In fact, the goal is to be able to trust with less information.
Yes, that is the goal. But how can one trust someone who deceived them on so many levels?
Since I don't trust my wife I can't answer this question. I also struggle with the knowledge that she was willing to commit an act of cruelty to me and our marriage that is beyond imagination. I would never in a million years have thought that. We'll never have what we had. I've told her that. She killed that relationship. It was beautiful and innocent. I still believed in soul mates and that she and I were meant to be.
Now I know there is no such thing as soul mates and nothing is meant to be. People get together and can love each other but at any moment one of them can plunge a knife right into the other's heart, twist it, and watch them suffer without any sympathy for them. That is what cheaters do to the spouse they cheat on. I live with and love someone capable of that level of cruelty. She has spent many many hours crying of her own realization of that. If she hadn't finally broken down and had her "come to Jesus" moment we wouldn't be married.
I do love her. She loves me. Innocent soul mate love? Nope. Our innocence is dead and gone forever. She killed it. Now we have more grown up mature realist love knowing that although we love each other, nothing is guaranteed. Either spouse might just up and walk away at any moment. That's the reality for all of us. For some that scares them to death. It used to scare me. It doesn't anymore.
Txhubby--you are a wise sage!
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hi Completelylost. thank you for coming back and posting. i really appreciated your advice. I was wondering if it would be possible to let us know a little more detail of how your wife came back to you and your thoughts on the process? thank you.
Hi James, I'm glad it was of use to you. As far as the details. She moved out a few months after BD and I did all the no-no's. Snooping, stalking, crying, begging, pleading etc... Once I determined there was a possible OM I had to let go. And I focused solely on me. And as I said I became so engulfed in growing that it became an inferno. I learned things about me, that I never knew. So while I was so bust growing I guess she started to notice me again. She would reach just to see how my day went, and before you know it we were having dates... Soon after she was forgoing renewing her lease and we where paving the road of being back together.
This is obviously the very abridged version. My nose was so far in the grind of growing I don't really know what specific moment it broke for her. I hope that answers your question if not, ask as many as you'd like and i'll answer the best I can.
Once I determined there was a possible OM I had to let go. And I focused solely on me. [/quote]
Did you go dark or how was your interaction with her? Cordial, limited and coarse, etc.?
Originally Posted By: completelylost
So while I was so bust growing I guess she started to notice me again. She would reach just to see how my day went, and before you know it we were having dates... Soon after she was forgoing renewing her lease and we where paving the road of being back together.
What do you think she noticed? What changes specifically? How long into the growth or the separation did she start to take notice?
It's about her growth as a person for her, irrespective of me. And for me like I said growth is mandatory.
Can you explain how her growth for her is a requirement for you to remain in a marriage to her?
Not being critical here, but it is very vague. "Why did you leave her?" "She didn't grow for herself..." Whaaa?
What, specifically, does her lack of growth look like and mean?
I'm not sure I can satisfy your question with a specific answer because I'm not sure my perspective will align with what you view as a legitimate reason for having the perspective I have.
When we take charge of our lives there is no longer need to ask permission of other people. And it's my pov that currently she hasn't taken that charge.
I'm watching her, that's all I'm doing. No declarations, just watching... That's the best I can answer your question.
When we take charge of our lives there is no longer need to ask permission of other people. And it's my pov that currently she hasn't taken that charge.
completelylost,
Can you explain what you mean by no longer needing to ask permission of other people?
When I was married, if I wanted to buy something for myself, and if cost more than $100, then I'd always ask permission from my wife. I always wanted to make sure the purchase was ok with her. Is that the kind of permission you're talking about?
Once I determined there was a possible OM I had to let go. And I focused solely on me.
Did you go dark or how was your interaction with her? Cordial, limited and coarse, etc.?
Originally Posted By: completelylost
So while I was so bust growing I guess she started to notice me again. She would reach just to see how my day went, and before you know it we were having dates... Soon after she was forgoing renewing her lease and we where paving the road of being back together.
What do you think she noticed? What changes specifically? How long into the growth or the separation did she start to take notice?[/quote]
Contact was very limited, but cordial when we did communicate. It was only to discuss bills and things of that nature. She told me that she noticed me not pursuing her and giving her space to deal with her feelings. She also mentioned that I look happier and relaxed. Thing were comments I gathered from her. It was probably about 6mo's in the growth process(after she moved out) before there was a break in our business like approach with each other.
It's about her growth as a person for her, irrespective of me. And for me like I said growth is mandatory.
I'm going to revisit this statement. It reads like you almost demand that someone grow with you to have your approval, am I correct? So, for instance, if a person was happy in their own self and didn't do things to "grow," do they get kicked to the curb for not following your wishes? Isn't that kind of a selfish thing?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
When we take charge of our lives there is no longer need to ask permission of other people. And it's my pov that currently she hasn't taken that charge.
completelylost,
Can you explain what you mean by no longer needing to ask permission of other people?
When I was married, if I wanted to buy something for myself, and if cost more than $100, then I'd always ask permission from my wife. I always wanted to make sure the purchase was ok with her. Is that the kind of permission you're talking about?
No, def ask permission there!! lol. I mean by what is important to you and how you chose to live your life. That is in how you 2 define what you relationship is founded on. That's why I mentioned the social constructs earlier, because we take so many ques on what it "should" be like that we rarely stop to ask is this congruent with my own beliefs.
