Hanging and hoping- seperation edition

[BillyHo]

It's been about a week and s half since W moved out. I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her and wondering what she's doing. These are the worst times for me. I lay in bed with my head spinning and can't get back to sleep. When I'm busy with the kids or doing GAL activities it's not so bad. It's those quiet times alone that things start to get to me. I am still working on detachment but I don't think I'm doing a very good job of it. Im not depressed at all but the uncertainty of my sitch gets to me at times.

[AndrewP]

BillyHo - I think many of us reading here have been where you are right now.

It does get better. One of the "tools" that my IC gave me was something called "mindfulness". When the spinning thoughts would overwhelm me I would try to remind myself that they were just thoughts and not reality. I would then use a mental image - I often used a scrub-brush - to mentally wipe those thoughts out of my mind. It would work, sometimes not for long but over time I got better at it and got better at not obsessing about what my W was up to.

Good luck.

[Chris73]

Hi BillyHo. I feel for you man. I don't know which of our sitches is worse! You with your W moved out completely and you living totally in the dark with regard to what she's up to. Or me living with the W and watching her come and go as she pleases without regard to my feelings. I'm doing my own thing. Going out when I can. Not sharing the same space with her. But when she's out I do worry and wait up. On the one hand it's nice that I still see my W and give her an opportunity to see me and keep some kind of contact going. But in reality if she's not interested in reconciling I wish she would just leave.

[Bman72]

Hi Billy,
I still wake up at night and do the same, when I wake up in the morning my first thought is wondering if it was all a bad dream and then it hits me again, most of my dreams involve my wife - it's tiring I know, but it reminds me what I am doing and what it means to me. It has just ticked over 6 months for me. My wife is still at home but has just got a new job and so I am mentally preparing for her to start making plans to leave in the next few months. My personal goal is to be prepared mentally and completely self sufficient so that I know that I don't need her to have a happy and fulfilling life. How are you going managing your anger and resentment - I can feel mine brewing deep down from time to time and so I exercise a lot and meditate and re read my plan and my goals. I understand what she feels and why she feels it but am still struggling to accept that she can just give up and walk away - that is something I am really having to work on because I will find it very hard to respect that.

[BillyHo]

I'll be honest, sure I've been angry and even a little resentful at times but that isn't really the case anymore. I know I have a part in this but I really do feel sorry for my W that she isn't able to stay and deal with whatever she is struggling with. She has never been one to share her feelings, unlike me, and I beleive years of stuffing things inside has brought her to this place she is at now. At some point she will have to address those issues with or without me. I am being very patient, loving and understanding. I will be that way for as long as I possibly can. I love her and she is the mother of my boys. I don't think if she decides in the end that there is no future for her with me that my love for her should change. I pray that one day we can at least "try" but if not I will have to be ok with that.

[maly]

That's how it was with me her upstairs me downstairs,lasted for 4 years no change cycling stalemate,my head going 10 to dozen where's she going where she been,I couldent take it anymore so I had to get verbally nasty to make her go,I knew she would ,now she not here but I feel better,and things are moving fastest they have beenin over 4 years,things have changed ,but for the best or not,imI'm not sure yet but making her leave seems to have got things moving,living in limbo with them seems to drain the life out of you,and they seem happy living like that,

[BillyHo]

Yesterday was a pretty busy day filled with a lot of positive interaction with W. I had the boys overnight and she came to my house at 4:30 in the morning to be with the boys so I could leave for work. I have lined up someone to do this the nights they are with me but W is not sure if she's comfortable with it or not. I told her I would be fine with her doing it but I am not willing to give up my weekday overnights with the kids. So for now she will do it and we will see how it goes.

So I start the day seeing her as I leave for work. I go to work and after a while I get a tm from W wondering when I'll be home. I fm back a time. She then calls to see if I can help her with S10 dr appt. I did and she was appreciative. After the appt W stopped by my house. I took her mail out and we had about a 5 min convo about nothing in particular.

I took a nap and then had a coaching session. My session was very enlightening and made me see things in a different light. I caught my coach up in the weeks events and then we did an exercise for most of the rest of the time. She asked me to answer a series of questions as if I was my W answering. This really helped me see some of the things that I am responsible for in the breakdown of our marriage. Even though I don't agree with her way of dealing with the sitch I can now see how she has gotten to this place of not knowing what she wants.

After the exercise she read back to me all the things I had said in response to the questions. Sitting there listening made me feel very sad at all the things I had done wrong over the years. Not that I did any of it to intentionally hurt her but how could she know that only seeing it from her perspective.

She gave me a homework assignment to write a letter to apologize for all of my shortcomings in the M. She told me not to send it because we will review it when we talk again next week.

After the session I picked W and the boys up at her house to go to S10 basketball game. We had a good time. We talked a lot and kept the conversation light. When we are together like this it feels so natural and it's hard to beleive a couple of months ago she wouldn't even talk to me or ride in the same car to a game. After I took them to her house said goodnight and went back home.

I know some of the advice on here is more of a tough love style and every sitch is different, but I feel in my heart that this is the best thing for me right now. I do feel bad for those of you that have wives that spew and disrespect you and I feel fortunate that my W hasn't done that with me. I love my W and to love her even in these toughest of times is what I feel I need to do right now.

[Chris73]

Sounds like some decent progress BillyHo.

The details on the coaching session is very enlightening. I think I will try that experiment on my own. Probably won't have the same impact but I know it will keep me from storing up too much resentment.

My W has never really spewed and many times I could tell that she was very upset for the position she has put us in. But the disrespect is definitely there, and I understand why. In my case the tough love approach might be the only thing left I can do to win back her respect.

Really happy for you dude!

[BillyHo]

Thanks Chris,
I know I have a long way to go and a lot of work to do on myself. My hope is that all of this friendly interaction with my W is building a foundation to R but we are still no where close to that yet. I will keep up the GAL and take things a day at a time. One thing I have decided to focus on is my jealousy. I think this has been a problem that has bothered her over the years. Even when I never had a reason not to trust her I still worried she would leave me for someone else. That is more of an issue having to do with me and not really about her.

On a side note, from something I read in your posts in the past I think you and I may live somewhat in the same area. I would love to sit down and have a drink with you sometime. You seem like a cool guy and our sitchs are somewhat similar. Not sure how to make it happen. I tried to send a pm but it wouldn't let me.

[Chris73]

Funny. I tried PM'ing you as well (to get your advice on whether the phone sessions are worth the $) and got the same error. I wonder if one of the moderators could help with this?

Btw, I'm in the Philly area. I think a meetup would be great!