Ex wife has met someone else

[excile101]

Hi

I have been divorced from my wife for a month now. We were separate for a year. We have two young kids, 5 and 9 years. We still both own our house.

I have been hoping that because I got on well with my ex W, that we could have started dating again soon and hopefully reconciling at some point in the future.

I discovered last night that she has started dating another man. She says that she needs to have a life too and doesn't want to mope around anymore. She tried to ask me if I was dating anyone, almost to try and minimise her guilt and she then called me later in the evening asking me how I felt?

I was in no fit state to have a rational discussion as I feel devastated by what has happened. I feel like a fool for believing that things could have been different.

I live alone, I have not met anyone and I didn't intend to as I put all my hopes on my ex. We used to go out as a family with the kids to try and maintain some stability and I thought we were friendly. She wants to continue this occasionally but I have said no as I can't see how it would work. I also need to let her go now but feel that it's going to be difficult for me to deal with my emotions if I see her.

Has anyone been in this sitch? How do you deal it? moving on is my only option now but what should I do in the short term? I will still see the kids but I am thinking of selling the house now as its another tie that I don't need

[Sotto]

Hi Excile, I'm sorry to hear that - but I think the central problem for you isn't that your W is dating - it's that you are struggling to let go and move forward/on following your divorce.

I hope this will help you accept that both you and your ex wife do now have separate lives apart from the important job of coparenting. I think you have been (perhaps unrealistically) hoping for a reconciliation right after divorce. But I don't believe your ex would have finalised the D had she felt inclined towards this. In the much longer term, who knows?

But, in the short term, please focus on yourself and rebuilding your own life after all that has happened. FWIW, I don't feel dating is a great plan just now - but I would encourage you to start doing some social things or other things you enjoy - and do them in that time when you don't have the kids.

I don't believe it is a problem to potentially be willing to consider a possible R further down the line. However, I do feel it is a problem to wait and hope against hope to the extent that you don't live your life independent of her. Perhaps this happening will help give you the forward momentum to really start letting go and accepting the end of the M.

You may want to google Divorce Recovery Workshop as I notice you're in the UK and people seem to find the workshop really helpful.

[Dawgs]

Excile,

I'm sorry that you are here. It's not an easy place to be but you'll find great support. This place has helped me immeasurably.

I have been hoping that because I got on well with my ex W, that we could have started dating again soon and hopefully reconciling at some point in the future.

This sticks with me because I had originally thought the same thing. The thing to remember is that its ok to hold a place, but don't pin your hopes on it. I'll use my oft-said road analogy here - you and your ex are on two different roads. The unfortunate thing, is that your ex's road doesn't have room for you - just her. And where hers leads her is entirely up to her. You, on the other hand, can have room on yours for her, but just know that she may never travel it - your road is for you. You may not be able to see yours now, but its there. Just do the best you can for you.

I discovered last night that she has started dating another man. She says that she needs to have a life too and doesn't want to mope around anymore. She tried to ask me if I was dating anyone, almost to try and minimise her guilt and she then called me later in the evening asking me how I felt?

This is one of the toughest, most bitter pill you will ever have to swallow. To know that an ex is dating is tough. Mine is. I hated it, but its out of my hands. Nor, really do I care anymore what she does as long as it has no affect on the kids. If you don't have to, don't talk to her anymore about this. And, don't concentrate on what she is/isn't doing. She's not your concern anymore. Tough times, my friend.

We used to go out as a family with the kids to try and maintain some stability and I thought we were friendly. She wants to continue this occasionally but I have said no as I can't see how it would work. I also need to let her go now but feel that it's going to be difficult for me to deal with my emotions if I see her.

Kids bring an additional hardship into this. My advice, going out as a "family" after divorce to bring some sort of stability brings nothing but hurt and confusion for the kids. Some may feel differently, though. But to go out and make it seem like its all OK, then don't. Just don't.

now but what should I do in the short term

Do things for you and the kids. What hobbies do you have? Find one that requires concentration and immerse yourself in it. For me, I love going to the gym - weights, hitting the bag, etc. You'll find that exercise is the single best anti-depressant there it. Hang in there. You'll be fine.

[PsySara]

If going out with your ex causes you pain and confusion then don't do it. And I would seriously consider dating, not to start a new R but to boost your confidence. Or simply go to a meetup group (you can google local ones) and start hanging out with others hiking, salsa, whatever. There is a DBer on here who believes in the philosophy that the easiest way to draw back your spouse is to look like you are desirable. So even if you aren't dating kind of hint that you are. Be mysterious, if she asks what you are doing then just say, hanging out with someone. Nothing more. When you talk to her be busy, busy , busy. End the convo before she does, stop hanging on for her.

[excile101]

I am trying to figure out a new way of communicating with my ex without coming across as bitter or sulking. She is well aware that I am angry as I told her to stay the hell away from me. I'm sure that she probably doesn't care to much about messaging me as she is in that initial euphoria with this new man and is getting her needs met by contacting him. She seems to be respecting my silence and even asked me if I want to stop seeing the children for a while. I told her that they are still my kids and of course I want to see them. It's not their fault. I just can't stand the thought of seeing her.

I don't want to make any decisions right now that I will later regret. We split up five years ago and she was dating other men whilst I stood by and supported her when her relationships didn't work out. I hoped we would get back together and we did and had another child. I'm not sure what will happen this time round but I cannot sit by and watch men having her anymore. I am stronger than I was. I am financially secure and independent whilst she is not and is working two jobs. I wouldn't want her to be in financial trouble but I'm not prepared to be a safety net. I guess she never really saw what a divorce looks like as she still lives in the house and I still pay half the mortgage, give her money for the kids and maintained a good relationship even spending time together at weekends.

The house is now an issue. I would have to give her notice and place it on the market. I feel terrible for wanting to do this as the kids love their home but just the thought of a man in the house makes me feel sick. It was our family home.

I also don't want my actions to seem like a punishment. I'm not the bad guy, I just feel that she has taken advantage of my good nature/nice guy traits throughout the divorce and I can't let this continue now.

Obviously my feelings for her are not going to fade in a hurry. I would always try and leave the door slightly open but need to look straight ahead and move on somehow.

She comes from a divorced family where her parents had a messy separation. I don't think she wants to see that again but being friendzoned is not for me and I don't know any other way other than to cut my ties.

[PsySara]

Dude, STOP!!! Stop with the mind reading (I guess her needs are being satisfied, etc, etc., ) You are so wrapped up in HER you can't see past your own face. Put boundaries in place for your emotional protection but stop planning out the separation/divorce unless you plan on filing tomorrow. Wait until your anger and resentment have colled (or at least can be compartmentalized) and then CALMLY approach your wife about the mortgage payments and stuff. Detachment is the key.

In the meantime what are you doing for yourself? It seems like you are obsessing over this OM instead of working on making yourself both emotionally and physically smokin' hawt! BE the man that others would be like, "Hey if you don't want him I DO!"

[Ginger1]

I know it knocks you down when you find out someone you love starts dating. My ex began dating while we were married and I was pregnant! But even my last boyfriend whom I loved very much began dating a new woman 5 minutes later and it hurt like he ll.

But what worries me is how you hinged all your decisions in life on her coming back right after divorcing you. That's a little scary. You are angry because she undid some plans you had that were based on her coming back. That was pretty unrealistic on your part.

She is a divorced woman who is free to date and yes, it hurts, but I don't know why you are so shocked by it

The truth is, you don't have a right to be angry with her. I think you might be more angry at yourself for planning your life on an expectation of her coming back after divorce. You need to take responsibility for this one.

How exactly did she take advantage of you being a Mr. Nice guy? You chose to be a mr nice guy because you thought it would get her back. It was actually kind of self-serving.

I know this hurts. It's not to say way in the future you won't have a chance. But you have to love your life as a divorced man as she is living her life as a divorced woman. You can do this.

[excile101]

Yes I did pin all my hopes on her coming back. She even approached me asking if I fancied going out one night without the kids. We were on good terms. I am angry with myself for reading this so wrong. I have now found out that she has already introduced the kids to him without even telling me. I have asked to see me later to discuss the changes that will no doubt happen, but she only wants to speak on the phone. She says that we never really talked about things in person when we were together. I am quite anxious to make some big changes in my life. I feel like the relationship I had with her this past year is deteriorating now and probably for the best as it will force me to act. I need to do something with the house but I fear it will make her move away closer to him and I won't be able to see the kids as much. Its all getting on top of me. I don't want to make anymore stupid mistakes, just decisive actions but I am aware how delicate things are.

[Sotto]

Well, I would say there's no rush and when you are feeling so emotional isn't the time to be making big decisions. My advice would be to give things a little time to settle before you interact with her on 'future' type stuff....this doesn't need to be decided this week.

Were financials, custody, housing arrangements not resolved during the D process in any case?

Focus on settling yourself and then you can think about what works best in the longer term for you and for the kids..

[excile101]

I saw her in the gym today..she looked incredible..and I think this is my problem. I she has blown me away with her looks and body all these years. I'm a complete sucker. She then started interrogating me about what really happened to my car? (It was broken into the other night).

So on one hand I am lusting after her and she just talks to me like dirt. How can I see her for what she is for once? I would love to hear any ideas because I think this is a major part of the reason I can't let go.