Finally ready to share

[Cristy]

Hello Foxy13,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

You are so smart to recognize that doing more of what works (detaching, GAL, etc) is helping you survive, cope and eventually thrive. Chances are good that he will come around again when he thinks he has lost you. Be cautious and prepared for when that happens.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Foxy13]

Hi all,

I have been quiet for a while...i guess coming to terms with everything and learning to live. So a lot has happened in the last few months. i can say that H started 'awakening' in late december- just a year post BD, then in Jan he went back into the tunnel, Feb peeked out again, ran back in...March was a mess. Emotions everywhere leading to April when he filed for divorce.

He must have broke up and made up with OW appx 10 times in these last 5 months! Divorce signing scheduled for 25May, on round about 7May H writes me an email saying he wants to talk and discuss things (i assume financial agreement that we need to present to eth court). This is after OW has attempted living with him - which lasted about a week. I agree to talk and wait on him...he seems to put off the meeting (i see him pretty much every day as he comes to visit S). As the days go by, he starts talking about 'Us/We', he sends me a list of schools for S...i just go with the flow, let him talk and entertain him like we are in a play. On 19 May he finaly decides to talk (very brief) asking me how i feel and what are my thoughts on the divorce etc. I remain calm, i dont even try, im just calm! i tell him my thoughts - its not what i want but if he is certain he wants it, so be it. He tells me he is confused and wishes he could see a pyschologist to help him think this through-i listen, i dont ask questions and at the end he says he doesnt really want a divorce. I say nothing, i can see he is uncomfortable so i change the topic to a lighter note and the 'serious' conversation dies off. he leaves and a couple of days later again talks about schools and me and him running a business together etc...lots of 'we' in his conversations-again i just go along with the flow.

Fast forward to today...literally less than 24hrs to the divorce, he again asks me how i feel and if i would be ok. i say its not what i want but i would be ok over time. I ask how he feels since he filed...he gets nervous...starts making a coffee, then says that he is confused. He says he doesnt want to make a decision while he is confused and asks me if we can 'postpone' the divorce. i agree and all of a sudden his entire body language changes, he is actually relieved, he gives me a hug and almost with a skip in his walk says he is going for a smoke. I carry on making my tea in the kitchen (i can hear him whistling on the balcony), i sit down on the sofa and he joins me and lays down on the sofa, then asks me if it is ok if he can move back in??? and also, can he buy S a puppy. right...at this point im thinking 'calm down buddy'. i say yes (i dont want to impose boundaries etc as of yet). he is obviously relieved-i havent seem him like this in a while. He asks if we can discuss the move and puppy further on the weekend...and then leaves shortly after that.

Right...this could be another touch and go, he seems to have gone off OW but i think there is still something drawing him to her which he is fighting.
i am not really sure where any of this is going, im sort of just going with the flow. I seem to have let go, i was actually looking forward to being single-i was finding the positives in it, my heart didnt even skip a beat when thinking about the divorce. It was 6 weeks ago that he filed, and even then he said 'anyway, we have 6 weeks to think about this'.

I cannot express how amazing that feeling of no longer being emotionally involved in something feels-i felt free! i love it. even if he woke up tomorrow morning and decided to go ahead with the divorce, id be ok.

So my question is, is this just another touch and go or is it a reconnection? if it is a genuine reconnection, is it too early to let him come home? his lease goes on for another 4 months. it has been 17 months post BD. Ive read that if you let them come home early, it could backfire. im also just enjoying the peace and theres a fear of what having him back hime would be like...

Thank you for reading and although not sure where im headed or whether or not all of this will work...i will give it a try-just being honest.

Bruised and battered but proudly wearing my scars!

[Coly23]

Hi Foxy! Wow, now that is an update!

I am not the best D'ber however I have read on here that you should no let them move back straight away. I would use the four months he has remaining on his lease, more if you can, to see if he is willing to put in the hard work in to win you back and build your trust back up.

I think you've done brilliantly detaching. How did you achieved it with your H coming over to see your son?

[Sotto]

I agree with Coly - it's very early days and I would encourage him to stay put for now. Maybe meet up once a week or something. But very much keep making your own plans and let him start putting in effort if he wants you to consider reconciling.

A former poster Starsky used to say - the number one mistake he saw DBers make was letting the WAS back in too easily. So, avoid that pitfall. Caliguy got back together with his W for a while, and that unraveled. It may be worth looking back at his threads if you are in any doubt about waiting..

Good luck in any case! Xx