Just tell her to go ahead and do what she thinks she needs to do and stay the course. GAL and detach
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
So sorry that you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel.
The narcissist is quite good at making you doubt yourself too. You question whether they are right when they attack you as a person. But don't believe them.
Pray. You've got this!
I will pray for you too. May God bless you with courage, wisdom and strength.
Has her pushing you around to make sure she stays happy, been pretty much the dynamics in the relationship?
Your concern for her may be clouded by the fact you've been trained to make her needs and/or desires top priority. Getting away and staying away from her will, hopefully, give you more sense of a natural balance in life's relationships. This is the time for you to take care of yourself. Get counseling, or whatever it takes to heal from this R and how to break any co-dependency traits or other issues you may tend to develope in R's.
Btw, forget doing and/or buying anything for her birthday, and have a great vacation WITHOUT her!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Has her pushing you around to make sure she stays happy, been pretty much the dynamics in the relationship?
Your concern for her may be clouded by the fact you've been trained to make her needs and/or desires top priority. Getting away and staying away from her will, hopefully, give you more sense of a natural balance in life's relationships. This is the time for you to take care of yourself. Get counseling, or whatever it takes to heal from this R and how to break any co-dependency traits or other issues you may tend to develope in R's.
Btw, forget doing and/or buying anything for her birthday, and have a great vacation WITHOUT her!
This all speaks true to me in my sitch
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
Has her pushing you around to make sure she stays happy, been pretty much the dynamics in the relationship?
Yes and no, early on when I felt wronged I use to be willing to walk away, shut her out, or even laugh at her off, even though I felt guilty later. The big difference between us, I'm willing to give and give until I have nothing left, she is only willing to give until she feels a bit of "discomfort".
How did that work regarding our dynamic? I would hit a point when I had nothing left to give, felt things getting horrible unbalanced, and then would lash out, walk away, or shut down. Or I would feel the need to retaliate verbally(never physical) for some previous hurt, instead of diffusing the situation. Though I did not ask for much early on and prided myself on being independent (and she always wanted to know what she could do to make me happy) once I started opening up about my feelings and wants (always mindful of trying to come from a positive place) she started lashing out, being resentful, or "forgetful" about things.
Quote:
Your concern for her may be clouded by the fact you've been trained to make her needs and/or desires top priority. Getting away and staying away from her will, hopefully, give you more sense of a natural balance in life's relationships. This is the time for you to take care of yourself. Get counseling, or whatever it takes to heal from this R and how to break any co-dependency traits or other issues you may tend to develope in R's.
Btw, forget doing and/or buying anything for her birthday, and have a great vacation WITHOUT her!
Yeah, I realize it will only get better from here on in. She was very giving with her body and emotions but never with her patience or time. I know she can be a sweet, caring, and vulnerable person (at least in social settings)hence why I fell for her so hard.
There were times where she really tried to reach and understand me early on in the relationship and I shut her out. While I recognize the missed opportunities to connect (and how I damaged the relationship in that regard), I know I'm not the sole blame and I do not deserve to be treated this way by anyone. She has some deep seated control and psychological issues she has to overcome and I know I can't do it for her.
When I made change for the better, started doing what she asked, and really tried to open up she started pre-jugding and "gas lighting" me at every turn. Her social circle could do no wrong, but me saying simply "good morning" was a control and manipulation issue in her eyes.
Will I forgive? yes.
Would I take her back if she came back for reconciliation? I know she will come knocking soon (and not just to pick up her things) but the choice to let her back in my life after facing betrayal and severe mistreatment is going to be a tough one for me. I would never do someone this way, but right now in her mind she is justified in any action against me and I am the enemy. When she comes off her anger high, I know the tables will turn.
Do I still love her? absolutely, but I'm still preparing for all out war, especially since I have already filed. I know it will not have to come that and things will reserve course, but I do believe that "eternal vigilance is the price of liberty".
For me, I now feel more in-control of my own well being and environment. Things will work out for the better and will probably completely change around very soon. But I'm keeping my war footing just in case .
Because it is what she had been saying she "needed" all along since walking out and disappearing. She said divorce was healthy for her and she was tired of being "oppressed". I did it mainly to protect myself and set the tempo because it takes months. I know it will turn around, but right now I'm ready to let it go and have been armoring up for battle.
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Just because she's been angry and demanding you sell all your stuff?
Part of her ultimatum was for us to settle out of court or she would "take me to the cleaners" in court. This was a complete 180 from the woman who was planing for the holidays, was looking for a better paying job (much higher than my salary) so we could start planing for a family, and was looking for our next vacation spot.
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Have you found any evidence of an A?
I doubt she ever physically cheated on me but if it were true I would suspect it more likely with be with a woman.
I never really cared who she spent her time with (to me that was her business) but I grew tired of her always blowing off responsibilities and promises she made to me and missing important dates for us because she was stringing herself out to be "super-friend", "super-employee", and "mrs.socialite". In the beginning I let it all pass, but towards the end I really began expressing how it made me feel and asking for the behavior to stop, that is when her resentment started building.
Recently several friends and my family remembers have been reaching out to me to not only support me, but also to apologize. Initially I was like "apologize for what, I should be apologizing to them for using up their time." But then is when I started finding out that she has been "poisoning the well" against me for several months. While I kept any marital issues to myself (never sharing them outside of her or clergy/counseling), I now believe that whenever she could not get her way she would run off and malign me by seeking a sympathetic ear from friends, coworkers, and family. That explains the "cold shoulder" and lashing out I started receiving from her friends and family within the past few months.
Despite all this venting and apparent negativity, I'm thankful all of this happened when it did. I have learned a lot from it, really started reconnecting with old friends and family that I lost touch with, and I believe that things are going to make a turn for the best right around the corner.
She will come back, but now I need to know if I'm in a position to accept and trust her. Regardless, I do not want to mistreat her (even inadvertently) in the manner she has done to me. I rather let go than continually punish her, even if she admits to the most sinister deeds possible.
Because it is what she had been saying she "needed" all along since walking out and disappearing. She said divorce was healthy for her and she was tired of being "oppressed". I did it mainly to protect myself and set the tempo because it takes months. I know it will turn around, but right now I'm ready to let it go and have been armoring up for battle.
Quote:
Just because she's been angry and demanding you sell all your stuff?
Part of her ultimatum was for us to settle out of court or she would "take me to the cleaners" in court. This was a complete 180 from the woman who was planing for the holidays, was looking for a better paying job (much higher than my salary) so we could start planing for a family, and was looking for our next vacation spot.
Quote:
Have you found any evidence of an A?
I doubt she ever physically cheated on me but if it were true I would suspect it more likely with be with a woman.
I never really cared who she spent her time with (to me that was her business) but I grew tired of her always blowing off responsibilities and promises she made to me and missing important dates for us because she was stringing herself out to be "super-friend", "super-employee", and "mrs.socialite". In the beginning I let it all pass, but towards the end I really began expressing how it made me feel and asking for the behavior to stop, that is when her resentment started building.
Recently several friends and my family remembers have been reaching out to me to not only support me, but also to apologize. Initially I was like "apologize for what, I should be apologizing to them for using up their time." But then is when I started finding out that she has been "poisoning the well" against me for several months. While I kept any marital issues to myself (never sharing them outside of her or clergy/counseling), I now believe that whenever she could not get her way she would run off and malign me by seeking a sympathetic ear from friends, coworkers, and family. That explains the "cold shoulder" and lashing out I started receiving from her friends and family within the past few months.
Despite all this venting and apparent negativity, I'm thankful all of this happened when it did. I have learned a lot from it, really started reconnecting with old friends and family that I lost touch with, and I believe that things are going to make a turn for the best right around the corner.
She will come back, but now I need to know if I'm in a position to accept and trust her. Regardless, I do not want to mistreat her (even inadvertently) in the manner she has done to me. I rather let go than continually punish her, even if she admits to the most sinister deeds possible.
What makes you know this to be true?
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
.