Ongoing...

[RBG80]

Hey Guys and Gals,

Hope you are all well and that time has been kind to you.

I thought I'd just update you all with my current sitch. 4 months in and I appear to be another statistic - it would appear the M is now dead!!!

On the plus side, this is my opinion and I no longer feel the same about my W. I miss the woman I married, but don't think she'll ever re-appear. I now want to successfully co-parent with her and ensure that my S is the sole focus on our relationship.

I've heard that my W is beginning to see that leaving wasn't the best move and has had issues securing finance on new furniture for her new place. I've told her that she can have anything from the house, but this isn't good enough for her.

I think like many, she is now understanding the gravity of the decision she has made!!!

In the meantime, I have my 1st date in 18 years tonight.

Keep smiling all.

[RBG80]

Hey peeps, I really need some help and advise here...

My W emailed me on Friday saying that our S is being so naughty for her that she was going to ask me to have him on Friday night (it was her scheduled night with him) - he'd been saying "I've seen you already mommy and I want to go to daddies house"...

... I spent the next half an hour exchanging emails with her trying to lift her up. Explaining that he says similar things to me when he's with me and that she is a strong person and can do this. It was left that whilst I would be happy to help, that she would still have him. I made it very clear that I would be there should she need me.

Then I went into a meeting. I came out to be told that she had lost the house that she was meant to moving into within the next two weeks, and could I have our S. I called her up and she was in tears and so stressed out. Subsequently, I collected our S and suggested that maybe he went back to her Sunday afternoon rather than Monday morning - she agreed.

I've spent the last couple of days explaining to him that he needs to be good and look after his Mother.

She calls me up a couple of hours before she was meant to be collecting him asking if I could keep him overnight as she was still feeling so low. I told her that our S was excited to see her and that it would be best if she spent some time with him (however reiterated that I was there to help in anyway I could).

I know that she is seeing someone else and its been suggested to me that she is doing this as a way to keep something 'successful' in her life; but I don't know, I have no idea.

I've accepted that this marriage is over, I've accepted that there is another man and that she's slept with him. I've even accepted that IF she were to come back begging to reconcile, and IF I believed her, it would be so difficult to actually rebuild the M - in fact my guess would be that we'd be in the same situation in 6 months down the line!!

My concern is that I've seen this woman broken from post natal depression. I've seen her want to walk away from her S and everything else, and I've seen her crumble to the point were she was nearly admitted to a phsyc ward. I feel that I'm in a much better place than she is (emotionally) as I've HAD to deal with this situation head on. I've had to work through things that I never wanted to confront. She on the other hand, has spent the last 4 months with her head in the sand and ignoring everything.

She's now seeing me moving on with my life, dropped 56lbs, still living in the marital home. She on the other hand, may or may not now be beginning to see what she has left (not that she wants to come back to it), but she's still living out of one room at her Mothers, having difficulty with our S and has just lost the house that she thought she would be moving into.

Now here's where your experience comes in.... What do you think her thought process is? Is this classic behaviour of a WAW, TYPICALLY is this where she's likely to see what she's thrown away and may come back? I'm at a place now where I don't want that dilemma!

I'm concerned for her. As I've mentioned, I've seen this behaviour before - wanting to walk away from everything and being so low. I know that she is still on anti-depressants. I worry that she may be heading down the same path again. I've told her that I will always be there for her and that if ever she feels that our S is too much, all she has to do is call me.

For months, I knew that there would be a way back if she wanted to come back. Now I don't know that there would be, moving forward on my own will be easier than going backwards in the hope that we can build something better and something new. I just don't want the hassle of having to re-think my life again.

I guess that without knowing it, I've finally achieved detachment. I always felt that one day she'd want to come back (whether she admitted it or not), and this may or may not be the time.

I don't know if being so available is the right thing. I don't feel that this is my problem anymore, but I was with this woman for 18 years and I will always love her (just don't think I'm in love anymore). BUT how much should I be concerned - I don't have any concerns for my S at the moment, but if she is strong and happy, then my S will be happy.

I really could do with advise here guys - Some of you vets (I'd expect) would have seen this many times before and seen what action was taken and how things panned out.

I'd also be interested in knowing if I've achieved what is explained in the books (ie, moving forward on my own with my own life and doing it for me). Is it likely that she'll be seeing this and questioning her choices?... I just need to try and prepare for her next move, try and get my head ready... I was always frightened that if she wanted to come back and I'd moved on, it would be me turning my back on the possibility of my S having a 'normal' family.

Thanks to those who have stuck with this post and I'd really be grateful of your advise / feedback.

[RBG80]

Bump, could really do with some adivce guys....

[MoveFrwd]

Hey peeps, I really need some help and advise here...

My W emailed me on Friday saying that our S is being so naughty for her that she was going to ask me to have him on Friday night (it was her scheduled night with him) - he'd been saying "I've seen you already mommy and I want to go to daddies house"...

... I spent the next half an hour exchanging emails with her trying to lift her up. Explaining that he says similar things to me when he's with me and that she is a strong person and can do this. It was left that whilst I would be happy to help, that she would still have him. I made it very clear that I would be there should she need me.

Im having trouble understanding why you are trying to 'lift her up'. Sounds like OM's job to me. Make sure your S is OK, but I wouldnt be working at meeting her emotional needs. If she is having trouble with him, thats kind of on her.

I've spent the last couple of days explaining to him that he needs to be good and look after his Mother.

Seriously? He's a toddler. It is absolutely NOT his job to look after his mother. He should listen, follow directions, and behave. But he should not be her emotional support structure.

She calls me up a couple of hours before she was meant to be collecting him asking if I could keep him overnight as she was still feeling so low. I told her that our S was excited to see her and that it would be best if she spent some time with him (however reiterated that I was there to help in anyway I could).

I would say, yes, you are being too available. What if she were married to OM? Would you be taking your son when she feels sad?

My concern is that I've seen this woman broken from post natal depression. I've seen her want to walk away from her S and everything else, and I've seen her crumble to the point were she was nearly admitted to a phsyc ward. I feel that I'm in a much better place than she is (emotionally) as I've HAD to deal with this situation head on. I've had to work through things that I never wanted to confront. She on the other hand, has spent the last 4 months with her head in the sand and ignoring everything.

This may be true. Do you think it is your job to fix her?

Now here's where your experience comes in.... What do you think her thought process is? Is this classic behaviour of a WAW, TYPICALLY is this where she's likely to see what she's thrown away and may come back? I'm at a place now where I don't want that dilemma!

Could be. We'll all know soon enough.

I've told her that I will always be there for her and that if ever she feels that our S is too much, all she has to do is call me.

Again, what if she were married to OM?

I don't know if being so available is the right thing. I don't feel that this is my problem anymore, but I was with this woman for 18 years and I will always love her (just don't think I'm in love anymore). BUT how much should I be concerned - I don't have any concerns for my S at the moment, but if she is strong and happy, then my S will be happy.

It sounds like you are acting as if it were your problem. I think it's OK to be available sometimes. But I think you should not be rearranging your schedule to accommodate just because she is upset. She asked to wear the big girl panties....let her.

[RBG80]

Hey Darkness, Good to hear from you buddy.

I appreciate that its not my job to lift her up or fix her, but my concern is that this woman is responsible for looking after my S and I've been there when she wanted to run away from it all. I don't want her to go down the same track. I doubt very much that the OM even knows what she is like!!

I take your point on the issue of putting too much on my S - upon reflection, very bad move. I just want him to behave a little better for her. I don't suppose that there is much that I can do to rectify this now though is there?...

So many people have said to me that this isn't my problem and I understand that its not, but I just wanted to be the person I am and to support her where I can for the benefit of my S. Its difficult just to sit back and watch the woman who I spent 18 years of my life with fall apart.

[MoveFrwd]

I appreciate that its not my job to lift her up or fix her, but my concern is that this woman is responsible for looking after my S and I've been there when she wanted to run away from it all. I don't want her to go down the same track.

But where do you draw that boundary?

If shes married to OM, is it still your job? If you are remarried, is it still your job? My point is that it's OK to be concerned, but there's nothing here that suggests your son is in danger. He isnt without shelter or food or clothes or anything like that. Because of that, I wouldnt interfere much, and I wouldnt offer to be there to help with everything. At some point, your W will sink or swim. And if she sinks, then you will be there to make sure your son doesnt go down too.

Honestly, I went through behavior issues with my youngest during the separation. Kids are going to behave differently and respond differently depending on who they are with. I offered some ideas about what I did that was successful with my kids to my ex, but it wasnt up to me how they were implemented when my child wasnt with me.

[PacLove]

RG - boundaries are important here, I had a similar sich back in Oct, where W wanted to keep D at family home but I insisted she stay with her... 3 months later I'm moving on - had a few dates and now she's reconsidering her choices and wanting to R again.

Like you I thought I was done, ready to move on and she'd have to come back begging - but your mind plays tricks on you. The moment she opened the door to R, I had a totally different mindset.

First and foremost I don't advocate dating, I regret it. Giving the illusion you are dating is fine (changed my profile pic etc) but the actual act, while fun, hurts everyone involved. There's a reason they say don't date until D is final.

Coming back to your child, maintain the boundaries but in a polite and considerate matter. Explain simply to your W that we need to have a balanced lifestyle based on the agreed custody arrangement, and while we can maybe trade off nights if necessary and with enough notice - we shouldn't be doing it to cater to his needs. Not only is that showing weakness to our S, it also is showing to S that he can get what he wants by just putting a fit.

You both need to be there for S3 and he will have emotional ups and downs and these are things you will need to learn to get through as single parents.

[Jug]

Rbg,

I see that you are doing a lot of good stuff. Remember that you can't let her hold your s hostage. As for reconciling, make a plan for what your boundaries are for whatever would be involved in that process. What would she need to do and not do?

I'm about to embark on a similar journey. Keep up the good work!

[RBG80]

Thanks guys, I appreciate all your comments - some great feedback.

I've just received an email from the W asking if I could have our S this weekend (it's her scheduled weekend), because she wants to go to a spa weekend with a friend (so she says).

I've told her no - I have my own plans!

I'm angry because she's said that she'll ask her mom if I can't do it - she said she wanted to give me the opportunity 1st. This woman is shirking all her responsibilities as a Mother and it's my S who will suffer.

I'll be the very best Dad I can be, but I'm not prepared to be a back up solution to her when she doesn't feel like parenting.

Should I / do I have the right to tell her she needs to acknowledge and handle her responsibilities as a parent or just leave it?...

[sandi2]

Should I / do I have the right to tell her she needs to acknowledge and handle her responsibilities as a parent or just leave it?...

Just leave it alone. You handled it the right way. She is going to try to dump her child whenever she's too tired, he's not minding, she wants to go out and play with her friends or OM, etc. Don't rescue her. We still have to be parents when we are blue, struggling with life, etc. This is the reality of having a divorce! This is what she has to "get" in her head.....that divorce was not her best option.

I don't know the extent of her depression issues, if she was suicidal or may endanger her son. Is that a legit concern....or is it your protective instinct talking? Otherwise, I completely agree with the statements from Darkness. This is a critical stage for her, and I don't think you should constantly tell her you are there for her. That is what you tell a spouse who is in a MR with you.......and she tossed that away. Not as punitive means, but you need to get out of the way and let "life" show your W the consequences of her decisions.

I would say this new lady you have met, has contributed to you feeling more detached from your W. Be very careful and don't complicate your life any more than it already is. You may be emotionally vulnerable to any new person who makes you feel good about yourself. I should know, b/c that is how some affairs begin.

So, step carefully my friend, and don't be surprised by the reaction when your W hears you are dating. Actually, the timing couldn't be better (not that I am condoning it), just saying...