Obviously not. And maybe I'm letting her cake eat. But I'm definitely NOT being beta. I'm controlling what I do when I want, not her. sleeping with her was a totally bad move I get that.
I disagree with Texas on this one. ML can rekindle her fire for you, especially if you don't say yes every time. I would think of some strategic approaches on this one. Keep GAL and sometimes don't be home when she gets home. STOP hinging your emotions on her reaction or non-reaction. She's cold, detached, angry? Okay, keep on keepin' on with your life. Start to dress nice for no reason, change your hair or clothing, whatever to get a new look. Find ways to laugh again, men with warm/belly laughs are HOT! Continue to "act as if" you are in control of your life and this situation because in a way, you are. ML wasn't necessarily a nail in the coffin, rather it may have ignited some attraction she previously felt towards you. You just can't depend on her to be consistent right now, okay? But [b]you[b] can be consistent with the positive changes.
Want a divorce? No? Then STOP obsessing about divorce and start focusing on how you've changed inside. Before the BD day what your wife's complaints about you? There is sometimes a grain of truth in the mud. Also, keep being present to you kids so you be the anchor to their stability. As far as whether or not the DBing could hurt the kids, how can you changing yourself to be a better man and father be detrimental?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
It's been a while since I posted, but some new things have come to light that are really throwing me for a loop. But first, some background on the past 3-4 months:
I decided about 3 months ago to NOT address my W's on and off affair with the OM (which I know she is constantly pursuing), and try to truly detach to get myself in a better place. I thought, "I see the signs of her affair breaking down, I'll let the breakdown take it's course, and disrupt the affair fog."
So, I took the time to work on myself a bit. Mostly, getting healthier physically, spending lots of quality time with the kids, etc. Not pursuing/asking questions of my wife - letting her do her thing. This includes not snooping or questioning when she "stays late for work". (I assume half the time it's really that, the other half probably with him.)
I have slipped at times - mostly on weekends, but I have tried to be true to detachment rules. Through the weeks it was a constant roller coaster of HER mood. Sometimes trying to be chatty, others being totally turned off. Through it all I tried to be consistent and I admit at times, I felt I was maybe keeping her too much at a distance - as I struggled with the balance of validating and being a "Lighthouse" VS. allowing her to "cake eat" which I didn't want to do. As time passes, I feel the sting of the affair is dulling and I feel a bit more empowered, and confident in moving on if need be, but I still feel like crap and struggle with being solution oriented. When it comes to us, I see us getting further apart – we just coexist and interact when needed.
So here is the current situation: My wife was out until 3 AM last night at a "work event" which I asked no questions didn't wait up, nothing. This morning she woke up giving me some "looks" and being a bit more chatty about the kids, and my day – very unlike her and I KNEW something was up. I played along, answered her questions, even cracked a joke or two, etc. And then she started to talk about her work and the review she had with her boss. She told me he wants her "networking" more with clients after work. So that was there it was, setting me up for the "I need to work late more" excuse. I played along, but when she talks about that kind of stuff I start to shut down a bit.
Then she hit me. She proceeded to tell me that her boss thought they needed extra firepower, and that he was considering hiring OM. Quick background: The OM has worked with my wife for 15 years - either at the same company or doing deals together because they are in the same industry. I know him as her "friend", and since I have not confronted, she doesn't know that I know they had or are having an affair. Currently he is at a different job, but works sporadically with my wife.
So there you have it. While I was keeping my distance - hoping things would fizzle out, they obviously have not. She has crafted a plan, and I have no doubt this is all being done as the way out. So now, I know I must do something drastic. I cannot try and work on my marriage if this happens. I NEED to make a stand somehow. Do I confront and create a boundry? Last resort technique time?
Trust me, it's on the short list at this point. A D will be very complex for us (as it is for others) as we not only have shared finances and kids - but a child with severe special needs. I am seeing a Lawyer next Friday to understand the legal implications of my situation better.
I understand, I felt the same way and I never want to go through it again. On the other hand, now that I've been through the storm and I can look back on everything that happened, I wish I'd toughened-up a lot sooner than I did.
Thx doodler! Very comforting if/when i get to that point. Wondering if there are any other perspectives on my previous posts. Or thoughts on how I could/should handle it?
I've re-read the last resort technique in the DR book. And it feels less extreme than I remember.
I have read people on this board saying things like isolating your finances, sleeping in seperate rooms, not engaging in conversation. Per my situation above, I feel I need to change the dynamic and somehow confront this potential deal breaker (of OM working at the same place as my W). One idea I had was to have a talk - with me acknowledging how she feels about me and our broken marriage, but that I could no longer accept being lied to.
I'm really struggling with how to deal with this or address it head on. Help!
I don't think the "deal breaker" is the OM working at the same place as your W. If there is a "deal breaker" for you, it should be that there is OM at all. Is this a "deal breaker" for you? It seems that is is not, which is OK if that is your stance.
You have known about this A for some time now. I don't think that the possibility that OM might get hired at your W's work is really going to change anything...for better or worse. If she is currently having an A with him, it will continue if she works with him or not...right?
So what is your "deal breaker"? Is it that she is currently having an A with OM or she is currently having an A with OM that she might work with?
You need a much better plan before you go trying to confront her with odd boundary requests. I would hold off and do nothing for now. Even if it it is just a few days or weeks. I feel like you don't really know what to do right now and when you feel like that, it is best to DO NOTHING.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
You're right. I don't know what to do. The A is obviously a deal breaker for me, but if they are to work together, there will be no hope of us reconciling unless she leaves her job.
I was operating under the assumption that I can't do anything to end the affair - it must take its course - and I saw signs it was fizzling out, so i just focused on myself. Now I feel a sense of urgency that I know I cannot give into. But Matrix your correct. I'm not sure what my plan is, so I now feel in limbo a bit.
I re-read DR book, and I feel maybe I haven't goal set correctly. I have chalked any positive momentum to "cake eating", so I found monitoring results hard to measure.
Previously in my posts Sandi mentioned that the WW needs to feel a Sense of loss, and she takes a harder stance on how to treat a WW. I think I need to employ some of these tactics but struggling how. I need to develop a plan.
