Mombear: Husband moving out thread #2

[Mombear]

Previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2697783#Post2697783

Feeling a bit better today. I'm focusing on the fact that he's back in the bedroom, that we are laughing and enjoying each other's company. Last night, he said he thinks he'll probably join me in marriage counseling next week. Fingers crossed.

On the down side, he has his private therapy session this evening. Sometimes that helps him, sometimes not - I know he has lied to that therapist in the past about his depression, and he's twisted some of the advice he's gotten re: "being authentic to himself" to mean "be a selfish jerk who abandons your wife and children and hurts everyone in your life."

But . . . focusing on the POSITIVE today.

[ForGump]

I'm glad to hear he's doing both types of therapy. That's heck of a lot more than what many of us here have.

He knows he's being a jerk. Which is why he's tormented at times. I think it's a long road for him to grapple with what he wants, what kind of a man he wants to become....

[Mombear]

Tonight, unprompted, he said he's going to come up with ideas for a date on Friday or Saturday. I feel so jerked around!! I'm keeping it all inside, though... Just pleasant, steady and friendly on the outside.

But is this really what piecing looks like? These crazy ups and downs?

[Cadet]

But is this really what piecing looks like? These crazy ups and downs?

Why do you think you are piecing?
It sounds more like you are at the start of all this and their is still lots of confusion.
That is a more likely script.
Sorry for a dose of reality.

[Rose888]

I think piecing only happens when there is a commitment to stay and try to work on things.

Your H sounds like he is still confused and therefore is acting inconsistently.

That said, your H may or may not ever come right out and say that he is committed to staying.

I would try not to worry about what stage you are in. Keep focusing on you, and the important 180s and GAL, and enjoy time with him when it happens but don't worry or be unhappy if it doesn't.

[Mombear]

Tonight I will find out if he's going to return to therapy with me. Not sure how to handle the conversation, but I need to make it clear that the status quo is not ok. I'm not ok with him indefinitely staying with us, paying $2K of our joint money on rent for a place that is sitting empty, while we just tread water. If we are working on our marriage, at least that is something. If we aren't, then what are we doing? I'm not ok with us spending down our savings while he is indecisive.

How harsh would it be for me to pull 50% of our savings out into a separate account now? I think any money he is spending on a lease HE SIGNED should come out of his half of the money, should things get to that point.

[ForGump]

Mombear--

All the legal advice I've heard (second hand) here in the forum is to NOT to make any changes to your finances. Keep everything status quo. Legally everything belongs to both of you, so moving money around has no real effect and only makes you look bad.

Re: marriage counseling. Sorry to repeat, but I really think you should emphasize HIM getting himself to a healthy place. You can do all the marriage counseling you want but if one partner is not well, I think it's not only a waste of time and money but could actually backfire. All the pressure to get the marriage right can jeopardize that one person's mental health.

Easy to give advice, I know... At least this is the same thing I'm telling myself. My W has to be in a good place for herself, for her to even be able to think reasonably about our marriage.

[Rose888]

It sounds like your primary desire is to get out of limbo, not save your marriage. Is that correct?

If your primary desire is to save your marriage, then I wouldn't worry about the money. Paying rent but having him in the home seems better than paying rent but having him out of the home.

[Mombear]

Rose888, you are very thoughtful. That is a good question. I'm an impatient person by nature, and uncertainty is very hard for me. I keep getting wrapped around the idea that I'm not the kind of person who would normally put up with this - like I wouldn't marry someone who didn't want to be with me. If a friend told me her husband rented a separate apartment, I'd tell her to kick him to the curb.

Of course I want my marriage to work. But at what point do I become a doormat and lose myself in an effort to hold on to it? I get I'm being way too impatient at this point in the game. But how long do I let things go before I deserve answers?

[ForGump]

What would "kick him out to the curb" mean for you, practically speaking? You would tell him to leave? What if he doesn't? File for D?

You've been at this for at least 10 months (since you suspected EA 11/15). That's a long time, and only you can decide how much is enough.

But I also believe that figuring out what it is that YOU want and sticking to it, isn't necessarily mutually exclusive with continuing to fight for your marriage. You can decide independently, based on your own values and principles, what is best, and work on that. That might mean you kick your H out to the curb. That might mean you "let him" stay.

Not to say that it's easy once you've decided. I keep fighting to do what I think is right, and to feel good about it, but I have to renew the fight every day, some times every hour, and it doesn't always feel good. But so far I feel like I could stand proud in front of my kids, and some day I hope they'll know I did all I could to do what's right.