Maybe She Isn't Evil

[AndrewP]

RDS - a quick check with your lawyer might be in order. I know that in consulting with mine that the agreement may have written in that life insurance is required to be able to continue the equivalent of support payments in the case of your untimely demise. I did get the hair eyeball from mine when I mentioned that my beneficiaries were changed to my kids. For my part, I want to make sure that if I do pass that the kids will take proper care of my last wishes and not just toss my ashes into the dumpster

I'm expecting it to be a point of discussion as we go through defining the separation agreement.

[RDS]

RDS,

I'm sorry.

Doodler, thanks, but where is your humor in this? 

Sorry

Proud of you for your comment about the life insurance. The fact you put D as beneficiary should have been enough for her.
It [censored] but if she blames you that is her problem.

You would think, but my XW looks at my daughter almost like an extension from me. It’s sad really. I keep telling my daughter to ignore how her mother is now, because hopefully in the future her mother will realize they will want and need each other.

Take comfort in knowing any more debt she accumulates is on her. You're out of that nightmare now.

One thing I can take comfort in is I am now in charge of my money. It’s amazing how much extra money I have even though I have to pay her alimony and I am losing half my retirement. I had to scale down a lot from the lifestyle I used to have, but my money is not going away frivolously. I’m even able to pay extra on the CC bills and put money into my savings. At least that stressful part of my life is eliminated. I had told my XW if I had taken over the budget we would either still be happily married or we would have divorced years ago because I would have been very strict with the money.

[RDS]

My W did the same. I can't remember the exact dollar amount but it was close to that. She quietly accumulated it over a decade while I was saving to pay off our house. When I sprung the news on her one Christmas that our home and cars were paid off and we were completely debt-free, I got a deer-in-the-headlights look. Not at all what I expected. Yeah, little did I know we were nowhere close to debt free. I still think that was a large part of BD, was all the anger and resentment she built up over the debt that she never told me about. I had to pay a large chunk of that in the divorce as well. But I'll tell you, it is really nice to know I am completely independent of her financial follies now, so at least you have that going for you too. As tight as your financial situation may be, at least it is 100% in your control now.

I can pinpoint the moment when my marriage started to fall apart and it was the day I opened a CC bill fully expecting the amount to be “0”. Instead it was over $10k, and the more I investigated the more I discovered how deeply in debt we were. Every CC bill was maxed out and there were several of them. I hadn’t put my head in the sand. My XW had always taken care of the budget and she did it well. Our bills were always paid on time and our cars were paid off ahead of schedule. I remember us joking about her parents being so bad with their money and it was something that would not happen to us. I worked on the road 330 days a year so I didn’t see her spending the money like she was.

It happened to us and it happened much worse. At the start she said all the right things about helping to drive down the debt. It never happened and I got more resentful as time went on. It finally got so bad she couldn’t take it anymore. Naturally, in her eyes it’s 99 percent my fault.

I try to stay upbeat about it all, but it’s hard when the plans I had for the future were ruined and I have to start over at my age. I’m living the bachelor life like a 20 year old, but I’m considerably older now. My life’s achievements are gone. That’s a bitter bill to swallow sometimes. Divorce should not be this devastating just because you were married for so long.

I never paid attention to my credit score. It was always good. Whenever I needed credit I always got it and the people giving me credit always commented my score was good. After my XW left me I checked my score and it was in the low 600’s. I was upset. I’ve since moved it up into the mid 600’s which is in the “fair” category. I still have a long way to go to get it to where I want but it’s a goal I’m shooting for.

[RDS]

RDS - a quick check with your lawyer might be in order. I know that in consulting with mine that the agreement may have written in that life insurance is required to be able to continue the equivalent of support payments in the case of your untimely demise. I did get the hair eyeball from mine when I mentioned that my beneficiaries were changed to my kids. For my part, I want to make sure that if I do pass that the kids will take proper care of my last wishes and not just toss my ashes into the dumpster

I'm expecting it to be a point of discussion as we go through defining the separation agreement.

My XW L never brought it up (I think she dropped the ball on that) and I wasn't going to put it in the divorce decree. To make it easier on everyone I agreed to have my work's insurance go to her. It costs me less than $10 a month and it protects me because I won't be obligated to keep it if I don't have a job.

[RDS]

I haven't posted here in a long time, but I still visit this site regularly. Since my marriage wasn't saved I felt like I couldn't add much to the conversation, but I still visited and felt empathy to everyone going through the pain of a failing marriage.

It's been two months since my divorce. I was originally supposed to be divorced June 2, but due to legal wrangling it got delayed until July 18. During the June hearing I was knocked a bit off track as I did not know I was getting divorced. I still held out hope my M was going to be saved as so many points seemed to lean towards my M being saved. Obviously her mind was made up long before that. I was now in her "friend zone". I was someone she could call a friend but not someone who she could be "in" love with again.

On June 2 I thought it was a court hearing for permanent spousal support. To say I was in a fog that day would be an understatement. Naturally the July 18 date I knew I would be divorced so I was as prepared as I could be. I did not attend the court hearing as there was no need for me to be there. My L did tell me my XW seemed to be really sad that day.

Fast forward to today. I am dating and I have been blessed with some fun dates. I felt like a teenager again. Having said that, I'm enjoying life with a fantastic woman I've been seeing for about 6 weeks. She is a joy to be around and she really digs me. It's not uncommon to spend HOURS on the phone talking about super serious stuff and super stupid stuff. This romance may grow to something life long or it may eventually fizzle to nothing, but whatever happens it has made me realize you CAN be happy after divorce.

Many people think I'm jumping into the dating world too soon and a few months ago I would agree. But even though I have only been divorced 2 months I was separated from my W for 14 months before our divorce and during that time I never thought of looking at another W. No other W seemed remotely interesting to me.

During my 14 month separation I wanted nothing more than to get back together with my W. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm happier now than I have been in years. I'm finally seeing the "warts" of my XW that I refused to acknowledge (and others could see, including my D). It has made it easier to date other women. For over 34 years I never thought of being with someone else because I took the vows of M seriously and my W really was someone special.

My D and I have agreed to keep my dating secret from my XW. For some strange reason I feel like I'm somewhat abandoning my M even though it was my XW who did all the leg work getting the D done. Maybe it's egotistical of me to think this, but I think my odds of living a life with someone special is much better than hers. That scares me and saddens me at the same time. I hope that makes sense. She is a very caring and giving person but she is also high maintenance.

Anyway, point I'm trying to say is saving your M is the best way to go, but if it can't be saved there is life after a D even if you were with someone for 34+ years.

[RDS]

Oh, one other thing, my anniversary was September 15. I would have been married for 33 years. The woman I'm seeing has the same anniversary as me. She would have been married 27 years. We enjoyed a date on that day.

[SwHubby]

I am happy for you RDS!

[RDS]

It's been a year and a day since I last posted. First off, I have to admit I haven't been has happy with someone as I am now, and that includes my XW in the best of days. My lady and I have been together for 14 months. We aren't legally married, but we did have a spiritual marriage ceremony and we consider ourselves husband and wife. I can spend hours talking about how great the woman I'm with is, but I won't go there. I know at our age we seem to be perfect for each other. We've learned enough about ourselves to know we can't play games and have someone be there for us at the end of the day. We have to be real with one another, and we are.

Anyway, the main reason I decided to swing by is to let everyone know who is hoping to find hope in their marriage, even after divorce, there can be! I say this because my XW and I were very friendly during our separation and most people though we would eventually get back together. Well, we didn't. My XW continued on with the separation (14 months) and completed the divorce. As soon as the divorce went final I made the decision that part of my life was now closed and I really moved on. I had already moved to another state and was prepared to live the bachelor life.

Fast forward a year and a couple of months. My XW called me. This is not an unusual thing because we still talk at least a once a month. She mentions some mundane things about her life and then she opens up. She is incredibly sad and misses me terribly. She wonders if my current GF treats me the way she treated me. I told her she treats me well, but not as well as she did. I lied, because my lady does treat me very well. It's just "different", but I felt there was no reason to go there.

She goes on and said she now knows she made a big mistake but knows it's too late. I sat there on the other end of the line thinking if I had heard those words 15 months ago I would have probably been on the top of the world and would have rushed back to be with her. Now, I felt nothing but sadness for her. I felt no longing or wanting for her. There was definitely no love felt. After I hung up the phone I nodded my head and experienced truly what a turn of events me being a cleared LBS feels like.

There can always be hope for the LBS if the spouse walks away. The ex can come back. For me it was too late for my EX. I had moved on; happily.

[RDS]

Actually, it's been 14 months and a day since I last posted. Time flies when you're having fun.

[slater]

RDS, thanks for stopping by and updating the board, many don't once it's finally done, or maybe once they have reconciled they stop posting (not as likely). I remember your sitch, your subject line as I recall was because things got pretty bad during the court stuff, she ended up using stuff you had said or done while trying to reconcile against you in mediation or in an affidavit perhaps, a betrayal of sorts (even though you were separated)...and then things got better but she never fully came around or opened up...until now. So weird. Did she say what prompted her to finally talk to you about how she was feeling? Also, did you ask why she didn't say anything sooner when it might have made a difference? Had she met anyone after the D? Finally, did you ever do any pursuing after the D but before meeting your new lady?