I posted much of this in my Newcomers thread, but I figured I'd make a separate post here, since this is, to me, an obvious case of a classic female midlife crisis stemming from severe and pervasive depression. This includes an update of how things are going for me now.
Over three weeks ago, my entire life changed. My wife of 17 years, with no warning or indication of any problems, suddenly left me and filed for separation. No abuse. No infidelity. One day everything is fine (as far as I know), the next, my life has been destroyed.
The separation itself was horrific enough. I woke up that morning having pinched a nerve in my neck from sleeping awkwardly. I was in pain and my wife even woke to offer to rub it for me, but I didn't want to disturb her and I was already on my way out the door. Little did I know that this was to be my last opportunity to touch her or be touched by her. I went to work and just after lunch, she calls to tell me her mother fell and it was serious and she needed to fly out right away to take care of her. I of course understood completely and rushed home to take care of our dog, who would be home alone as my wife winged her way to her mother.
I almost immediately noticed things were strange when I got home. Her desktop computer was gone. The home office was a complete wreck with things strewn all over. I figured she must have been in a hurry as she was collecting things, but more and more, I noticed things were strangely missing...things that she shouldn't have needed for an extended visit to her mother. She called me, supposedly from the airport having read her departure time wrong, and I asked her about the missing computer. She assured me it was at the Apple Store being serviced for a BSOD (on a Mac?) and she simply forgot to tell me about it. I then commented, half-jokingly, about how it appeared that someone had tried to expunge her presence from our apartment. She scoffed at the idea and when I asked her if she was leaving me, she immediately denied it.
The next two days were hell. As I looked around my suddenly empty apartment more and more, I started seeing incontrovertible evidence that she had left for good. Her passport was gone. Our marriage license was gone. I couldn't find the keys to our storage locker. I started having repeated panic attacks and tried desperately to get hold of her via phone, text, and her parents' phone. I received two texts telling me that her mom was out of the hospital or that she was doing well, but nothing more. Other than that, I received no contact from here until Friday, when I received a text asking me to check my email.
There it was...an email with a separation agreement attached.
The email was heartbreaking. This woman to whom I had devoted my life was apparently so severely depressed that she'd been seeing a counselor without my knowledge for over a year. I'd never been told there was a problem that necessitated the dismantling of our life together. She'd decided she was losing herself in our marriage and the only way she could break out of the depression was to make a big change where I wasn't always there making her comfortable. She decided to lie and leave like she did because she was too cowardly to see the pain in my eyes, plus she was worried I might hurt her or myself (how I was supposed to be a danger to her when I had no idea where she was, I'll never know...).
Of course, that wasn't the end to my humiliation, because my wife also decided that after sending me the separation agreement, she needed to call the local police so they could come do a mental health assessment, which involved having me come out into the public hallway of my apartment and be handcuffed and detained while they tossed my place for things that I could use to hurt myself or others. Of course, my little dog was freaking out and barking, so that only ensured I'd be the centre of attention.
Funny thing...I had already intended on calling the police to relinquish my firearms as I'm a responsible gun owner and didn't want to chance what I might do in a fit of depression. Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to do that. It was taken out of my hands, so I had to endure even more humiliation on top of the humiliation of being discarded like a used tissue by my wife.
Since that big night, I've spoken to my wife twice via phone and once via text. Both phone calls went poorly. The first had me being the classic pursuer. During the second, I tried to implement what my therapist said about just listening, but my wife is not the most loquacious person in the world, so that ended up with lots of long, sullen silences while I waited for her to say something...anything. Unfortunately, what I got was "I don't think I'm coming back". I was absolutely heart-broken. The bottom had just fallen out of my marriage. She told me she was so much happier on her own than she was with me. It really hurt to hear, since I was completely blind-sided by all this. I knew she had depression, but I never had any idea it was this bad.
The text messages were even worse, since without vocal inflection, everything comes across as cold and aloof. It didn't help that I was asking about the state of our financials (she handled the household finances before all this started) at the time of separation, since my lawyer needed this information. She was evasive and uncooperative, and basically told me to go look everything up. That was my last interaction with her. In the last call we had, she told me that talking to me was taking too much out of her and she would be calling every two weeks now instead of every week.
Since all this has happened, I've thrown myself headfirst into making improvements to myself. These improvements are for me and me alone. I'm detaching from her so I can live my own life without being constantly plagued by her ghost. I exercise for 30 minutes a day every day. I've cut my food portions in half and started eating more vegetables. I have a daily list of things I need to do around the apartment to keep it clean and that's really helping me maintain my schedule (and ensure I don't devolve to living in squalor). I signed up for Facebook so I could reconnect with friends and family, and I'm making an effort to get out more. I've already made one good friend since my wife left me, so that really helped my self-esteem. And the best part? Weeks of daily exercise and eating less has really paid off! I lost 20 pounds already and my blood pressure, which was quite high before everything happened, is now back to normal! I've also picked up the DR book and am already halfway through it. I'm hoping to finish it before she calls again this coming Sunday.
I still have rough days. Days in which I miss my wife so much, I'm afraid my heart will burst. I get resentful and angry when I think of how she burned everything down just so she could feel better and deal with her issues. I know she had her reasons and she's not quite in her right mind with the severe depression, uncharacteristic behaviour, and adjusting anti-depressant meds, but it's hard to overlook how traumatic she has made this situation. She knew that I had long-standing issues over separation and abandonment anxiety, so it seems like this separation was tailor-made to wreck me fundamentally. However, I refuse to be destroyed by this. I'm stronger than this. I'm stronger than her.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. It's not easy dealing with someone in MLC, but we have a good group of posters here that will listen and offer advice and in some instances some 2x4's if you should need them. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome Thread homework. Please takes some time to read it. The links may help you better understand some of what you are experiencing w/your spouse.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-62, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry for your pain They blame us for their pain..and depression..they seem to think leaving will cure them usually there plan does not work and they do not find the happiness they thought they would it is inside and usually MLC is unresolved issues from childhood that brings on the crises..So leaving doesn't help but we can't explain this to them because they live in denial
You are doing well finding plans, friends, activities, and structure to keep busy
this is the hardest time for the LBS to adjust and work through the pain and shock of the separation The pain does eventually pass..always so hang in and keep taking care of your self
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Sorry for your pain They blame us for their pain..and depression..they seem to think leaving will cure them usually there plan does not work and they do not find the happiness they thought they would it is inside and usually MLC is unresolved issues from childhood that brings on the crises..So leaving doesn't help but we can't explain this to them because they live in denial
Thank you for your kind words of support, Peace. This certainly seems like the case here. I'm not sure is my wife has unresolved issues from her childhood, but I do know that she has some resentment toward her parents for how much they enabled her younger sister (drug addict/street prostitute/borderline personality disorder). Funny thing is that when she ran away from our marriage, who did she go straight to? Her parents, of course. According to her, they are "very protective" of her, which seems to be what is prompting the hiding and extreme low contact that I'm experiencing. I'm not incredibly surprised to hear how she is so much happier now than she was in our marriage, since she's now living with them, free of marriage responsibilities and supported by two loving (some might say smothering) parents known for enabling the worst behaviour in her younger sister.
Originally Posted By: peacetoday
You are doing well finding plans, friends, activities, and structure to keep busy
this is the hardest time for the LBS to adjust and work through the pain and shock of the separation The pain does eventually pass..always so hang in and keep taking care of your self
Thank you again. I'm very proud of the progress I've made. It's been less than a month, and while it still hurts to think about my wife, my marriage, and all the happy times we had that are now tainted with the spectre of dishonesty and betrayal, I feel like I've turned a corner. The evenings are becoming easier to get through and keeping a routine and writing in a journal have helped me immeasurably. I now go to bed at a regular time every night, I'm sleeping better than I have in years, I'm cooking most of my meals, and the exercise and portion control have really paid dividends so far.
I do have anxiety over the upcoming phone call from my wife. This is the first call she'll have made since adopting the "one call every two weeks" program and I have no idea what to expect. Hell, I don't even know if she'll actually call. My intention is to be as upbeat and positive as possible, focus on what's going on with her and work to affirm and validate the things she says instead of looking for solutions, and avoiding any talk about our relationship or the separation agreement. This is going to be a serious 180 from how things have gone so far, but in my defense, it hasn't even been a month yet and I doubt that any of the mistakes I've made so far are insurmountable.
The most difficult aspect of this is the distance and withdrawal. I know that she needs to work through her own stuff before she can have a hope of focusing on our relationship, but the enforced isolation and aloofness really hurts. I know this is all part and parcel of the MLC experience, but it still makes me wonder how we're ever going to make any progress when she's doing everything she can to sever any connection to me (or so it seems).
I just have to be patient and stay focused on my own betterment for the time being.
