the WS?
When you say you still love her........but. (I am not finding fault with you, OK?) Is this loving her differently than how you want to love a wife going forward? Does she know where you stand on her growth process? How does she feel about your attitude toward a future together?
If her repentance is authenic, then her emotional work on herself and on the MR is a painful process for her. She needs guidance and support. Understanding her process would probably benefit both of you. IMHO, it is critical for the couple to attend M healing after an affair therapy......b/c it is not that simple to mend as a "couple", when you dealing with issues as an individual.
I think you want to give encouragement to others here, which is great. I hope you will answer my questions and comment, so that we all can learn from it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
1. Definitely do not feel superior. I do feel more equipped to safeguard our M. I feel the perfect word you used was stagnation. We have had a sit down and discussed our thoughts about where we both are in the M. I do believe there is some validity to the growing apart as well. What I will say is that the growth is one issue the other is contentment in areas that I need more. Where her love tank has been filled that last 3.5 years mine has been severely neglected in many respects. Can't say I feel justified about where I am because honestly it stings to be here and to know she is hurt we are here as well.
"If her repentance is authenic, then her emotional work on herself and on the MR is a painful process for her. She needs guidance and support. Understanding her process would probably benefit both of you. IMHO, it is critical for the couple to attend M healing after an affair therapy......b/c it is not that simple to mend as a "couple", when you dealing with issues as an individual."
I'm trying to as sensitive as I can to this without stifling her own growth.
"When you say you still love her........but. (I am not finding fault with you, OK?) Is this loving her differently than how you want to love a wife going forward? Does she know where you stand on her growth process? How does she feel about your attitude toward a future together?"
According to her she is very happy with the approach I've taken with her. I have tried to remain stable constant while allowing her room to grow. I'm just watching and engaging where I can be of help.
I'm very future today. I bought a bunch of double knock out rose bushes that I'm going to use to create a hedge. I can't wait to go home and dig some holes in my yard. I'm trying to think of a good excuse (one that I haven't already used) to leave the office early today. Explosive diarrhea?
