Hi Pink, I think the main issue is that you do 'bite the bait' as you say - based on something he says on a particular day. The thing is, he still sounds confused and bounces about - seems keen, then distant - then wants to come around, then enjoys his 'aloneness' - etc...
So, can you accept that this is where he is right now and live your life with few expectations of him and protecting your own heart? Anytime he advances your own expectations rise and then are dashed and you are disappointed - wash, rinse repeat..
Things have been this way for a while in this situation and possibly nothing will change with your XH for a little while....so are there changes you could make within yourself....whilst choosing to leave the door open a tiny crack if you want to?
I'm glad you are enjoying life generally though my lovely xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I feel like something is missing from your narrative. I read it as one day your ex said he would give you some space for a week and he didn't want you to get "the wrong idea" and you went ape sh!t on him. Did you calmly asked what he meant by space and "get the wrong idea"? Or did you just go off on him like you detailed right when he said those words?
I really don't know if we are missing a piece to this/
I am not there, I am not in your shoes. But from what you write, I don't see a cake-eater. I see a man who loves you who is trying to work through stuff with you who has his own demons to deal with himself, but you want it to happen at your pace and in your way. You can't quite grasp why he just won't recommit to the marriage fully right now.
I have never been in your position, and I certainly can't pass judgement, but you have a serious chance with patience. I would keep my eye on the goal and maybe consider the journey there may a little bumpy and slower than you would like, but out of any of the stories I've seen for the many years on this board, you've got one of the best fighting chances here.
But you need to decide if you can have the patience. Do you in your heart really think he is cake eating and being selfish, or do you think he just needs to take it slow because he has stuff to work out himself?
I've noticed you blow your top when he pulls back a little and you retreat away from him. It's not going to be a linear path, but YOU have to be ok with that.
I can see where Sotto and Ginger are coming from. You have expectations and when he pulls back, you get angry. From where I'm sitting, I see a man who is trying to get to where he needs to be in order to be "whole" again. I see a man who cares very deeply for you and yes, any relationship starts out as friends and when you are friends, it can and will evolve into something more if you allow him the time he needs to heal, face his demons and get his confused mind back into a normal state.
The question I have for you is this...if your xh were still your h and he was in a coma, would you wait patiently for him to wake up on walk away and say that's it, I'm done? Pink, if you want to explore the possibility of getting back together or being really parents who can co-parent, then you are going to have to lower your expectations, do not take what he says to heart and yes, take the bait. You are going to have to dig deeper for patient and know that it takes a very long time for them to work thru their issues. You can't rush the process and you've allowed yourself to be on his rollercoaster far too long...step off the ride and I think that if you detach for now and just listen w/o allowing your anger to get to you, you just might find that things will progress slowly but surely.
Pink, you've got a really good chance of reconciling w/your xh, but you've got to get yourself on stable ground and allow him to heal and to just listen to what he has to say and yes, stop the knee jerk reactions. I know that this is very difficult for you, but you can't control him, his feelings or his thoughts, but you can control how you react to what he says and his behavior...calm down, breathe and just listen. Come here if you want to vent, but you can't rush the process...it just doesn't work that way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Not sure I have much advice but from what I can read XH know that no matter what you will still be there for him. I think your kids are old enough to meet him without him having to come to the house. If he comes to see kids, leave the house and go for a walk or grocery shopping.
Wow, just reading what Sotto, Ginger and Job wrote gave me a shiver down my spine! They might just have been writing about me!
I can imagine you are both very confused right now. I think sometimes having an R talk is the only way to know where you both are and if you are on the same page...
Hugs Pink.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hey I am Pink... Had some technical problems and couldn't log in. Now I log in with a different info.
Thank you so much Sotto, Ginger, Job, Rouky and Coly, I really appreciate your help, your unconditional love in this board. It is very inspiring to read your opinion on my issues and all the advices to make me a better person.
I think Sotto, Ginger and Job are all right on what is happening. I did some soul searching and I have very high expectations when XH comes forward. Then he sees I am more acceptable and pulls back and I do get angry.
Ginger you are right on the money here. When he told me he needs to give me some space, I blew on him big time. I did not calmly asked why he was saying that. I just got so offended that we had spent such nice time together and he dismissed it all saying those words.
I see now that he is looking for a person that has the emotional balance, that is strong and had changed the blame game. He may be looking for acceptance since he still feels very guilty. Instead, I showed him that I will be always the same way it was before. I get angry and blew on him.
Updating what happen after that...
The whole blew on him and telling him to get out of my life, my face, my house... happen on Friday 12/30/16. On Saturday, we had a board meeting at the church. I went to the meeting and before it started, I told them that I decided to take some time out. That there was no problems with anyone or anything. That the only reason I was taking my time was to be away from XH.
He was there and heard all what I said, what was not much. He put his hands on the table and rested him face on it the whole time.
Some ladies start saying things like I need to forgive him, that I need to give him a chance, and blah, blah, blah. I looked at them and said:
- I am sorry and I really don't know what planet you are, but XH divorced me, he does not want to be with me and made it clear for a long time. It doesn't have anything to do with me, I just need to take my time and live my life the way it should be. One thing I am sure, I am not his toy and I do not want to be his toy any longer.
Then I left. And guess what!!!!
That same afternoon he comes to the house to talk. I sat with him and he start saying that he can't make decisions for me and that he is nobody to tell me what to do, but he thinks it is wrong to quit the church, that those people love me, they care for me and they pray for my happiness.
He said that now that I was so close, then I decide to quit.
I didn't ask what he meant to "so close". But I told him that this is my desert to walk and that I need the time to put myself in a better place. That I understand his concerns, respect his opinion but I will walk on my on feet to find my own path.
He was very polite, very nice and very caring. He moved close to me, but at that point I kept it to myself and my body showed him: Please, do not touch me or get close to me.
When he left we were in good terms. We were talking calmly and he was trying to make sure I was OK, that I would be OK. I reassured him that I was fine, just need my time.
On sunday, it was kind of late, I was on the phone with my mom and I heard a knock on my door. My mom said it was XH and I said it couldn't be because it was late and he had a early trip next day. I opened the door and there he was, looking at me like a wet dog. He then gave me a check with a partial payment from the kids monthly expenses.
He said that he brought it because maybe I needed the money for the week. Odd, because he just paid me on Friday for two months expenses. I said that to him, and also said that I appreciate him thoughtfulness. I did not ask him to come in and he noticed I was on the phone. So I said thank you and have a good trip.
He was said, he was looking beaten up, but left.
My mom was laughing, and said that she is a good witch and can always guess who is knocking on my door, even from 5000 miles away. Haha!!!
Some time went by and I was not at the church. But the point was not going there because I want some time by myself. Then, the point was totally ignored. A Saturday after that XH is in the house picking up the kids, then he came to drop them off and came in the house. We talked for about 4 to 5 hours. Most was him telling every single detail about his work life, and some things from his life in general.
He made a point to say a few times that he is alone but not lonely. That he is understanding more and more that he could be a different person. Once I mention that he would remake his life and that I wish he can be happy and have a nice life. He then said again that I should understand that he has no one in his life and does not want to have anyone in his life right now. Oh well, OK then.
When he left we were feeling good with each other. He gave me a hug and a kiss on my chic, then left.
There comes the week and there is a message from him.
He wrote this: - Pink - I would ask if you are going to the church tonight. As I am arriving late to the airport, I do not know if there would be any chance to make it to the church before the service is over.
I reply this: - Don't worry anymore. I took my time and I am in peace with myself. I finally got it that it is not about me, my pain or my pride. It is about God. I have my call and work to do. I went to other church, but I know I need to help that specific church. Nothing is a mistake, God does everything right, good and perfect. - I also came to understand forgiveness, with prayer and God's help I am being able to forgive the people that hurt me and forgive myself for the hurt I caused in other people and mainly you that was the one I did not meant or wanted to hurt. - I gave it all to God and will follow my path whatever it is, with no hate, no crying. - Christ is love, and I decided to be like him. - I will resume going to church even if you are there. - You put a period in our lives together and I understand and accept that now. - Understand, that I forgive, understand and accept, but I do not agree, or give excuses or forget. I still think that our lives together had more value to fight for, but that is my opinion, not yours and I get it. - So, do not mind my presence as I won't mind yours. I am actually very proud of all you are doing. - Thanks for asking, you are always so polite, it is nice. - And by the way, I still don't understand why God put us in the same church, but for this lifetime I will let that go, maybe I will ask him once I meet him on day. He knows better the lessons and purposes of our lives. - I humbly ask for your pardon for my big deal about the church and for exposing so much for so many. I do not regret my decision as I feel better no, but it was raw to get you involved. - God bless you.
He never wrote a work about it. On sunday we saw each other and of course he came to say hi. I was more on my own space then, tried to believe he was not there.
In all of this, nothing happen regarding his behavior. He comes to the house, he wants to know if I am OK. Keep trying conversation.
This is new: On 1/30 I got a message from him saying: - Hi Pink - if you want to call me this week, or for any emergency, please use my work phone.
I tried not to read to much into this because he probably forgot his private phone. But, for a very long time he didn't care about this. Now he remember to let me know, what means he thinks about it.
I saw him during the week and it called my attention too that he said he suddenly have been able to see things a little more clear. He mention that he felt like being in a thick fog for a long time and that the fog is lifting up.
Curious to hear this, when we talk about it here. The whole MLC effect. So, I guess he is like Job says: In the process.
But, I have been keeping my cool. Not too open anymore. We talked but I listen more now, and talk a lot less. Last Friday, we talked and he was telling me that he may have a job opportunity very close to the house, like 5min drive. Then I said that it would be an hour from his home and that is a huge commute every day. He then repeat that it would be 5min from the house and that he could be closer to see the kids, and be closer to help me a little more.
After talking for about an hour and a half. He said something an I smiled, then he mention that it was the first time that night that I smiled. That he saw me very sad and he likes when I smile. I told him that I was paying attention in what he was saying.
On Saturday he came to the house and I wasn't there. He was hanging with the boys and I got home and start putting some donations in my car. He came, said hi and said that he would like to talk to me. Once I finished, I went to the kitchen to fix a salad for myself and asked what was up. He then gave me a card. I did not open it, I said thank you and rested it at the counter top. Then left.
That night he came to the house I was fixing another salad. He said goodbye to the boys and stayed in the kitchen. I did not turn to him and did not say anything. He stayed there quiet, and after a while he said: - Well, I will be leaving now.
I said: - Alright XH. Have a good night.
I could count his steps to the door because he moved so very slow. Then he opened the door and took a while to leave. I did not go to the door as usual.
He asked if he could see the super bowl "with you". What in America it is a little confusing, because "with you" means with me or me and the boys. Oh well, I made everything as I would be there and arranged to go somewhere else without telling him.
He left church before me and when I got home he was at the house already. As I got there he asked if I wanted some hamburger, or hot dog or a brat. I said thank you for offering, but I would just eat something light and leave.
I was outside for a while and he came and said that I didn't need to leave just because he was there. I said that I knew it and that I just had some things to do. He then repeat that he was thinking I would be there to watch the super bowl and that I didn't need to go anywhere else, and I said to him: - Just let go XH, make believe I am not here already, that I am invisible.
He said: - You are not invisible and will never be invisible to me.
I then walked to the kitchen and got a bottle of wine out of the pantry. He was just starting setting up the table and starting making a lot of noise with plates and silverware. I didn't say a thing. Just put my shoes on and said good bye. He was upset.
When I come back after the game, for my surprise he was still there. It just happen that he decided to go to the airport from my house. He stayed at the house until 10pm. He even changed and came to the family room (where I was sitting watching post game interviews) and fixed his shirt into his pants right there. I almost told him that I do not need to see his underwear anymore. But I did let go on that too. He was a show off.
He kept making conversations about the game. Asked me if I saw what happen. I said that I did not see the game. Then he asked again, this time if I saw Lady Gaga's show. I again said that I did not see it. But I did not say what I was doing either.
I was in the backyard and he came and said that he was leaving. I almost said: yeah, and what? But, I was polite and wished him a good trip. It was his mom's birthday on Monday and I knew he was going to see her, so I told him to wish happy birthday to her. I did not hug him, I sat there and said goodbye.
About the card: It is a beautiful card. The envelope is blue the way I love it. The card has pink roses the way I like it. It is a very feminine card and the words say that "God makes very little miracles in our lives that it is hard to see it"
He wrote inside the card: - I am sorry I am giving you a Christmas gift only now. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and understanding. - You are a very amazing and special person. - This gift is from me and our three sons. - Love, - XH
It is a little trick for me because I gave him a store gift card for a men's suites store. The he gave me the same amount in cash.
I am not sure if he really cares to give a gift or if he found a polite way to give me the money back.
***************** After all this, I realized that it has been a theme for me to run away from him. My Pastor said in his faithful way that I have been praying for God to help us to heal and get back together. And maybe I need to believe that God is doing just that. But it is me that is keeping the distance.
Then I tough that it has some truth to that. That I am still trying to DB him but it has no sense sometimes. I figured that my biggest challenge now is to overcome my fear. I want something to happen but I do not want to get hurt.
Of course no one wants to get hurt. But one of my biggest problem when I was married was accepting his love for me. I always had a very hard time to accept that someone loves me. Weird no? But very true.
My question: What you think I should do? Start accepting his love the way it is right now and live the moment without expectations of what will happen from there?
My Pastor's opinion is that I need to be his friend and flirt with him. React like he is a totally different man, like there is no history between us and see him as a new possible love in my life. I am kind of thinking it would be possible.
Maybe I am healing a lot more now after so long time. Maybe it is easier to let go on all what happen and just go with the flow for now and yes, flirt with him and see what happen.
Today there is a service at the church and I will probably see him, it will be briefly. Saturday we have a Valentine's dinner at the church and I already bought a very elegant lace long dress for myself, I set up my appointment with my hair dresser to give some touch ups on my highlights, have my appointment for my eye browns and nails too. I want to be beautiful. Well, I think that if I am not young, at least I need to be looking good.
And this is my soup opera till now. I still hope that this will help someone else that will be in my shoes someday!!!
Hi Pink, actually I would take any pressure off yourself. Is he offering love and are you refusing it? I wouldn't even think that way just now. From what you post, you guys are still pretty reactive with each other. I would only seek to rebuild some kind of friendship at this point and if you would both like to move that on to something more in the future, you could do. But these are big decisions to make and neither of you sound to be in a good place to do that just now.
It sounds as though the pursuit and distance dynamic is still at work in your situation and it may just be good for you both just to get to a point of more neutrality. At the moment, he pursues a bit, you respond, then he distances, then you get angry and you blow up. Then he gets a little scared and comes forward, and so do you, but then he draws back etc, etc..
There are many ups and downs, and still something of a rollercoaster picture. You don't sound detached from him, but you do still sound angry at him when he withdraws. Can you offer only friendship, not hope for more, and not react when he withdraws?
That would be the way forward I think. And if you choose to offer friendship, do keep making your own plans and having your own things going on.
All JMHO of course, but hope this helps a little xx :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks for your words. You are wise beyond your years girl. I actually envy your strength. Sometimes I feel like I can tackle the world and then I feel like I can do nothing and have no direction.
Maybe I also have my own rollercoaster?? There is a very big truth in all this and that is I allow so much of all this to affect me.
I did some soul searching and found: 1. Detachment - I have "0" detachment at the moment. What I do is to get away in order to protect myself and then fall back into the game because I am still attached and everything pulls me back.
2. Owning my life - kind of do and kind of don't. I feel like I have a weight connect to my foot and I am dragging that around. I am not alone and can't just take any dramatic decision just now. I am in a waiting mode and it is killing me. I say waiting because my kids (young men) need help, they are not doing well right now. And my youngest one wants to finish high school at the one he is attending.
3. Life is busy - the days goes fast and I just have so much to do all the time. It is not different then when I was married, but now I would like to have some free time and I do not have it. Have my priorities disorganized.
4. Biting the bait - this one is big for me. Lately, I feel actually ashamed for falling into the pit all the time. I can see what I do, and yet I keep doing it like an idiot.
5. Hate, disappointment, hurts, wounds, fear, uncertainty, jealousy, love, anger... - I notice that my feelings are bigger then my reason for the most part of my day. Maybe it is another phase and I am still working on all what happen. But this give me a feeling of failure too, like I need to be all good by now and feel I am walking like a turtle.
So, being honest I have a lot of work to do on myself and I think I am my worse enemy when it comes to healing. I have constant contact with my XH and it is not being very healthy for my own good.
I am glad that I can read some things here in the board and get myself back into some reality. It's hard to believe that some people will be playing with someone's else feelings, but in this board we read so much wrong behaviors from partners that don't really care about anybody else, but themselves, that I better believe that sometimes it is the way and there is no other excuse.
I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of this whole situation and I am ashamed I have been in the same spot since 2014. I realized that I am losing some of my life because I keep attached to some ghost R from the past.
I started organizing my head and I am deciding to take the decision to love me a little more. One thing that bothers me the most is that I am feeling disrespected and I do not like it. Even worse is that I am the one disrespecting myself as a person. It is time to step back and look inside myself and organize my plans to move forward.
It sounds cliché, but that is the way I see my life right now. That no one will change it for me. I need to do this for myself and feel some pride again. I don't even mean to feel an arrogant pride, but feel my independency, my wholeness.
I have a women's seminar schedule for 4/21 to 4/23 - it is called Women in the Battle. It's Christian based seminar and it is supposed to deal with all what is in my life for so many years. I am hoping to get my pieces together and this way to focus on what is needed to be in my next step in this life. Then, when going to the seminar, I may have more specifics for what I need help and get a better direction.
It's even funny that after all this it comes to my realization what I knew all along. That our happiness is not about someone, something or somewhere. It is about us and what we do to ourselves. It is about what we decide and how we decide to go about it.
If we don't step into our own shoes, we can't walk the road.
I will report soon the latest that made come to this conclusion.
Love you with all my heart, and thank you to this board that is really my only support when all the other doors are closed.
I really was impressed w/your posting. You are so right...if we don't step into our shoes, we certainly can't walk the road that is our road in life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job, thank you for stopping by. Without knowing you are my guard angel. There were so many nights in my life that I wish I could just hold your hand and feel I was OK.
You are probably smiling now, but the truth is that many, many moments were pure pain in the soul and your words kept me going. Giving me hope for tomorrow and love for myself.
Thanks for being who you are. And you are just "AWESOME".
