I have been on the boards now for many months, but have never posted. I have read almost everything on here. I have read DB and have implemented 180's, GAL, and going "dim"(kids). I have not detached at all. I don't want to go into a lot of detail about our past because it would take 25 pages. We have been together 15 years and married for 10 years. We have 2 kids, S12 and D10.
Basically, our marriage has been very rocky for a few years. We have gone cold and have lived as "roommates" for many years. We always got along fine and didn't fight very much. We spent a lot of time together travelling with the kid's. We could always laugh and joke together. The last year has been really rough and the last 6 months before separation, she started to sleep on the couch.
I have always been the more distant one and didn't put much energy into the marriage. She did most of the work for many years and tried to be loving and do anything for me. I was certainly helpful and did my share around the house. Over the last few years, she kind of gave up trying and we spent most of last year in silence, but always friendly.
In March of 2016, she told me that we needed to sell the house for financial reasons and that we needed to separate and find new places to live. She said this was a hard choice, but she couldn't go on like this anymore. I actually agreed with the idea and knew that we had to change something. Selling the house was hard for me because we had been there for 10 years and it was in a great location in California where we wanted to be. Other than the house, this was not a BD for me. I didn't flinch at the idea and thought that maybe if we got out of the same old situation, we might be able to work on our relationship from a distance and kind of start over.
We spent the next few months’ friendly and found places to move to. She rented a house and I rented a townhouse with room for the kids to stay over. The house sold and we moved out in June, 2016 and were still very friendly and talked and texted all the time.
About a month into the separation, I started to have a lot of feelings come out about the past and how distant I had been. It started to bother me a lot and it was hard to imagine how I was like that for so long. I decided to schedule a meeting with W and talk about working on the marriage while we were separated. I wanted to bounce some ideas off of her and see what she thought. We met at a quiet restaurant and then continued the meeting at my place afterwards. I didn't expect what happened next.
She exploded on me. She said that it was over and we would not be working on anything. She gave me all of the spew about not being in love with me and how she never should have worked for so long on the marriage. This talk went on for several hours and ended with some tears. I did a little begging and pleading. I tried to convince her of how good we could be if we tried. I had no idea at the time how bad the begging was. I wish I had found this board before that day. I had never begged or pleaded about anything in the past. I was always the strong and tough one in the marriage. I never showed any weakness to her until that day. I think that she lost respect for me and knew she had 100% of the power in the situation now.
As the days went on, I texted and called and begged, pleaded and reasoned almost every day for a week. She got further and further away. She said some very mean things and spoke in absolute negatives about everything. I finally found this board and stopped everything. I stopped texting or calling first and became very friendly. I started some IC and have made a lot of changes to myself. She has seen some of the changes, but does not really care.
I tried to go dark, but we see each other a lot to exchange the kids for school or sleepovers. I decided to take these exchange times to be very happy and upbeat. We make small talk with each other and we have been very friendly for the last few months. I am very focused on her when she speaks and try to just listen (I was very bad at this during the marriage). We mostly text and call about the kids only, but we have had some talks about world events or what friends are up to. I am very nice to her and try and do things to help her out. She never brings up “us” or the R or the future. I have not brought any of these things up either over the past 2 months. We are in friendly limbo right now. She never brings up the D word and she never talks about any timeline.
So here is the main reason that I am posting now. I recently connected some dots (without snooping or spying) and I know that she is in a full blown PA. I also believe that the EA that preceded the PA started while we still lived together and was probably the reason that she asked for the separation. The OM is a guy she used to work with about 5 years ago and he is not married. I don’t know him at all. I am 100% positive that she does not think that I know. I have never questioned her about any dating during separation. I just assumed that neither one of us would do anything like that. So, all of this time I thought that I was dealing with a WAW. It makes so much sense now that I am dealing with a WW. All of her spew and nasty outbursts now seem to follow the WW script.
I am now so confused as to what to do. I have read so much on the boards about staying friendly and trying to build a new R by being as nice and thoughtful as I have ever been. I think that she has been a little conflicted over the last few months because I have become such a nice guy to her. I don’t think she knows how to deal with this. The man she left a few months ago was an A-Hole and nothing like the man I am now.
So what do I do????? Do I continue on and act as if I don’t know about the PA? She is still hiding it from me. Do I just continue to be the nicest and most caring guy that I can be and hope she has a change of heart? Maybe the A will run its course or maybe the guy will not be what she thought he was.
I feel that if I confront her, it would change everything. I could no longer be her friend and help her out if she knows that I know about the PA. That would make me look incredibly weak and pitiful. I would not want to be friendly anyway if she continued the A. I also have no consequences to give her if she doesn’t stop the A. We are already separated, so I don’t feel that I have any bargaining chips to play. My plan would be to “ask” her to stop. As her husband, I do have the right to “ask” her to stop and not destroy so many lives by choosing this guy over everything else.
I know that I could forgive her and we could get through it if she stopped the A and wanted to work on the M. I do realize that we are not sharing a roof or a bed at the moment and this would kind of be like an ex-boyfriend if we ever decided to work on the M and move forward. It would not have to be a part of our new R together.
Please help!!! What should I do?
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So sorry you are here, but you'll find a lot of people in very similar situations, and we're all willing to help as best we can.
As for your question, to confront or not, you're going to get conflicting answers, and I'm not sure I can give you a suggestion I'd feel comfortable with. My sitch was different in that the OM was married, and I exposed it to his W, and that ended the A, however, my W, while probably not in a current active A, is probably looking for someone else.
Do you really think your W will end the A if you ask? IMO, she won't; the best case is she says she will stop, but continues further underground. If you haven't already, be sure and read Sandi's multiple posts about why a W turns Wayward, it has some insight into a WW's mind that will help.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish the best for you. Keep posting, and you'll always have someone to talk to about this.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
Nutts - Thanks for the response. I have read hundreds of Sandi's posts. I know what she would probably tell me to do. I have also read so many posts about "doormat" tactics and being the best friend your W can have. This is why I am so confused. This is a critical step for me and could really change the course of this whole thing.
I feel like I can't make another mistake at this juncture. Maybe my W has been waiting for me to find out so that she say "that's it" and move ahead with the next steps. She has not really been using me or "cake eating". I do all of the nice things for her on my own. I read a post somewhere that talks about not confronting and just being as nice as you can be. It said that eventually the guilt might be so over the top, that it will be too much for the WW to deal with and maybe they would end the A on their own. All I know is that the A has to end if there is any chance in the world for reconciliation. There can't be 3 people in this fight.
I don't really know what to do. I know I will get different answers from people, but I wanted to reach out to the board before I did anything stupid.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
The gist of DB is to detach from your wife and become the best man you can possibly be; confident, happy and self-sufficient. Then, your wife sees what's she's missing and starts pining for you. In the meantime you've become detached so you're not really pining for your wife anymore and then you have a decision to make because the all the other women hear your confident footsteps as you walk down the hall and the reverberation of you warm confident breath peaks their interest and then you start to realize maybe life could be different and maybe better, but you consider the children as well and you don't want them to have to split time between mommy and daddy but now you're not so sure that mommy was ever the greatest choice and all of the other potential choices are looking really good so there's this continued ball of confusion, but you're confident now so you make better decisions and finally an outcome is looming but it may not be what you'd originally envisioned and then somehow or other Donald Trump is elected president. That may have been a run-on sentence, but hopefully it's all a little clearer now.
I've been through this, and my XW never looked back. To this day she continues her spew, her blaming, her villainization of me. Her narrative on our history is so far from reality that I don't understand how she can still believe it. She bounced through 6 men before landing on one that she has been with for over a year now. She drank and smoked pot to oblivion for the first year and may be continuing. All in all, she is an addict. Addicted to anything that will make her feel better in the short term. Men, pot, alcohol, facebook validation, you name it.
I am marriage's number one fan. I would encourage you to stand by your M. I would encourage you to let some time pass and to work through your grieving process without burning bridges or meeting new women.
But detachment is key, so I would also encourage you to manage through this with no expectations, as there is a non-zero chance she never turns back.
Personally I wouldn't confront her. It will accomplish less than nothing. She will deny it. Then she will blame you. Then she will try to hurt you for revenge. Then she will blame you some more. Then she will replay all of those conversations for her new BF while she badmouths you to him in between sexual encounters. It's pretty sick, but that's what will happen. She's not going to apologize, realize what she's losing, or anything like that. Trust me. A Wayward Wife could shoot 5 children to death without remorse and find a way to make it your fault. It is pointless to talk to them.
My advice would be to make changes for YOU. GAL is important because it helps with detachment. When you meet your emotional needs on your own through friends, family, outings, etc, it will gradually make your WW seem like less the only answer to your soul, and more like a woman that you need to protect yourself from. 180s for YOU are important. Not to show her, not to land a new woman, but because you want to do better so you can sleep well at night knowing you're doing your best.
All in all, become the best you you can be, and move forward the best you can. It takes time. That's ok. Each day will be a step forward. You will get through this.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm just going to add my vote to the don't confront her-group. It's because you would be taking away your opportunity to interact in a friendly and supportive manner.
Best of luck!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
As you point out, you are already separated, so all you can do is ask, and asking makes you look weak.
And weak is not attractive.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Simply put. No, don't bring it up. Honestly, what makes you think that she cares what you think about it right now? You asking her to stop something will be viewed as you trying to control her from afar. You have no right to ask her to do anything and she definitely doesn't have to give you the time of day....right now Here's what will likely happen if you confronted her...you will become an enemy and she will be angry and embarrassed and will push
You continuing to do "nice things on your own" still allowing her to cake eat. She doesn't have to ask because you are just a nice guy and she knows she doesn't have to. Honestly her situation sounds pretty awesome. Dude to hang and have an emotional attachment with in her own place and you waiting in the wings to watch the kids and fill in gaps by doing nice things.
You can call it detaching all you want but it's not. Sorry bro
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
