Maybe She Isn't Evil

[Bdog37]

Hey RDS,

Sorry to hear that your D will be finalized next week. No amount of words will offer much comfort or even help with the panic attacks. D often feels like a death and in many aspects it is.

Are you seeing anyone for the panic attacks or taking any medication for them?

How are the GAL activities going in your new location? Any new co-workers that would be interested in hanging out?

I know dating doesn't sound right just yet, but some day someone will come along and you will know. Hell, it might even be your W. Use this time to heal and focus your energy on yourself so when that day comes, no matter who it is, they will recognize all that you have to offer.

I know it s**** at times, but hang in there. Things will get better.

[Coconut]

1. I won't be in court as I signed the required paperwork for my L to present to the court on my behalf.

2. I get panic attacks when I think about the divorce, the financial burden it entails, the future of single life, and everything else this situation brings me.

3. Moving 600 miles for a new job away from friends and family just before a divorce isn't helping either. I've only been here a month and it feels like an eternity.

4. This [censored].

1. Why won't you be there? Curious why you decided to not be there.

2. I'm curious as to what your GAL activities are... It surprises me to hear this from you. Sad, upset, I get those feelings, but panic attacks? Are you making the most out of your life or dwelling on the past?

3. I moved 600 miles away, I felt exhilaration about the move for the first two months, new places to explore, finally lived in a place out of the city, meeting new people... Where would you LOVE to live? Maybe you need to find a job in that place.

4. Yes, it [censored]... But you have the opportunity to do whatever YOU want, what do you want?

Your post may have just been a day of wallowing in self pity, but if it represents a bigger picture, you need to work on that. You can be happy, you just gotta find and do what it takes to get there.

[RDS]

Hey RDS,

Are you seeing anyone for the panic attacks or taking any medication for them?

No, I'm not seeing anyone or taking any medications. When my W first left me I got prescribed some medication but I didn't like how it made me feel so I stopped taking it. The panic attack come and go. The attacks are associated with my job as well. It's high stress and it's the type of job of "what have you done for me lately" that keeps me on edge.

How are the GAL activities going in your new location? Any new co-workers that would be interested in hanging out?

Ashamed to say, but GAL has taken a back seat the last few months as I was concentrating on my move and getting settled in my new place. I have joined a couple of meetups and I hope to get out in the real world again.

I know dating doesn't sound right just yet, but some day someone will come along and you will know. Hell, it might even be your W. Use this time to heal and focus your energy on yourself so when that day comes, no matter who it is, they will recognize all that you have to offer.

I really want to get in the dating world again. I even joined Match and paid for it, but I cannot pull the trigger yet. I'm not ready for it.

My brother says when I finally do start dating and get that feeling of worth again it will make everything much better. I was 21 years old when I met my W and I still have the stupid feeling if I started seeing someone I would hurt my W. I know it's incredibly stupid to think that way, but it's the truth.

I know it s**** at times, but hang in there. Things will get better.

I know it will. Considering how I was last year compared to now I'm in a much better place. It's still not a good place but better than the last place.

[RDS]

[quote=RDS]
1. Why won't you be there? Curious why you decided to not be there.

I'm a project manager and I have a couple of projects just starting up and the start dates were set long ago and I have to be there. There are too many people to move around to change my schedule. Everything was already been decided anyway and I don't know if I can see my W in a courtroom again. We've been in court twice since she left me and each time my heart broke a little more. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.

2. I'm curious as to what your GAL activities are... It surprises me to hear this from you. Sad, upset, I get those feelings, but panic attacks? Are you making the most out of your life or dwelling on the past?

Very ashamed to say, but I haven't done much GAL lately. Too concerned about the job, my move, and of course my failed M. I've fallen in a rut and I am dwelling in the past. I knew moving here I would be hit with a lot of memories. It's worse than I thought it would be.

3. I moved 600 miles away, I felt exhilaration about the move for the first two months, new places to explore, finally lived in a place out of the city, meeting new people... Where would you LOVE to live? Maybe you need to find a job in that place.

I was excited about moving here, but I also had lots of reservations too. We lived here in the early '90s and we LOVED it here. There was nothing but happy times. We celebrated our 10 year anniversary here. Now, everything reminds me of the good times I pissed away. I'm staying at least a year to see if things improve. The pay is good. I have enough money to live comfortably and pay my W the alimony I've been ordered to pay. In the meantime, I will continue to search for jobs in the Dallas area. My D lives there now and she would love for me to move to be closer to her. Living there really would be a fresh and exciting start.

If I didn't have this noose of alimony hanging around my neck I would start from scratch and move out there and live on my savings until I found something suitable. I'm also not afraid to flip burgers for a living until I get on my feet but the way it's designed I'm not allowed to do that.

4. Yes, it [censored]... But you have the opportunity to do whatever YOU want, what do you want?

Stay married to my W. LMAO. I don't know what I want. Still searching.

Your post may have just been a day of wallowing in self pity, but if it represents a bigger picture, you need to work on that. You can be happy, you just gotta find and do what it takes to get there.

I'm not denying any of that. You spoke true words.

[RDS]

Tomorrow the D will come and go. Still can't believe I will be a divorced man.

Had a phone call about an hour ago with the STBXW and I'm trying to calm down as best I can. It' obvious she is only thinking of herself and even after 14+ months she still places all the blame on me. Whatever.

What started out as an innocent call quickly turned ugly. She wanted to know the life insurance policies and the amounts. I have three life insurance policies. I pay for 2 and I get one through my job. Let's just say if I die now my W would be a wealthy woman.

Anyway, she is asking for this information, and I finally ask what it's for. She says her lawyer is asking for it. I told her as soon as the divorce is done I am removing her as a beneficiary and naming our D the beneficiary. She starts yelling on the phone telling me I promised to keep her on the life insurance. I replied I did say that, but I would only keep her on the policy as long as we were married. After that she is on her own.

She asks in an elevated voice what happens to her if I die? I told her wanting a D is her saying she doesn't need me anymore and she would have to do like everyone else. Why should she benefit from my death? I also asked her what do I get if she dies? I get nothing. She then goes on to say she deserves something for putting up with me for 32 years. I respond why do you expect to get everything and I'm not allowed to get anything in return?

I will continue to pay the insurance, but I don't want to be legally forced to pay for it. My W just doesn't understand I have real concerns about me paying my bills. I have a good job now, but I cannot see what could happen in the future. If I lose my job I am still legally obligated to pay her alimony and half my retirement income. She doesn't want to see my side of the story. For her, I'm just being extremely selfish. I don't want to be liable for yet another bill where she benefits.

At one point how much more can I bleed.

She kept saying, "I'm done. I'm done. You hurt me in our marriage and you still want to hurt me now!" This is from the same woman who put over $90k in credit card debt (which I'm ordered to pay the large majority of), and she wants to know why I'm concerned about money.

She cannot see I'm not trying to hurt her. I want to be as fair as possible and I honestly think I am, but in her mindset every dollar she can't get from me is a dollar I'm using to hurt her.

There was a lot more to it, but I'm still amazed how bitter she is towards our M. She paints herself as this beacon of purity while I was the demon in the house. It's mind boggling.

[RDS]

The divorce is final. After 32 years-10 months and 3 days it's over in minutes by a quick signature. That's 11,994 days. A long time.

I know it's just a piece of paper, but in my mind it means a whole lot more because it is a lot more.

I sometimes wonder if being friendly during the 14 month separation wasn't the worst thing for me as I might be further along with the detachment.

[doodler]

RDS,

I'm sorry.

[Tobias]

Sorry

Proud of you for your comment about the life insurance. The fact you put D as beneficiary should have been enough for her.

Go do something for YOU. Alone or with trusted friends.

It [censored] but if she blames you that is her problem.

[Stormchaser]

Take comfort in knowing any more debt she accumulates is on her. You're out of that nightmare now.

[AnotherStander]

RDS, so sorry about the D! May your life after be full of joy and awesome things though!

I told her as soon as the divorce is done I am removing her as a beneficiary and naming our D the beneficiary. She starts yelling on the phone telling me I promised to keep her on the life insurance.

Wait, what????

She asks in an elevated voice what happens to her if I die?

SERIOUSLY????

She then goes on to say she deserves something for putting up with me for 32 years. I respond why do you expect to get everything and I'm not allowed to get anything in return?

I'm just speechless here, I mean WAW's can be a little out there but this is just a visit to cray-cray town here, LOL! I do like your responses to her!

She kept saying, "I'm done. I'm done. You hurt me in our marriage and you still want to hurt me now!"

I'm sorry, but death BENEFITS are a BENEFIT of being married and sticking by someone's side. Not of ditching them when you get tired or bored.

This is from the same woman who put over $90k in credit card debt (which I'm ordered to pay the large majority of)

My W did the same. I can't remember the exact dollar amount but it was close to that. She quietly accumulated it over a decade while I was saving to pay off our house. When I sprung the news on her one Christmas that our home and cars were paid off and we were completely debt-free, I got a deer-in-the-headlights look. Not at all what I expected. Yeah, little did I know we were nowhere close to debt free. I still think that was a large part of BD, was all the anger and resentment she built up over the debt that she never told me about. I had to pay a large chunk of that in the divorce as well. But I'll tell you, it is really nice to know I am completely independent of her financial follies now, so at least you have that going for you too. As tight as your financial situation may be, at least it is 100% in your control now.