Sorry I've neglected my thread for so long, been super busy with GAL and DBing.
Monday WH and I took the kids TOT'ing and found out our neighborhood is chock full of children around our kid's ages. Matter of fact, one of the neighbors has a little girl who attends K with my daughter. WH and I had a really great time and the kids were sugared up and exhausted by the time we came home. WH is usually reticent about making new friends but he chatted with the other husbands and had a great time. I hope he follow through on this because my coach feels WH REALLY needs to form strong, vibrant friendships with males as otherwise he will try to be BFFs with women...and we know how that goes.
Yesterday morning I awoke to hear the baby gasping and coughing in a high pitched/wheezing way. WH called the pediatrician and the night call recommended steam showers followed by standing in front of the freezer with the door open. We took turns doing this but by 6 am felt we needed to go to the ER. He had 2 breathing treatments and oral steroids. The pediatrician said if we weren't docs she would admit the baby but felt we knew how to monitor him. WH was spectacular during this whole time. He mostly held and comforted our son. When we came home he took over with the kids and let me lie down for a nap. Last night we ML and cuddled.
We still have moments where he drifts away and gets quiet. I have backed off during these times and do my own thing. We have both been looking at houses and last night we talked with a loan officer about financing. WH gets very involoved when we do this, he asks if its possible to have a large garage for his bikes and cars. Positive future talk for the win!
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Well we went on a date night but it was a flop. I took us to the beach to walk the shore (something we previously enjoyed) and he was completely silent and aloof. I ended up feeling very blue as I realized how different things are between us. On the way home I had this big lump in my throat, suddenly WH pulled off into a marina and asked if we could check out the boats. So we walked the docks and talked about the different boats. It lightened the mood but over all I would give that night a thumbs down. So I will try something different next time, something like put-put golf, anything that takes the pressure to have a deep talk.
I went to IC (she saw WH once and recommended against MC at the time as he appeared still fixated on OW even though they had "broke up.") She thinks I would benefit from EMDR which is a spcial therapy for PTSD. She also was amazed at my endurance to work on saving this marriage. She also gave some good pointers for making WH feel safe when it came to discussing relationship/affair/reconciliation. She also said she feels WH would be ready for MC after I discussed our latest convos. The most recent convo today was on my lunch break. He was telling me he was numb inside, that he felt nothing for anyone except our children, that he felt I should walk away instead of wasting time waiting for him to get better. HE then asked me how I was feeling.
I told him I vacillated constantly between feeling like throwing in the towel versus fighting for every single inch of our marriage. I then started saying how I struggled the hardest with resentment and anger over the betrayal x2 and then asking myself why I was fighting for someone who obviously didn't want me? I started to cry (I am very sleep deprived) and WH gently asked me, "What can I do to help you? Can I do anything to make this less painful for you?" I told him just asking me something like that helped me feel better. I was out of lunch break time so he said he was deeply sorry for upsetting me during work hours. I told him it would be okay. I went to IC afterward and when I arrived home WH asked if he could ask about the session.
I told him some of the stuff but other stuff I kept private. WH then looked down for a few minutes and said he wanted to start MC. Now he said this in the past (granted with a LOT of pushing from me) so I will expect nothing. I will contact the IC and see if we can schedule a MC session. Honestly I just want to create an environment where WH can discuss the difficult stuff and how we can re-design our communication and also how we can really start hearing each other.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sara, I think you're a superstar. More than that you're SUPER SUPERSTAR.
I am sorry to hear that date night was meh. Perhaps it's time to change expectations? It will take time for the feelings to come back.
He's hurt you a lot. More than a lot. It is natural for you to feel like throwing in the towel. These are emotions. Emotions may pass. Emotions do change. You change the sitch and interactions and you will change the emotions.
This what you're doing now. Both for your H and yourself.
Change the sitch and interactions and see what follows.
A suggestion. When your H seems receptive, you could tell him that you can see that both of you have been through a lot.
What you're doing now is to let both of you heal. To change the sitch and interactions so the feelings will change.
(We know we think that he's been a big idiot but let's not tell him that).
Btw Sara, things seem not too bad but are you prepared for the worst scenario? The pendulum is still swinging.
I don't mean to be a wet blanket but there are times when wws go to MC just to convince themselves that they have tried everything.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I see really good things here. Really good. It's almost like you are on the verge of 'dating' again. You are doing date nights!!
Amazeballs!!
I loved this "WH pulled off into a marina and asked if we could check out the boats".
On your date nights, try to do things 'he' wants to do for a while. See what happens. Don't forget, doing things you have done before might not be good right now. You want to work on a new M and a better M that the first. Drop the old routine. Start a new one to create new memories.....
One point. Get rest. Like me, you really need your rest. I suspect you are the type that can work and work but the energy does not drain - it just goes and with that the wheels can come off your emotional control.
Have you both taken the 5 love languages test? I think your should if you have not. You say his LL is physical touch. What is yours. Do you know? Is his definitely correct, you may have 2 dominant ones (I suspect you both have). If he understands what you need - to be understood ("what can I do to make you feel better?"). You LL is words of affirmation here. But he responded to you and your pain, he cares for definite. Also, him with your baby. I see him slowly turning. Be very patient. Only good vibes in your house. Don't trigger it will slide you so far back.
Well done!!!!
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Dory, I am definitely wary of swings, so far he seems to be holding steady. Of course he hasn't brought up marriage counseling since saying he wanted to start it so I am going to keep my lip
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sara, I agree with surfer. For date nights, try meeting his LL. Take turns meeting your LL or better still, see if you can meet both your needs in the same date.
Btw, some men have the need for companionship. The very fact that you're next to them when they're doing their thing means that they are spending quality time with you. Is your H one of them?
What are new activities that he has or both of you have been wanting to try?
Have you tried asking your H what he would like to do?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Kid accidentally hit my keyboard, let's try this again.
Dory, I am definitely wary of swings, so far he seems to be holding steady. Of course he hasn't brought up marriage counseling since saying he wanted to start it so I am going to keep my lip zipped. If he wants to do MC I a going to wait until he pushes for it, otherwise I think he was just saying it in the spur of the moment. I make sure to work on making the marriage a good place to be and leaving it a bad option. I struggle with resentment popping to the top. Now that I am out of crises mood my stupid brain keeps reminding me of his horrible actions while in the affair. I make sure not become reactive when struggling with my pain and anger.
Surfer, We both took the LL test, his LL is physical affection whereas mine is:
10 Quality Time 7 Acts of Service 6 Physical Touch 6 Words of Affirmation 1 Receiving Gifts
What's interesting is we both got 1 on Receiving Gifts. My IC joked that she has never had a patient who's LL was Receiving Gifts.
Mostly I am working on being less reactive. with my children, my friends and my WH. That has been my biggest challenge. Last night my WH spiked a fever and now has aches, chills and overall malaise. I got home from work and he was craving a chilled drink so I went back out and picked up a slurpee. He was very grateful and said it made him feel much better. Last night we looked at a house on some property and talked quite a bit about what we wanted. This weekend we'll be looking at more houses with the plan to buy this winter. He says he wants the house to be in my name so I can feel safe if I decide to leave him in the future. (he will be paying the down payment) I applied on my credit alone and planned out my budget, I will be paying less in mortgage than I pay in rent.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
The very fact that you're next to them when they're doing their thing means that they are spending quality time with you. Is your H one of them?
I am not sure, sometimes he seems to enjoy me just sitting beside him, other times he seems not care one way or another.
Quote:
What are new activities that he has or both of you have been wanting to try?
He's mentioned cooking together but then said he doesn't feel motivated. He's also said he wants to go bowling and putt-putt but then vacillates when it comes to actually doing it. He gets very indecisive and tells me to decide, so I go through optinos and he shoots them down one by one. It can be crazy making.
Quote:
Have you tried asking your H what he would like to do?
I have and he gives responses but when I try to set up the plan he backs out. Tomorrow we are supposed to go to an airshow but he is sick and starting to say, "We don't have to go if you don't want to." Honestly this makes me irritated, he has done this before and then later says it's my fault we don't do fun things.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Bowling, putt-putt and airshows ... you sure he's really into those? I thought he was more of a thrill/excitement seeker. Something that involves engines and speed. How about driving a mini racecar? Take a helicopter ride. Hot air balloon? Rent a motorcycle? Rollercoaster?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
