Try Not to Think Too Far Ahead

[bttrfly]

Hi K,
Yes, it is a business being dissolved. Keeping that upfront makes it easier. You can deal with the emotional piece after the negotiations are over.

I'm not sure about what is right or best or not regarding invitations to dinner. It's a different ballgame entirely IMHO when kids are involved. You have to think about co or parallel parenting for years to come, not to mention wanting the kids to have good memories of parents being at the same events, so it's hard. I think spending some time in an introspective way to determine what feels best to you - what's most in alignment with who you are and who you want to be is the best way to go, as everything else will fall into place from there.

I'm sorry you caught that dreadful flu. Took me three weeks to stop coughing and longer to feel like I had any energy.

Combo echinacea and goldenseal is helpful! Tastes dreadful, so get the non-alcoholic tincture at Whole Foods if you can, but a few drops in water works wonders!

Hang in there my friend xoxoxoxo

[Kyh]

Hi Sotto and Bttrfly, thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your comments.

I definitely have some thinking to do about contact. As of right now I am usually okay with it and I'm trying to be consistantly kind to her. But I have to ask myself for how long? For now I will just keep taking things day to day and see what happens.

I asked w about dinner because if it were my off week I'd appreciate not missing one of the kid's bdays. It is her choice but it wouldn't be my choice if it happened to fall on my off week. Ultimately it is about the kids though, right now it just felt like the right thing to do.

W came over tonight to watch D so I could take S out to get something for her from him. She looked bad, like she had been crying. Maybe it's rough on her too. I didn't ask her anything about it, just how her mom was and then a little small talk from her. She kept saying how she had to go do laundry before MLC friend got tired because she goes to bed early and gets upset about being up late. She's made a few comments like this. I kinda get the feeling their friendship has changed a little.

I will have to look into the goldenseal, that one is new to me. I used to collect echinacea when I would go out hiking but will have to pick some up. Thanks for the tip!

[Bee29]

Hi Kyh,

Just stopped by to check on you. I'm sorry to read about all this! I'm also sick and can't seem to get out of it, so not much time and energy to get on the Internet in the evening...

Looks like we will go through this together! My h told me a few days ago that he filed. I must say I was relieved... I'll post more on my thread not to hijack yours but just wanted to let you know that I'm with you on this!

Regarding contact and dinner. For myself, I know that I want very limited contact with h. It's sad, as I am in touch and regular contact with my ex fiancé (that I never married) but I don't think I can and want to be with my h. He just went too far. I know that mostly it was the MLC talking (and acting) but still. And what he did/does to the kids I can just never forgive him. But one thing I know I will always keep, as long as everyone wants to continue with it, is the birthday dinners of the kids. I will always invite him to join.

Don't try to analyse much what is wrong with her, did she cry and why. You have a lot on your plate and you really need to start thinking about yourself. It's already taking toll on your health. You don't deserve it.

I hope everything will go smoothly for you and I'm happy that you are able to take more time for yourself - sports, books - whatever can take your mind off all this.

Stay strong! Once all this is over we will celebrate together :-).

I know it's tough when the family is breaking. I won't pretend it's all that easy for me. But I came to realise that sometimes it's not up to us and then we just need to let go and move on. And I do hope that we will see some positives down the road.

[Kyh]

Hi Bee, thank you for stopping by and checking in. I had been wondering about you since its been awhile since you posted. Post all you want, no worries about hijacking. Update us on yourself when you have time.

Sorry you've been sick too. It seems to be a bad year and our stress certainly doesn't help. Also sorry we will be going through D together but it's nice to be in company of people who know what you're going though. I'm so grateful for this board, I can't imagine going through all this alone with no support.

I've been coming to realize I also want less contact w/W. Being pals is just part of her MLC fantasy and she's not even being a good friend and it's hurting me. On the other hand I have to do everything I can for my kids through this so I will do what I can. I guess it will take some time to find a balance.

W was not good company the night of D's bday, not that I had expectations but she wasn't nice and tried to pull strings and have a ppm attitude. I kept my focus on the kids and had little contact w/her. Overall I think D had a good night. We're having a party for her friends Sunday and my parents are coming to visit Saturday. I'm sure she will be better Sunday since there will be other parents around. That facade must be exhausting.

You're right I do need to start thinking more about myself. Its taking me a long time to let go and realize the W I knew and love is gone.

It's been a little rough again this week. Lots of feelings cycling but they fade almost as quick as they come. S has been stemming really bad and D has been really emotional all week. S has also been sleeping w/me. Idk what's going on but I'm trying to be extra patient. I can't imagine how hard this is on them.

Buttrfly, I picked up some echinacea/goldenseal a few days ago and I think it's helping. I've still been really tired but not in the same weak feeling way as after being sick. Thanks again for the recommendation.

[bttrfly]

eleuthero is a good energizer but don't take it after 5pm.
also: if you feel depleted, you may want to get some nettles and holy basil (aka tulsi)
a great tea is dried nettles, holy basil and a dash of licorice root. You can buy it at mountain rose herbs or other reputable shops. maybe a tbsp or two of nettles a little less tulsi and a small - very small amount, about 1/4-1/2 a tsp of licorice root to a quart or a bit more of water. Bring to a boil then simmer for 20 minutes then let cool and strain.

Very nutritive and delicious, plus the holy basil is a shen tonic which helps with the emotional turmoil we are all going thru. xoxoxoxo

[Kyh]

Thank you again for the recommedations! I will check them out I need to reduce my caffeine intake. I've started taking chlorophyll again hopefully that will help too.

D had her bday party w/friends today. She had a really good time and it went well. W looked awful when we got there. We talked a little and she went back to city where step inlaws are again this week (it's almost a 4 hour drive) and went out with/coworkers for someone's 21st the night before. I can't believe how she is running, no wonder she looks exhausted. At least I can step back now and see she's still cycling. I thought a lot about the list bttrfly posted just recently and could see so much of it going on with her.

W was proud of setting up d's party, decorating, cake, etc. I offered to help several times over the last couple weeks and today but she didn't want much, just asked me to pay half. I thanked her for everything and told her she gave d a great party which she seemed grateful for. I helped a couple of the kids roller skate and did catch her looking at me once while talking to another parent who's s I was helping. D wanted to stay w/her mom tonight. W told me she wasn't ready so we had dinner and a movie and then I took her over. W was already asleep.

My parents and grandparents made a trip to come see d yesterday so it was a bday weekend. We also got in a bike ride and basketball yesterday afternoon and ice skating last night so I kept myself and the kids busy this weekend.

I found out the decree was ready Friday afternoon so I will have to go in this week to sign. I had to negotiate a little more once I noticed the child support payments were dated starting a year prior but it's worked out now. I will be fair but I remembered about treating it like a business deal and as such there were things I let go like w's charges on my cc when I know she went to see om, her not paying half of medical bills as stipulated while keeping the supplemental insurance because she bought the policy, and not giving me half of other things we agreed on so I wasn't going to pay for the year of her running around and dragging the kids off.

I wanted to ask her if it was really what she wanted before going in to sign but I think she answered that by signing. I think rationally it makes sense so I want to ask but since it's MLC talking it would be counterproductive and I need to focus on myself and be thankful things went how they have for me.

[Gordie]

I wanted to ask her if it was really what she wanted

I have this temptation whenever we discuss or take any steps toward D...I think it's the denial/disbelief in me talking...though I never actually ask as the realist in me takes over before uttering anything...

[Kyh]

Yes, sometimes I'm still in disbelief and when I think I want to ask I know better. I'm supposed to sign papers this week and I've been thinking about this a lot as its bringing out lots of feelings. The more I've been thinking I realized even if she said she didn't want to go through with D it wouldn't work. She's still lost and running and hasn't worked on herself.

[SBJ]

Kyh...thanks for stopping by my thread and commenting. It is tough for sure and I understand your sadness and frustration. Mine is hell bent on pushing the D thru, so I guess I will be following you shortly.

I guess what I am realizing is that some of them, the MLC'ers, feel that they have to complete the D to continue on this journey that "THEY" are on. Whether it is to date others, continue in relationships with the OM that they deny, soul search by themselves, or a combination of things, we simply won't understand their mindset totally.

[bttrfly]

I'm so sorry Kyh that it has come to this. I'm glad you insisted on things that were important to you. That's crucial. It's so hard to realize that your partner is not on your team any more. I'm happy if something I've posted has helped you. Hang in there, my friend. xoxoxo {{{{{hugs}}}}}