Never good enough

[ForGump]

Did your H have a healthy childhood/upbringing? A supportive, happy family (then and now)?

I'll repeat the advice given all the time here in the forum: you can't change him. You can only change you. Focus on being a great person. A fun person. An interesting person. Take a long, hard, broad look at yourself and who you've become in the last twenty years, and take steps to fix what you don't like, and be more of what you do like.

For most of us here ... odds are really low that we'll save our marriages. But all the work you put into this will, hopefully, save your sanity and some of your heart, and make it a little better for our kids.

It sounds to me that you've allowed yourself to be kind of isolated. Can you revive some old friendships, cultivate some new ones and reconnect with good relatives? Having a good support network of caring people will help you weather the storms up ahead.

Check if your health insurance covers counselors. If so, I recommend spending some time to find a good one and get some individual counseling for yourself. Divorce and threats of divorce are extremely stressful. Counseling will help, esp. if your H has a serious condition like bipolar disorder. Some employers also offer counseling through a thing called "employee assistance program (EAP)", separate from health insurance.

[010207]

He did have a "good" childhood. He was spoiled though and basically taught that looks matter more than almost anything else.

While each member of his family started divorcing he clung to me and said he was so grateful that was never going to happen to us. 1 year later and here I am.

I am trying to reconnect with people. I'm sure I'm not the only one here that can say this, but most of them are married. They don't understand what I'm going through and I honestly feel like I shouldn't be bothering them with my issues.

I know my employer has an EAP. Actually thought about looking up an attorney but hadn't considered the therapy through them. Thanks for the suggestion.

Went to neice's party tonight. So hard to keep a smile on my face while he is over the top happy. But I tried.

ForGump, you said try to be a fun person and be interesting. Suggestions on how to do that? I'm the nice person. I'm the one people turn to when they have problems or want a serious conversation. I'm the opposite of H who is the life of the party. I'm not a downer, but I am easily the person overlooked and forgotten about

[KentS]

"I'm not a downer, but I am easily the person overlooked and forgotten about"

It seems you diagnosed something that needs to change. This would be called a personal 180. You need to do it for you.

Kent

[Dawgs]

I don't think it's "being fun or interesting " in a way that is stepping out of who you are, but maybe back to who you were before trouble or even when you were married. It's not changing who you are, because if things don't turn out the way you want then you'll find resentment looking back at you if your "changes" were falsely done in the first place.

What did you used to like to do before? What are your hobbies? I found that groups related to my hobbies are awesome and a great way to step out of that box. The important thing to remember is that you can't change who you fundamentally are, but you can make small changes within yourself. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.

Keep your head up and keep driving forward. There is a reason the windshield is much bigger than the rear view mirror.

[ForGump]

010207--

I wasn't suggesting you be someone who you are not. But I bet you can be fun and interesting in your own way. There are just so many different types of people. Speaking for me, I was never drawn to the life-of-the-party kind of people (nor body builders, to be honest). I like the thoughtful, introspective types who have something interesting to say.

In any case, I have realized during my time DB-ing that there were many ways in which I was holding myself back. Censoring myself. Limiting myself. You might not be party central, but maybe there are ways in which your inner voice, the inner joy, was repressed in your role as a wife and a mother?

Why do you think your H is manic? Does he have distinct manic phases? Late nights, full of energy and ideas?

[Gordie]

I'm never the life of he party but here is a suggestion. You will be fun and happy when you are doing something that you love. Can you think of some of those things? Can you try some new things? I never thought I'd like coed group exercise but now I love it.

[010207]

Manic? Yes. For months now. I actually joined a board for bipolar to get some perspective there too. This is not my first go round with his ups and downs, but this is definitely the longest and most severe time. He's acting as though he needs this done yesterday and I'm not sure our marriage will stay in tact long enough for him to come out of it this time, if in fact that's the cause.

Being with him since I was 15 and having the marriage that I have had, its hard to separate me vs us. I don't know what I like. I have never had independent interests which is a real problem.

But you are all correct, it's past time for me to find something for me. Just don't know where to begin.

I finished DR and now I'm going to read it again. Hopefully I can really learn and apply the principles.

[KentS]

Talk to your friends about local happenings, clubs, adventure groups. I used to sneak out to bookstores and hone my speed reading skills over a tall coffee. Do you enjoy hiking, bicycling, bird watching, alligator hunting? Pick something, pick everything.

But most of all, have fun!

[Dawgs]

But you are all correct, it's past time for me to find something for me. Just don't know where to begin.

Is there something that you have always wanted to try, but wouldn't?

[010207]

My kids had plans yesterday so I went out to lunch with a family member. She asked me what was the matter with H. That she and other family members have noticed his complete behavior change. I had no answer.

I got so angry as I was sitting there thinking of how I have always done for them and never myself. So I left there and bought myself a cell phone. would you believe I never had one? My H does, my kids do, but not me.

He was angry by the time I got home and I don't know why so I'm not sure if it was a good thing or not.

His aunt called tonight to tell me that his father is apparently spreading the word that we're getting a divorce. He said he believes it's the grass is greener and tried to tell him that its not but doesn't think it worked.

I've lost 20lbs since this started completely from stress however I'm trying to build on that. Another 20 is what's neded. I've tried making sure my hair and makeup are always done and I'm dressed in a way he would normally like. Essentially I'm trying to do all the things he has issues with, without going overboard. I'm leaving the house shortly after to give the appearance at least of GAL.

So why does it seem like things are getting worse, not better? Not even the same. He isn't speaking to me AT ALL but I just feel like he is so angry.

His appointment with A is Thursday. I'm so scared. I don't have one. I can't afford one. I'm not even sure where he's getting the money to pay for his. I'm waiting for the money to disappear from our account and then I'll be short trying to pay the bills. But in his mind set, it would never even be a consideration. I've almost lost my house twice before during his manic times when he spends more than we make.

Am I on the wrong track?