You are going to be just fine. You are actually right where you need to be at this time, i.e., focusing on yourself, looking deep within and understanding the person that you are. You have to look within and figure things out a bit before you can move forward. But, I do know this...when you have figured things out, the world is going to see an amazing woman who has a lot to offer and I will be there cheering you on.
Thank you for the compliment. I don't consider myself awesome...just someone who has walked the path and is here paying it forward to help others.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I understand your views on not being healthy because of the constant contact. Like you I see you ex 3 times a week which is a lot when people are no longer together. Like you I couldn't heal (well I'm still healing), so to protect myself I have decided to go dark with ex only contacting him when it's about kids.
To be honest it is doing me good as I find it helps me to heal faster ( well as fast as I want really). The good thing of going dark is that when I had to meet him for a kid's issue I wasn't attracted physically to him and if I had to meet him in town I'd not pay any attention to him.
This is only my experience but maybe going dark will help you to better heal. I admire your strength.
Hi girls, thank you so much for the vote of confidence. It is amazing what this board does to me. I feel so much stronger when I post here.
It's because people like you that this world is not a complete hell. Vivaaaa!!!!
Coly, I see you are knew to the board. I came to realize that it doesn't really matter if we are new or old, what matter is how we use this time to grow ourselves, to improve in areas that we think we can do better, explore our choices to see if we have what is better for us and not just accepting the old because we fear the unknown.
I am very slow in moving forward (in my opinion at least) but every time I move I feel more solid in my believes and my strengths.
Rouky - It is not easy to go dark with my XH. He shows up unannounced, he text with a question. He travels a lot what makes it easier during the week. But as soon as he is in town, it is always a possibility that he will be around.
I tried the whole dark thing, but it does not work well. In order for me to do that, I would need to get paranoid trying to figured it out all his moves, and I won't do that. It is more headache then just let it be.
Besides, XH and I are very good friends. We can sit drinking a cup of tee (or 2,3,4, many cups of tee, Haha) and talk until 2 or 3am. Sometimes is hard to understand even why we are divorced.
Well, here is the next chapter of my soap opera:
My church did a Valentine's Dinner and they made sure to make it a friendship party. Couples and singles were invited.
On Friday 2/10 we got together to decorate the place. When I got there, the first person I saw was XH. I tough he wouldn't be there, but no big deal.
I said hi with a hug and kiss on the chic, he was very nice and had a smile. I got myself busy and he was around talking about his work and all what is going on. I just talk and was as I had been my whole life with him, very supportive and reinforcing that he is very good at what he does.
The night went smooth and we smiled to each other, we talked and had fun decorating the place.
On Saturday I spent literally all day getting ready for the party. Did my hair, nails, make up and put on a very nice long dress (with lace like I love). For the guys that are reading this and thinking I am crazy, just know that I am not, I am a girl and I love it.
When I showed up at the dinner, he was helping the church. He looked at me and I am sure he tough I was gorgeous (his reaction made me feel good). I said hi and of course we hugged and kissed on the chic as usual and he said that I was looking really, really beautiful. I said he was very handsome too and walked away to meet some friends that were waiting for me.
During some time XH was working and I was enjoying my friends. Then he came and put a chair right by my side. He was talking to our friends and then mention that my dress was kind of deep purple and that I used do not like that color. I told him that the wounds that were involved with that color are in the past now and that I was feeling good. He did not say anything, just looked deep inside my eyes.
Oh, by the way. We still talk with our eyes. There are many situations that we just look at each other and we know what we are saying. Amazing as it is, it still happen.
Then he left and came back about three times. At some point, the Pastor said that they had some gifts that we could purchase to give to our Valentine, and again he repeated that it was a friendship gift and it was not meant to be just for couples.
I bought a tiny bear and an artificial rose to my friend and bought a tiny bear, a little box of chocolate and a balloon for XH (he didn't know for who I bought that).
The Pastor said that there would be line for the guys and a line for the girls to give the gifts. Many couples walked to each other and I was at the end of the line. When it was my turn, there was no one in the other side.
I got the microphone and then XH started walking towards me to meet me in the line. The church was one sound - Oooohhhhhhh!!! and then they clap with happiness.
Well, it took me by surprise, but I kept myself in one piece and then said that life has it's mysteries. That last year I had many situations that XH was there to help out, that when I had surgery he took good care after me and that he was very kind and even gave me a XMas gift that was adorable.
And all that just show me that he is my dear and good friend and that I want to value that friendship giving him the gifts. Then I gave it to him. Chan...chan...chan...channnnn
Then XH gets the microphone and says that like everyone know he is not married to Pink here but he is still married in another country. That since last year during a party together, that he said he loves Pink and that he still does. And then turned to me and said: Pink, I love you. I love you with all my heart. You are the best person I know, you are the best woman I know and I love you.
*** You can only image the Hurray movement. Everyone were clapping and even crying. XH gave me a little pink dog and a real flower (just one, the way I like it).
Then we hugged and a kiss on the chic and even a little kiss on the lips. Oh well, you think that now we are walking to reconciliation ah???
The rest of the night we sat together, we talked about things from the night, people, food, what was going on.
Then I messed up... big time I guess... I said to him that we need to talk, talk about us. I said to him that I would like if we can talk sometimes away from the times that he goes to the house to pick up or drop off the kids. That I always feel like he is just using the opportunity but that I would like to feel that it is something important for him and for me as well.
He just said: Yes, I agree.
Then we walked to have a Valentine's picture. Which came out super nice. We left together and I gave him a quick ride to his car that was parked a little far from the church.
We talked about someone from his work that had a bad car accident and then we left. He drove behind me, beside me, like teenagers after first kiss driving in a highway.
Sunday came and he was at the morning service, he was nice, very polite. To the point that is kind of unusual. He runs to open the door for me. He paid my ice cream at the end of the service and I said he didn't need to do that. He paid anyway and I said I would pay him back later. Then he asked if I would go to one of the kid's BDay party. I said I would go home to get a warmer coat and go to the party, he said see you then.
When I got to the party he was there. I said hi and gave him the money from the ice cream. He said I didn't need to pay him back and that he could at least pay for my ice cream. I gave him the money anyway.
He was talking to some guys and I was chatting with some ladies. The whole time we were apart, we just looked at each other sometimes. Towards the end we end up leaving at the same time.
We walked together to my car and I said good buy, have a good trip. Then he was walking away and I "of course" messed up again, this time even bigger mess.
I called him and then asked why he did that. Why he says these things that he loves me, that I am this or that and then give me a cold shoulder like nothing happen.
He said that it is the way he feels, that he has been consistent in what he is saying to me. That he wants to be my real friend, and have a deep friendship with me.
I said that I am his friend, that we talk, he is welcome at my house, that we normally help each other, and that I am already his friend, so why he insist that he wants to be my friend? For sure he is not even close to be my enemy.
He looked at me and said that I still don't understand, that he will continue pray to God that one day I will understand it.
I said that if I don't understand, why he doesn't explain to me. That I feel he is toying with me. He said that he is not and I know him very well to say something like that. That he doesn't want to hurt me more then he already did. That he never changed his position and is still saying the same thing.
I got upset, said to him that I just don't get it. Why we can't sit down and talk about us like two adults. Instead, I need to get all the crumbles that fall on the ground and have some kind of understand that he doesn't love me, that he is just too polite to make suffer.
And then I left without a word to end the conversation. I got in my car, punched the door and left singing my tires. Somehow he caught up to me in a highway and was driving right on my back. He got close and drove by my side right before he needed to get his exit.
As you see. Sometimes I am my worse enemy because I tend to react in a negative way to everything that happen. I need to find the silver line that I will talk to him feeling that he loves me and feel secure that there is nothing wrong with me.
But instead, I always feel that he doesn't love me, that he does not care about me. I think it is time to work on my own issues about rejection and betrayal. I can be a barrier with him and with any other person in my life.
So, what do you think? All advices are welcome.
And by the way, I still don't get the whole "real" friendship or "deep" friendship. Does anybody knows what that means in our context? How do I need to behave if I am his friend (well, I tough I am his friend), but now I am confused.
Hey Pink, I don't think you messed it up or were being negative at all. I think you are right in just wanting to know what he means by deep/real friendship. Is he saying that is all he wants or that it can be the start of something more. I think he does love you but maybe not in the way you want him to. IDK it's very confusing!
As you say you already know that you are friends so why does he keep making a big song and dance of it in front of everyone. It must be very annoying. It's like he wants everyone to see what a nice person he is to you.
Maybe I am wrong about it and I can't see what others might see but I do think you need to have a straight talk with him about what he means especially when he says his position hasn't changed.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly, your questions are exactly mine too. And I too got annoyed. I am just don't get why he keeps the big show in front of others saying how much he loves me. I don't even see the advantage he gets besides covering up his guilt.
Maybe he is going insane. And by the way, maybe it is one of those MLC side effects.
Like I even tough that maybe he does this and then people think that he is this nice guy and then he gives me a cold shoulder and I react, logically I am the bad guy in front of others.
Who knows? Maybe I need a guy to say what this kind of attitude really means? I know there is more to it, I just don't know what it is.
Hi Pink, I do feel that your XH loves you - but I also think that he needs space and time. With the Valentine's event, you dressed up and looked lovely I am sure and he was swept away by this and publicly proclaimed love for you. You were swept away and you talked all evening etc....then he cooled....and you became frustrated and got angry....and etc...
It's a wash, rinse, repeat cycle that has happened before with your XH. So, what would break this? Firstly, to not be quite as receptive in the first place. You dressed to look like a million dollars to attract him at that event......however...He was your long term partner, and your marital breakup with the involvement of an OP was a shattering situation. I don't think he gets to 'sweep you off your feet' with a romantic proclamation - I think he needs to do some hard, genuine work to reflect on that and on whether he, you, you both can heal and be together again.
Second, your expectations went through the roof (understandable) when he said what he did - and then were dashed again by him being cool with you. This has happened before and I think the moral is to take everything with a pinch of salt. Actually, you are looking for sustained maturity and a genuine desire to reconcile demonstrated over a significant period.
Third, you pushed, he didn't respond and you lost your temper. So you went on another cycle of the rollercoaster with him and just got out of the cart bruised and nauseous.
Here's the rub Pink - I just don't think he is ready at this point to be the kind of mature and loving partner you want. And the partner who is ready to consistently do what it takes to rebuild something with you. He may feel ready 'in the moment' and the next day not - so things haven't yet settled with him.
The answer I think it not to read so much into these 'moments' and when they happen, try to sit back a little more and manage your own need to 'push.' It is partly your impatience of - I want this to happen now - that adds to your pain.
Finally, I would say - thank you for admiring my strength. But truly, it can be easier not to see your ex and I haven't seen mine for 2.5 years. Haven't spoken to him in almost 2 years or been in any contact with him for 6+ months. It is easier and more settled in lots of ways and I'm not sure how well I would cope if we were in contact you know?
Anyway - hope my ramblings help my lovely xxx
(Ps: a lot of these incidents centre around and are encouraged by church friends who seem to want you to have a romantic reconciliation...is that working for you?? Xx)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Okay, just reflecting some more in the bath this morning!!
Anytime we feel in a spin in this kind of situation, it helps to look inward rather than outward. You are asking us to comment on our take on this situation. But actually my main concern is how you are feeling within yourself at this point.
The thing is I suspect his behaviour may continue along similar lines for the time being. I think the question to ask yourself is 'from what place is me reaction coming?' Is it coming from your highest self aware place or from a place of 'little girl' hurt - we all have both within us.
I say this because for a while (with NG) I felt I depended on our contact to 'get me through this' and there was also a feeling of 'please love me!' I'm now seeing that I was responding from hurt and fearful places. Actually, when I look at things now I see that he may now be in a place to come forward positively, maturely and confidently. And if he isn't in that place, I wouldn't really choose to begin a relationship with him.
With your XH - I don't think he is in that place either. Because he isn't behaving consistently. He is dashing forward and then drawing back. And the thing is, if he isn't in the right place and you entered back in to a R with him, there would likely be an unraveling and further pain down the line. Because, you are going to have to deal with forgiveness, resentment, your own negative feelings and perhaps him spiralling and panicking somewhat too.
So, I'm thinking back to the advice from the wise Wonka. Perhaps it is time to sit on the couch with yourself - and that little girl too - and ask yourself from where is this reaction coming. Because you may not be able to change what he chooses to do, but you can certainly choose how you respond.
What I have come to realise is it doesn't really matter whether I am in a relationship or not. It doesn't matter whether XH turns or not - or whether NG chooses to come forward or not. What really matters is how I am feeling within myself. How happily and peacefully I can live in whatever situation I find myself. Whether I can count my blessings and be grateful and whether I can deal gracefully and lovingly with life as it unfolds.
I do encourage you to take a really long term perspective here and I hope these two posts are helpful to you. Also, I would say, please don't feel frustrated with yourself. Be kind and loving to you and accept that you are travelling some difficult terrain. Big hugs to you my friend...(((((( Pink ))))
Xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Who knows? Maybe I need a guy to say what this kind of attitude really means? I know there is more to it, I just don't know what it is.
Tita
Hi Pink, I follow along and saw this. I just thought I'd stop by to say that as a guy I can say I don't get it. I think it is more of a MLC issue dealing with guilt, fear, and/or confusion.
It looks like you've got some really good advice. Take care!
Sotto you are right. I think I am the one enabling my XH behavior. It's kind of complicating when I decide to see it from what I use to know who he was.
I feel that he loves me, he does things to show that to me and yet he keeps himself on the "friendship zone". And now I understand that if I play along these sidelines, I will always get hurt.
I don't know what is happening to me right now, but I feel more strength to cut off his BS for now. Somehow that whole Valentines declarations with innocent words, intentions that were not so innocent, double message with gifts that he knew I would love, and yet a distance on the friendship message, it all made me upset. Not mad, but hurt and upset what for me is not the same. When I am mad, it goes away very fast. But when I am hurt and upset it tend to stick to me.
This is a man that knows I love him and would like to work in a R that is different then before. But he keeps doing this games again and again.
Well, as for DB rules, we can control ourselves and we can't control what they do or say. So I think I need to guard my heart for all those occasions when he comes like an angel and do things that shows his love to me but have a bit of a second choice of being good friends.
Right now, I need to look into my own life and project where I want to be in a year, two, five and ten years from now. I am not young and there are some things I need to think about for myself, really independent if I am with him, alone or with anybody else.
It's not easy. I need to count till ten many times,bit my tongue and don't say what I am thinking. I need to be a friend, what is really challenging for me since itfeels awkward. But that is what I need to do and it is not only to bring him back but do have a decent life myself.
I hope I don't fall for his provocations anymore. I really do. This man knows me well and he knows how to trigger my behaviors, but I have been changing too and maybe I can be a little better next time.
One thing that is sinking in these last few months is that I am single, that he isn't my husband anymore. It's weird to say, but only lately that I am feeling like this.
I just wrote to skm other day and I too felt much the same way. That many things were unfair. And as a matter of fact, they are for many of us that are in here. We sure did lots of wrongs, but we were there to endure the difficult time and stick to our commitment. So, it is unfair.
The point is that if I stay sitting on one place feeling sorry for myself because it was unfair, I won't live my time today e tomorrow. Life is not only a R, it has a lot more to it and personally I need to use this time to focus on me as many other Pinks then just a wife, a partner.
If your read my words now, it seems that I got it now. Well, it is still painful to look at the situation as a whole. I still cry because the "what if" happen often. I have frequent contact with my XH and he is nicer then ever to me. These "what ifs" are very constant.
But I am in this journey since jul/14 and some feelings start being just feelings, not a way of life. I am not sure what direction my heart will take from here. I still love him, but I am not sure what feelings I have for him. For example, I use to want to be physically attached to him, and now I do not have that drive as much.
I used to look at other man and really feel disgusted just thinking to be close to him, now I look at other man and I see some qualities, pay attention in what they are saying, and thinking that there are good people out there (I am very aware there are bad people too).
The whole thing is that I started seeing people when before I was blind, I started seeing myself when before I was annoyed and scared, feeling guilty.
I still keep in mind many things I learned about MLC. XH has a lot of those characteristics and I do believe that he is still dealing with that. What in some ways shows through his coming forward, getting away stuff.
Well, I will try my best to be just his friend, and I want to avoid him a little more then I did before. Anyway, when he is close I get hurt, and I am tired of being hurt. So, far seems a little better for now. If he wants, he knows where to find me.
Kyh - I think he really wants to develop a good friendship. He loves me yet, but he is afraid of me and my reactions. I am a straight forward person, I question things and I want resolutions. It is something he can't give me now. I tried to understand better where he is coming from with all the latest stuff between us and I think he don't want to let me go just yet, but he is not sure if I am his best choice since we failed once already.
Fear keeps me from being his friend and fear keeps him from getting closer to me. He doesn't want to hurt me anymore and he is not sure if he wants to be with me or not.
Part is what I do against my cause. My bad reactions to anything he does, is a prove that we would be miserable together. I understand now, that is painful it can be I need to detach, let go and just see him as a guy I have some feelings, but I am walking slow to see how it unfolds.
Again, we go back to the principles of DB. Detach, make a life for yourself, be independent, happy, attractive, let go on the old R, marriage as it was is dead, treat him lovingly and with respect, but keep your arms distance as a good neighbor.
It is all there for us. But it takes a long time for us to see all that in our own lives. Some people get this earlier, some R are different and the scenarios vary accordingly, but the essence is there and we are just too emotional to see it.
I hope we can have our family together again, it would be a bonus because it was not so bad and we have three kids. But if doesn't work this way, then we will try to be happy with whatever comes next.
Let's see what happen, Love from me to all of you,
