So just a quick update. I was here on the boards back in 2013. Like most I was distraught about losing such an amazing woman. For years I neglected and laid waste to my relationship. I won't take you through all the details they are littered throughout the boards. She left(ILBNIWY). I made a decision that I wanted to save my marriage. I found DB I went on a journey that I'd never forget.
I started out this journey consuming anything I could just to maintain my sanity. I cycled through daily emotions of high's to extreme lows 20min after the high. She told me there was no chance we would ever be together and that's when my mission went from getting her back to getting me back. Personal growth became an addiction for me and I made huge strides. And a year later guess what? The woman who said she'd never return did. (There are many in between false alarms/starts). For the past 4 years everything was great because I felt like as a byproduct of my growth she returned.
Now this is where is gets interesting, while I grew in that time period, she did not. And for the past few years I have communicated my perspective on our relationship with only the clarity a person who's been through the fire can explain. Now I sit as a man who is on the brink of saying ILB this isn't working for me anymore... It's not a question of love, I love her dearly. I have redefined what marriage/relationships mean to me. Not through the social constructs that have been embedded in our senses and thought process, but what is important for me.
I guess what I'm rally trying to convey here is, grow! We do not NEED anyone, it's the choice that makes it beautiful. We are already whole beings without another individual, they are just the cherry on top. I hope this can be of help to someone who is struggling today. Focus on you and the rest will follow...
No, not at all. No lines to read between, nothing to analyze honestly. Clarity of thought brings clarity of language. I wanted to just reach to those that are here maybe for some of the same reasons I was back then, looking for answers. This was just a different perspective than what you normally see on the boards. The focus is generally "how to get them back" and she did come back. This was more to say grow in spite of. This is simply about personal congruency... Make sense?
That's just the thing though, I'm not asserting an argument at all. I'm not here for advice... I'm simply trying empower. I'm secure with were I am in my own personal relationship. The questions for most DBer's are usually in realm of "winning" the other person back. This was a two fold response. Yes, they comeback sometimes (success) but that is only half the equation, she didn't grow along with me (non-negotiable for me), so I'm saying focus on growing everything else follows...
she didn't grow along with me (non-negotiable for me), so I'm saying focus on growing everything else follows...
I would think that it is fairly common for the person in crisis not to grow, that is why they were in crisis, running away. Yes you need boundaries, and she will either catch up or not.
Isn't that all part of the communication that is missing with most of us here on the boards? Once they come back the communication must start so that they can catch up and we as a couple can be on the same page. Wants and desires must be discussed so that they will be understood by both partners. Without that understanding we will never know what each other wants and needs out of the relationship.
I think you were correct with your statement that we don't "need" anyone, but I personally feel that we choose to spend our lives with a person because God has placed them into our lives for a purpose of creating a family. I know not everyone feels that way, but whatever floats your boat.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Glad to hear your DBing has helped you so much with independence, happiness, and strength. Do you not want to wait for your wife to catch up? It's often the case that there's mismatched timing and its part of the marriage agreement to stick it out and wait it out until there's balance again. Right? Believe me, I'm not one to talk. I waffle daily between giving up on my H (despite very gratifying personal growth) and holding on because that's what I signed up for.
Might you feel a tinge of resentment or disdain for your W? Is there a way you can help her? Do you want to help her?
@SBJ: Yes I agree it is certainly a choice we make to spend our lives with another person. I'm not sure I'm fully understanding your 1st paragraph. Communication is not the problem for us at this particular moment in my relationship. Its not about giving me anything at all. It's about her growth as a person for her, irrespective of me. And for me like I said growth is mandatory.
@10083: It's not a wait or go thing for me. I think Cadet said it best "catch up or not". I can say without a doubt her growing is for her not me. There is 1000% without a doubt no disdain.
I know many won't get what I'm saying, I know it might not jive with where you currently are... Where we stand depends on where we sit. It's all about perspective.
