HI RBG, I would say if you've chosen to move into a new R, you've presumably closed the door on your M. And if this is the case, why worry about what your ex is doing or why?
As for the coparenting aspect, I don't think you need to focus on or try and help her, so long as the kids are doing okay. Who she chooses to be friends with or not is her call after all. I don't think it's up to you to try and help or fix things..
JMHO of course
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Its interesting to me that you call this out as 'my problem'.
I dont think this is your problem at all. To me, it looks like you are still in "Mr. Fix-It" mode. In my opinion, your W sought to put on her 'big girl panties'. I say let her. Her issues are no longer your issues.
Im curious, what does your new girlfriend say about it?
Last edited by Cadet; 04/06/1707:15 AM. Reason: fix quote
Its interesting, these comments saying that this is not my problem....
I know that she is not my problem, but I want to make sure that she is ok - after all, if she's ok, she's able to look after our Son.
My biggest frustration is that she cannot see that she has any part of the blame laying at her own door. She just see's me as the cause of all of her problems.
I have reached out to her Brother to let him know of her current state of mind and I feel reassured that he will help her. Its not my job to fix her, but its important that she is healthy.
Any other input or advice is gratefully received.
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
This isn't your responsibility. Not your situation to fix. You've decided to move on, so stick with that decision. Be strong for your son, support him, but his relationship with his mother is NOT your responsibility to nurture and guide. You have an ABSOLUTE responsibility not to make it worse, to not speak poorly of W, but that's it.
Hi RBG, I just think she is a grown woman who fired you from the job of being spouse and quite recently too. From what you post, it doesn't sound as though you have any specific parental concerns, and so I would leave her to it.
I understand your frustration about her not accepting blame. Truth is, if I had coffee with any of the WAS's here, I'm sure they would come across as decent people, and we all have our own 'take' on our situation. In mine, XH has never offered an apology, and nor does he seem to regret his actions. Though when he and OW had one of their break ups, he did say something along the lines of he knew he had made mistakes, but he hoped I would see that he's a decent guy who really knew what he wanted now....blah blah. None of that really helped me much at the time..
I think we need to find our own closure, without looking for the WAS to give us something. In the state of mind many are in, what they would offer may not help in any case.
This is well meant, but you seem a tad too preoccupied with your W to invest in a new R. Do you think you are ready to get involved with a new person? If you google relationships and entanglements, you might find some useful information there..
Hope this helps anyway and have a good day :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I know that she is not my problem, but I want to make sure that she is ok - after all, if she's ok, she's able to look after our Son.
RBG80,
I'm in a similar situation. There are two issues that make the situation hard for me. One is that my sons don't particularly want to be around my XW; that really concerns me. The other issue is that watching my XW flail around is similar to watching someone who's drowning (although I've never watched anyone drown). All of your instincts tell you that you need to go to the rescue in some fashion.
My XW has been suicidal in the past (due to childhood sexual abuse). I don't know if she's suicidal now, but I really hope she gets some help because I don't want things to spiral down that far.
Sotto - thanks for the comments and I understand your opinion about still being too preoccupied with my W to be in a new R, but its its just so hard to see her so broken. She has a history of mental health issues and I just worry for her. I will always love her (just in a different way now).
Doodler - the drowning analogy is excellently well put. I know that its not my job to fix or to help, however her family (whilst close and a lovely family) don't tend to get involved in each others business. This means that they won't sit her down and try to help. Someone needs to helps this poor girl.
Its hard to hear from someone who you loved for 18 years that you're dead to them. Knowing that they have pure hatred for you and that things (co-parenting) will now be even more difficult. I just don't know what to do or whats best....
I've been told by so many to just leave her and I agree that she probably needs some space. I just wish that we could have an amicable R for the sake of our S.
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
Hi RBG, I feel for you man as I see the same thing with my STBX.
Like doodler, my W has a history of childhood sexual abuse that has never really been dealt with. Her parents didn't know until a few years ago when I really encouraged her to talk about it with them. The highly dissapointing thing about it was their reaction of just sweep it under the rug and not deal with it. It's a common thing in that side of the family.
My W has also had sucidal thoughts in her past, has cheated once before and then slept around basically using sex as a way to hurt herself. Some of the things she told me basically sounded like consensual rape... Yet I could never get her to see anyone, talk to anyone about it. It was and has never been her issue, always someone else's....
I see her now and just fed sad for her as she doesn't even seem to be interested in looking after herself. I don't think she has even gone and got a proper haircut in a year, just cuts it herself.... She dresses in old clothes and any new ones don't suit her at all, her favourite new footwear seem to be bright red rubber rain boots (she was wearing them last Saturday when I picked up the kids and it was 16 degrees and sunny...)
At the end of the day though, it is not my place to fix and I just hope she gets some help even if it was just for the sake of our kids. Have even had a couple of mutual friends say the same thing, that she needs to get some help..
Its hard to hear from someone who you loved for 18 years that you're dead to them. Knowing that they have pure hatred for you and that things (co-parenting) will now be even more difficult. I just don't know what to do or whats best....
If that's her feelings, then how could you help her?
Quote:
I've been told by so many to just leave her and I agree that she probably needs some space. I just wish that we could have an amicable R for the sake of our S
.
Wait............what do you mean "leave her"?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The thing is Sandi, it's not really that I want to help her, I just want her to understand that she is responsible for her own actions, stop blaming me and sort herself out. If she's happy, then my S will be happy.
The "leave her" comment maybe should have read "leave her alone". ie, let her deal with her own issues and offer no support to her problems. This goes against how I have been raised - if someone needs help and you can help, then you should.... But she is a fully grown woman who needs to take responsibility for her own decisions and actions.
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
