I have been trolling the boards for some time and the information is great. But today I feel the need to tell my story as I don't know how long I can go on with this hurt. We have been together for 22 years and married for 20. We are both 47.
I think my husband is having a MLC but he won't get any help with it. He is just working and sleeping and trying to figure out why he is not in love with me anymore or why he is not attracted to me anymore. He is textbook MLC except he isn't going out to buy a new car.
One month ago I was blindsided - he lied about an emotional relationship with his co-worker. I caught him in the lie and kicked him out. At the time I was so hurt and I couldn't possibly live in this house with him and the kids and pretend that everything was okay. He has been gone a month and is in no hurry to come back or even try to repair what we had.
Now I am having second thoughts. I feel like I ruined our chances of ever getting back what we had. I have huge anger issues and he is uncomfortable around me because of what he has done and what he is thinking about me - so it's obviously not good stuff.
I just don't know how to deal with this anymore. I cry every day almost all day. I know that I am supposed to work on me and feel better about myself and go about my life but I am just not sure how to do that. I miss my soulmate, my best friend, someone to talk to, someone to love.
We decided that it was better to not talk anymore because I get too hurt as I feel like he is leading me on but we have two kids 13 and 17 and obviously we need to talk about them sometimes.
I am so angry that he left me in the house with the kids and all the responsibility. I also run my own business so I have that to contend with on a daily basis. Sometimes I wish that I could just take off and have a mental holiday because that's what I feel like he is doing.
I don't understand how I can go from being his beautiful wife and honey this and honey that to now NOTHING. He has no answers for me.
It feels like such a lonely existence, nobody to hug me and tell me it's going to be okay. I hate feeling sorry for myself and I am never like this and that is why I can't stand it.
I know there will be life after this, but I just feel like he is doing such a disservice to himself and us because he won't get any counseling or help to try to figure this out. How can you sleep every night knowing that you didn't do everything you could do to save your relationship and your family?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
My situation is a bit of this and a bit of that, so it's not a true fit with any category, but MLC is one of the pieces, although in my case it was my H's second MLC.
Honestly, I wish I had sought counseling for myself much sooner.
You mentioned anger issues. Those would be good to work on. You also mentioned wanting someone to tell you it's going to be OK. I found that learning about the importance of self-validating and working on doing that has been a huge confidence boost, and it has also made me much less needy.
Hang in there. It will get better.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Thank you. I do have Divorce Remedy and will get Divorce Busting. Yes, I started counseling on Monday. I have a terrible issue with reaction - so we are going to work on that Currently I am going dark and working on myself. It is clear that I have to stop communication with him so that he doesn't think that I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself and waiting for him to come back. He truly is having a terrible time. He is so confused and crying for help but he refuses to get the help that he needs. It is awful sitting here knowing that if he got the help it would also help our situation Thank you so much for the replies!! It sure is helpful to stay strong.
I am sorry you are here. Honestly. You can't worry about him getting the help that he needs. The more you try, the more he will resist. This is his decision and your right All you can do is focus on yourself.
Your marriage will never have a chance at success unless both partners want it to. You can do everything right, but if he is incapable of it or if his views regarding marriage and family are not similar, then there is no chance at success. Unfortunatly you cannot convince him of anything. I'm sure you have heard the saying, it takes two people to marry, but only 1 person to divorce.
It is good that he is confused. That shows that he is still attached.
A lot of board members talk about no contact. Sometimes (in my case certainky) this can be used by LBS as way to punish. DB coaches seem to stress rebuilding friendship at the same time as avoiding pursuing behaviors. I was never advised to avoid communication and interaction. But to listen and validate and to take advantage for opportunitities for friendship.
I was not able to be friendly torwards my husband because I was too angry.
I think that basically the WAS is at a point where they are looking for anything to justify them leaving and taking on what they believe to be an easier and better life. Your anger and reactions and actions just give them ammunition.
Thank you, JujuB. I am going dark just for pursuing behaviors. I have behaved badly in the last month since this happened. We decided together to take a break from talking so he doesn't look at it as punishment. I have to stop pursuing. His last email to me showed that he was in much pain and sadness. So if he does text, email or call, I will definitely take the advice of this site and answer in kind but not pursue It is so hard though to not talk to your partner and best friend of 22 years after you have had that opportunity on a daily basis. Just have to keep busy and focus on myself, as hard as that is
Newbie here again. I am going crazy giving my spouse time and space to decide what "he" wants out of life. We decided on Monday that we would give him time and space. Since that time he has texted me every day for some silly reason to do with our kids, 13 and 17. I have replied in kind but didn't press for more conversation. I am trying to get a life and am working very hard at it, but the problem is is that when you have spent so much time with your spouse and you always had them to talk to, it is very difficult to just go cold turkey and not talk anymore. Just needed to write it down. Thanks.
I am thinking about buying the last resort technique but I was curious if anyone has had any success with it and if you have the program, do you find that there is more helpful information than just reading the basics of this program online? Should I try this technique if my H is having an MCL and wants nothing to do with me? Any suggestions?
Currently I am going dark and working on myself. It is clear that I have to stop communication with him so that he doesn't think that I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself and waiting for him to come back. He truly is having a terrible time. He is so confused and crying for help but he refuses to get the help that he needs. It is awful sitting here knowing that if he got the help it would also help our situation 
Thank you so much for the replies!! It sure is helpful to stay strong.