cheesyt6 - 10months in and W is still far away..

[fightin]

Cheeeeeesyyyyyyt! Just checking in and catching up.

I'm so glad you had an amazing trip, that is so important to be taking time for yourself! Congrats on being an auntie again. As rough as it is to go through all of these things without your wife that you once shared with her I hope it is also empowering that you know you CAN get through it without her.

As for the meds, I can't stress enough how important I personally find it to take my meds consistently. I feel it has helped me a lot. Before BD I had been off my meds for nearly a year. I feel they probably helped save my life (literally) during the D process. The whole "numbing feelings" thing is a reason I got off of them to begin with, however, I have come to think about it like this:

I needed the meds before D, I have a chemical imbalance and that does NOT make me weak. I have learned to equate it to my thyroid not functioning properly and needing meds to regulate that. My brain is not functioning properly and the meds help regulate it. I don't know if you were on them before BD, but if so that might be a good way for you to look at it too. If not, then at least look at the meds as a way to help you get through a particularly rough time in your life and that once you're on the road to being fully healed you can address coming off of them. Taking antidepressants is a pretty personal decision though, so whatever you decide is of course up to you. Just thought I'd share some of my own struggles and thoughts from my own experience.

I hope you're doing well. Keep being awesome!

[cheesyt]

well, i signed some of many papers today. that gets filed with the court and a copy goes to the STBX. It feels good. i'm one step closer. I still have more paperwork to sign and idk what else but today, right now, I'm relieved. I'm happy. just concentrated on moving forward and being the best me. I know i had mixed emotions on the initial paperwork, and idk if i'll go back to mixed emotions in the upcoming weeks but this feels right.
I was smiling after sending the email to my L. I couldn't help but think back as to where i was 12 months ago. on a sh!tty roller coaster ride, didn't know which was was up and If someone would've told me singing D paperwork would feel this good, I would've never believed them.

chugging right along!

[Coly23]

Hey Cheesy, great to see an update from you!

You sound so much happier and like you say in a much better place than a year ago. I too am starting to crawl out of the dark hole I fell into last May. It's still heavy going but I can definitely see a slither of light up ahead.

Well done Cheesy you are doing fab!!

[NYGal]

Keep up the good work, cheesyt.

[cheesyt]

had the initial status conference today,
w had an attitude, and looked the exact same. same pants, shirts, over coat, same flats, her hair combed the same, just longer. She carried herself sluggishly – according to me. Wouldn’t even look at me, I made a point to stand up straight, smile toward my Lawyer, I dressed well in a reddish shirt, I stood in front of her talking-to my lawyer (about 10 ft away) through a glass door, made sure she could see me. Judge asked her a few questions, she responded, showed no respect for the judge (like getting up when he asked her to introduce herself) I am glad she carried herself in the way she did, helped me not be attached, I feel detached. The judge ordered us to have the house appraised by may 31. Hopefully it’s appraised VERY VERY high, and I get my share. Who knows.

Back to the W looking the same, I guess I expected her to be different? I don’t know. I know I am different, I wear different shoes now, different shirts, my hair is different, I’d like to believe I’m more confident. I just feel way different -I expected her to be different, she’s the exact same. My whole life changed, her’s….not so much.
Also, got her financials, which are bull sh!t. she’s making about 8 dollars more an hour than me, yet claiming to not be able to pay her bills. Um…what about when we only had MY income? We sure did fine. W also racked up about 20K in credit card debt since we split. That was a nice surprise. It’s crazy, like WTH did you buy? Also saw how much she owes in student loans, about 50k, at least for that she’s got her RN license to show for that. In a way, it makes me feel a lot better about the debt I’m walking away with. Saw her credit card and debit card statements, eats fast food a lot, spends a ton of money on food, and continues to frequent the breakfast place by our home – I’m assuming with SOW. Her life seems the same without me at a glance. I wonder how long, if ever, will she realize that’s just her life. Also got her pay stubs, found out where she’s working, about 2hrs away from the house in some little hospital. With that comes thoughts of, who watches D? SOW or sow’s son. (assuming sow is working, which by the money transfers from sow to W she has to be) I’m guessing sow’s son and D stay home alone, D is 11 he’s about 13/14. However, I always took care of D, W was rarely responsible and the cycle is the same, always up to someone else to care for D. working two hours away means W is most likely gone for her 3-4 days she’s got work. Makes me somewhat sad that I could’ve had D for that time but at the same time I’m not here to help W or make HER life easier. I know it’s not about W its about D but still, for my own sake I need to let go of D (which I feel as though I have come to terms with that) and move on from both of them.

Anyway, next step is get the house appraised.
I am so glad seeing her did not send me off a cliff. Haha

I just feel good!

On Gal - I have a second / weekend job where i'm meeting lots of new people. I love it. Also finished my spring school semester with good grades. And, i joined two softball leagues one on Tuesday one on weds, both co ed. oh and my month and change of vacation from running came to an end this week, started running again. Feel's great to get my shoes back on and hit the open road.

Happy Friday!!!!!

[OwnIt]

Would it not be appropriate to have your lawyer delve into these issues. I would be concerned with my D at that age being left alone with an unrelated boy of that age.

[cheesyt]

Wondering if someone can chime in. I am idk well over a year after BD, and PS. I am actually pretty freaking happy. There’s a pep in my step that was never there, prior to w or during. (say the co workers and acquaintances that knew me prior to things going south) My wife or what she’s up to no longer consume my every thought. I am here because I have a few lingering questions, when exactly will I stop “missing” my wife. I am aware I miss the W I married not this crazy selfish lady. I don’t miss her very often, and when I do it doesn’t last and the “missing” isn’t at like a 10…it’s more like at a 3/4. Haven’t been over a 4 in a while (I have a friend and we rate the amount of “miss” 1 being the least and 10 being the most) when will I be 100% ok? I do feel I’m indifferent, deff detached, but every time she sends a ridiculous email to my lawyer it just pisses me off. W is still crazy af, selfish, lying and manipulative, so why does that make me angry? I know little to nothing about her life and I’m ok with that. I don’t really care if she’s good or bad. But I do hope she feels guilt, and sorry (very unlikely) and remorse. I’ve read a few posts of how some on the boards are doing after some time and being ok with out the spouse, but they have kids so they still have to interact. My w and I have cut all communication except Divorce through the lawyer.
Not sure if I’m making any sense though.
I’m living, thriving, happy. BUT can’t help to feel like I’m still not healed, or like something’s missing.
Any input greatly appreciated.

Happy Monday!

[AndrewP]

I am here because I have a few lingering questions, when exactly will I stop “missing” my wife.

<snip>

But I do hope she feels guilt, and sorry (very unlikely) and remorse.

When you can let go of that piece. ^^^

We're on similar timelines I think and it still hurts any time that I run in to a reminder. But each time it hurts less. In my case it's easier because our paths don't cross except for her occasional interaction with S22.

I was having lunch with a good friend a few days ago and mentioned that I wished my STBX well and I actually do. I don't think of her guy as OM any more either. She's just someone I used to know - most days.

It will come in time but you still have some letting go to finish off. She was part of your life for quite a while. Someone posted to me once that when his W left him it left an empty place where she had been imprinted on his soul and it took some time for that imprint to lift up.

[AnotherStander]

y wife or what she’s up to no longer consume my every thought. I am here because I have a few lingering questions, when exactly will I stop “missing” my wife.

It varies, for me it was about the 2 year mark that I think I finally completely let go and moved on. I loved that family life I had, probably more than I realized at the time. Not only did W leave but 2 of my 3 kids grew up and moved out soon after too, so it was kind of a triple whammy for me. The kids moving out was inevitable anyway, but that's a huge adjustment to go through. My life looks a lot different now then it did back then, still fulfilling but in different ways.

but every time she sends a ridiculous email to my lawyer it just pisses me off. W is still crazy af, selfish, lying and manipulative, so why does that make me angry?

Yeah my XW went through that too. To this day I still don't know if she was blatantly lying about the D settlement or if she really did believe the crap she said. I eventually gave her what she asked for just to end the misery, a prolonged court battle would have been like a 2nd BD and wasn't worth the $$ to me to fight it. I still think that was the right decision because my health and well-being was worth far more than the settlement. She settled down a lot after the D.

I’m living, thriving, happy. BUT can’t help to feel like I’m still not healed, or like something’s missing.
Any input greatly appreciated.

You're doing fine, I'd say your progression for being at 1 year is right where it needs to be Just give yourself more time!

[Coconut]

when exactly will I stop “missing” my wife.

when will I be 100% ok?

Those are two questions, as for when will you stop "missing" your wife, I would say that you probably never will, because it's not your W you miss, it's your MR, it's part of your life and hopefully a part that you will one day be able to look back at without the anger (I'm still working on that part). I still miss my childhood when I think back to all my friends and good times we had.

As for when you will be 100% ok, based on what you wrote below, I'd say your there. unless of course your saying that feeling emotions is bad (yes even sadness can be a good thing in life). Your alive, your moving forward, you have a spring in your step, don't make 100% the only destination that matters, live the journey.

I am actually pretty freaking happy. There’s a pep in my step that was never there, prior to w or during. (say the co workers and acquaintances that knew me prior to things going south)