I am sorry to hear the emotional pain that you are in. The future is up to you and what becomes of you is whatever you choose it to be.
Swing by BluWaves thread. I believe you could benefit from the conversation we are having as it relates to emotions and feelings. There is much that with knowledge that one can do to control the emotional duress....
I can honestly say I know the pain you feel based on my own firsthand experiences. I can also honestly say that with time it can get better..... But that will be up to you and how much work you decide to put into it. If I can do it brother..... Then I know you can as well.....
You know how it is, one step forward, three steps back - or three steps forward, one step back. I think this is the worst of it - the moving out and kids switching schools, the bank accounts being split, selling the house. I mean, that's the divorce right there. When we finalize the divorce I'll just sign a piece of paper, but the damage is being done right now. Hopefully this is the worst of it.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I suggest you take your focus of of your W and focus on you. No one here, nor you can say whether she will want to reconcile or not. But this is the point to staying focused on you. Simply,(not easily) become the man only a fool would leave. This is a win win way for you.
It is time for you to move forward with you and maybe discontinuing with so much debate..... I have read much in your story that shows you know the way forward.... Stopping along the way to debate frequently simply slows down the process for you and does not really clarify what can not be clarified.... You know that debating the future or what someone else feels really is a cheeseless tunnel. We both know that nobody except your w knows what your w is feeling or will do. Heck she does not even know...... So why waste any thought or debate on the matter? Identifying what you can do to heal and become a better you and taking action is where you will gain control.
You can do this......
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I suggest you take your focus of of your W and focus on you. No one here, nor you can say whether she will want to reconcile or not. But this is the point to staying focused on you.
I've been trying. I've been going to therapy, working on my business, going to support groups, journaling, meditation, reaching out to friends, taking care of my kids etc. It's just this whole moving back home and kids moving out thing ... man, it's just been a doozy.
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You know that debating the future or what someone else feels really is a cheeseless tunnel. We both know that nobody except your w knows what your w is feeling or will do. Heck she does not even know......
Cld is a good guy, and he seems so certain! I really want to know why he says these things about my wife. Maybe if I had his confidence throughout this divorce situation it would help me cope.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I guess people's natural reactions to things posted on this board are to offer advice. I guess I definitely ask for advice from time to time, but a lot of what I write is just journaling, just to get my feelings down and to really 'feel them' (isn't that the advice on this board? to really give yourself time to grieve?).
I know there's not much that can be said to me at this point other than 'just look towards the future'. I get that.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Your confidence may be shaken, and who knows if having what we perceive another's confidence would help or not....... I have spent my whole life looking at others and wishing I had what they had or that I was like they are. When I arrived on this board, I wanted to find someone that had the exact same sitch as mine so I could know what to do..... Well, I still have not found my exact situation, but I have found many that I would never beleive that I could survive, and others that make me shake my head because of the craziness of the sitch
But then I recalled an analogy that I heard somewhere and it was comparing our life's journey to the game of poker. We can't control the hand that we are dealt..... But we do control how we play the cards in our hand...... I understand it that the winner in poker does not have the winning hand most of the time. Life is like that. We so often look at successful people and say they just had a better hand dealt to them than us...... Turns out there is not much truth to that thought.
Another small lesson I learned was from a movie I watched a while back. Bridge of Spies. A Russian was picked up and accused of spying in the US. He was going to be put to death for this. A sham trial was set up and an unsuspecting man was charged with being his lawyer and told to let the court find him guilty. While the lawyer was talking to the accused, he noticed he was so calm. He would get upset and then ask him, are you not worried? The reply is what comes to my mind when I reach points of worry, fear or depressive states. The reply was always, "Should I be? Would it help?" Now in that I have found more wisdom and calm than in all of my attempts to calm my worry and anxiety over my lifetime.
Keep this in mind as you continue to progress. When you start to feel down, anxious, worried or any other negative feeling, stop and ask yourself, Should I be........ Does it help?
Continue to journal... There is value in it.... IMHO, though be very aware of the manner that you do it..... They say that writing something down has a very large impact on the brain and etchings of belief. This is why we are challenged to write down our goals and dreams. Power comes from actually writing something down. There have been studies of this.... When journaling, I like to ensure that I include positive statements with the journaling of what troubles me. I also try to include actions and reframe words to make my point for myself, but use positive influenced wording. I also try to be specific in questions if I need advice, but I accept the advice without debate and sort it out on my own. This minimizes the hot back and forth I see so often...... But this is my way and simply food for thought as I am working to better understand that there are different and valuable perspectives......
I invite you to join us in BluWaves thread for some healthy discussion and points of view about emotions and feelings. It really is good stuff. Also have you checked out the guy winch ted talk on emotional first aid?
One day at a time... One step at a time...
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Thank you for the kind words qt4x11. I am just trying to turn a lemon into a lemonade :-)
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
But I think the idea of the divorce for her - was that she would be free to love other people without feeling trapped.
How do you know that she wants to be free to love other people without being trapped? Do you have any evidence of her actively looking for other men? I don't know your wife, but the mother of my kids clearly told our kids that she doesn't want another man and that she loves me after I told the kids that I didn't want another woman and that I will always love mommy.
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How can you say this with such certainty?
Because a little bit of love stays forever and since she loves your kids who are 50% of your genes, she automatically loves you as well.
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I've also looked into 'MGTOW'. A lot of what it says about divorce for men seems absolutely true to me. I never would have given that type of philosophy much thought before I went through D - but it all makes sense now.
I am glad you did, MGTOW exposes the feminist movement gaining ground here in the US and destroying families. It shows how more and more beta males are being raised by single moms every year, and how the same beta males are ruining alpha males and contributing to the destruction of families. The time has come for alpha males to stand up to the feminist movement in order to return to a situation where both males and females understand the importance of each other.
I know that you are hurting and your confidence has been shaken to the very core, but you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue to move forward. Life doesn't stand still for any of us and yes, it's too short to stay stuck in a rut of should haves, could haves, etc.
Right now, it feels like the end of the world to you, but it will get better in time. You have to grieve the loss of the relationship/marriage and you have to feel those feelings and then let them go. Those feelings won't go away today, tomorrow or even 6 months from now because it takes time and something or someone will remind you of the the loss when you least expect it...but as time passes, the pain will lessen.
Sh_ has given you some excellent advice and I would print those postings off and re-read them periodically. We only have control over ourselves and what we do w/our lives, etc. WE have no control over anyone else and that's why you need to let her go. She needs to grow up and she can't do it as long as she is focusing on you and fighting for the marriage.
Many times, after a divorce, the person who walked away will eventually settle down and become civil again. The first 6 months is a euphoric stage for them because they now are free of accountability, responsibility and the chains of the relationship...but once that feeling falls flat, they come to realize that life is still the same as it was when they were married, i.e. bills to pay, jobs to work, etc. Eventually, they come to realize that we weren't the issue that caused them their pain...but again, this takes time.
There is always a 50/50 chance that things could turn around. There are various scenarios that could play out in any situation that is on any of the forums and they are: 1) the spouses opts to try to reconcile w/the LBS, but the LBS has moved on and doesn't want any part of a reconciliation; 2) the spouse decides that it's too much work to try to reconcile and decides not to attempt a reconciliation; or 3) both parties decide to give it another chance and they reconcile, i.e., some are happy as clams and others realize after a period of reconciliation that they have changed to the point that the reconciliation isn't going to work. But, no one can predict what the future will hold for any of us here.
qt, keep the focus on you, it's going to be one step forward, two steps back for quite a while. I am going to suggest that you make a list of things that you would like to do such as hobbies or things that you've put aside for a long time because of being married. This list will help you start planning your GAL activities.
We are here to listen, offer advice and guide you along the path. No one can predict the outcome of your situation. Bottom line, you and only you can control your life and how you want to move forward and be the best that you can be.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I need some help on my thread. I have been attacked by several people and I don't really understand their motives. I wish I could delete their comments like I do on Facebook but I have no control over my thread. They are being very negative and they are trying to portray me as a crazy guy....lol....maybe they are just jealous, no idea. I don't want to argue with them and I don't even read most of their comments. Here it is. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2703706&page=8
Cld is beyond help. WAAAYY beyond which is why vets are staying the h@ll away from his thread. It's laughable that he claims that we are "attacking" him when we actually are calling him out on multiple inconsistencies and misinformation that he puts out in his own thread (and elsewhere in the DB forums). He's a master at projection and deflection.
As for being negative, you only need to go back to his earlier threads and decide for yourself who is being really "negative."
Cld's more interested in himself. Nothing more, nothing less. It is ALLLLLL about him. Cld sees his XW as an appendage to prop up his fragile sense of ego. Which is sad. XW is a mere chattel to toy around with...and she's smart to stay away from him.
Cld is beyond help. WAAAYY beyond which is why vets are staying the h@ll away from his thread. It's laughable that he claims that we are "attacking" him when we actually are calling him out on multiple inconsistencies and misinformation that he puts out in his own thread (and elsewhere in the DB forums). He's a master at projection and deflection.
As for being negative, you only need to go back to his earlier threads and decide for yourself who is being really "negative."
Cld's more interested in himself. Nothing more, nothing less. It is ALLLLLL about him. Cld sees his XW as an appendage to prop up his fragile sense of ego. Which is sad. XW is a mere chattel to toy around with...and she's smart to stay away from him.
I wouldn't bother with this schmuck at all.
He is a person who's gone through a very traumatic experience. His heart is broken and he sees this board as a way back to his wife. Just leave him alone, he has enough negativity in his life.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I really want to know why he says these things about my wife. Maybe if I had his confidence throughout this divorce situation it would help me cope.