Love is a decision - my story

[Seeker7]

Yes. I agree all of these important conversations should be face to face. Phone is second best. Right now, it seems like she's not open to these discussions, right? Back off and try with the small steps of just building a friendship where she is willing to be in your presence. It seems like you have a decent relationship with the kids. Maybe try to plan a family outing. Can you guys go to church together or to dinner or to an activity and just be civil with no R talks? Once that is safe, can you have one family meal together per week at a restaurant or at your place? From there, maybe you guys can go have a coffee together? Baby steps. No relationship talks--too stressful.

That is what I figured to do and it is nice to get some reassurance. On the W she does not even want to see me witch made Christmas horrible. The kids came over for about 2 hours and left to see other people. I quit asking her to go to church and us going out to do something. When she see me she has a face of anger towards me. She has a lot of bitterness for me. As for the kids I am seeing the more often and our R is getting better and try to take them out to dinner every so often but at their ages they are more interested in their friends and dates. I have not brought up one R talk since she moved out and have become much more validating on the phone. She will always answer my call or call me right back if she doesn't. But I have laid off of calling her as much.

[Gordie]

For my older teens, I find the best way to spend time with them is one on one doing something they like. For my daughter that is sharing a nice meal once every couple of weeks. For my son that is going to a sporting event. On a day to day basis it's the goodnight chat.

For a W who doesn't want to be in your presence, I don't have experience with that one but others here certainly do.

[Seeker7]

Thanks Gordie that gives me reassurance that I am on the right track. I have been try to do stuff like that but it has been a slow progress. I know that my kids will be a big part with me winning my W back but that is not the main reason I am doing stuff with my kids. They will always be my kids no mater what happens between us. I have been trying to talk to them a few times a week but that is hard because of their busy lives. I do text them to let them know that I am thinking of them. They are defiantly warming up to me more though.

W has a closed spirit towards me and have done some reading on that but it will be a slow process. I am following the 37 rules and do not initiate phone calls with her much. I let her do the calling unless it has been about a week from when I have heard from her. I do not believe that going dark is the right thing to do at this point and anyways she will always answer my calls. I do not stay on the phone long and just do a lot of validation. I just tell her that I am calling to see how her and the kids are doing. I treat it more as me being a friend to her right now. It is part of my 180 and something that has seemed to be working and like the DR book says to do what works.

I would appreciate any other feed back on this matter from anyone who has some experience or knowledge on it.

[qt4x11]

If you are on this board there's a 95% chance you are headed for D. No amount of books or DB'ing is going to change that. If you let go of the idea that you are going to somehow turn this thing around, you will save a lot of heartache and emotional energy. You are going to need it also - because this is a long, painful, process.

[Dawgs]

If you are on this board there's a 95% chance you are headed for D. No amount of books or DB'ing is going to change that. If you let go of the idea that you are going to somehow turn this thing around, you will save a lot of heartache and emotional energy. You are going to need it also - because this is a long, painful, process.

I will have to agree with this statement. DB'ing is a very fickle thing and fine line. What works for some causes others to run. A long, painful process is an understatement, my friend.

[Gordie]

What works for some causes others to run. A long, painful process is an understatement, my friend.

So, so true...which makes it really hard to figure out what to do!!!

[qt4x11]

Once you let go of the idea that you are going to stop your divorce, then staying on this board - for some people - becomes a matter of using the divorce to spur personal growth, and supporting others through the experience. It's your choice whether to remain on this board once divorce becomes clearly inevitable.

I've actually chosen to continue to post on here, as seldom as I do, to document this time for myself.

Just know that there are no secrets. The DB book only works for 2% of people, those whose spouse is very close to reconsidering anyway.

[Seeker7]

Thank you for the responses but I am a very optimistic person and will not give up hope. I am though emotionally detaching though slowly. I will not give up hope because then you will not succeeded. Let me give you an example.

Everyone knows that there is a very little chance to win the lottery but millions of people play it anyways. That is because you have hope to win. That does not mean you go out and buy a million dollar house because you hope to win. But once you give up hope that you will win then you stop playing the lottery. When you stop playing then you are guaranteed to not to win.

So hope has more to do with not giving up. Hope for the best and plan for the worst. That is what I am doing. So as long as there is a chance I will hope. But I am emotionally detaching and GAL. Another thing is, is if this does not work out I will defiantly be successful in my next R.

[JRuss]

I found that hope and detachment didn't go together well at all. Retaining any real hope, almost by definition, makes detaching very hard, if not impossible. And feeling at all happy, good, better, etc. wasn't happening for me before I started detaching. I was beyond stuck, caught in a perpetual cycle of hoping and having hope dashed. So now I'm much more detached and feeling better, but I'm also divorcing this summer unless my W has a wholly-unexpected Paul on the Road to Damascus Moment before then.

[Seeker7]

JRuss I am sorry to hear about your sitch and hope that she has an awakening. For me I have much more peace and joy now then in years because I have recommitted my faith in God and am letting him handle what I can not. I depend on Him for my joy and happiness. I know He has a plan for me but I just do not know what it is. So I have faith that He will provide me with what He thinks is best for me. People around me even say I am much happier now. I completely understand that she may never come back and have came to peace with that. I am living my life the way I should have a long time ago.

My W still to today will tell people that she still loves the old me and had a great first decade of M. My problem was not who I was but the person that I became because of my addiction. Not saying she will come back but I can not predict the future. I have been able to be happy while detaching and having hope. I could be different then most but I do not know. All I do know is that she has never brought up the D word but that does not mean she will not want one. I have almost 9 months before she can even file legally. What I am doing is everything i can to improve my odds of me saving my M. I have seen countless of stories of a lot worse sitchs then mine that have had success. What makes me different then them? What make any of us different then them?