Sandy, as I read through the different threads I haven't seen a lot that deals with someone that might be in my wife's position, having to face family and friends, to be honest most don't think very highly of her at the moment ( I haven't told her that though 😬) 1 of my brothers said that he would crash tackle me if I took her back!!! I know there are many other issues, just think that is a big one for her.
I remember reading some stories years ago about similar situations resulting from exposure of the WW's affair. One of our favorite LBH's (who supported exposure) said if he had to do it over, he would be more selective in who he told about the A. If I remember correctly, he said it had caused tension between his W and his family. It is understandable for family to have ill feelings toward the wayward spouse.
Here's the thing, Tony, you can't go back and undo what's been done. Right or wrong, it is done! As a former WW who was involved in an A, I can see how she may feel judged and an outcast, and hesitant about any contact with them. Although it was due to her own actions, she feels a betrayal by you. That may sound very ironic to LBH's who have a W that cheated. But your W feels what she feels, whether she's responsible for the fallout or not.
She told you that you should have protected her with the situation in the first church. I think she saw your persistence, or strong encouragement, for her participation and whatever experience she may have had.....as being unprotected or leaving her vulnerable. Generally, in traditional marriages, I believe women see their man being the protector. So, that may be where that's coming from.....or she may be just blaming you for whatever caused her unhappiness.
So, now she either genuinely feels that she cannot have a relationship with her in-laws, or she using it as an excuse for not trying to reconcile the MR. However, I'll have to say that your brother's attitude doesn't help matters. I can understand it, b/c I have had divorce family members all around me.....and it is difficult sometimes not to express your personal opinions about the offender.
About all you can do about that situation is to speak privately to your brother.....and any other family members who still feel strongly against you and W getting back together.....and ask them to respect you by withholding their personal opinions about your W. At the same time, you have to realize that if you share with them about her, exposing her, so to speak....it is going to affect how they feel.....and there will be fallout. So I suggest you not share information that isn't necessary. Know what I mean?
I rather doubt that your family's relationship with your W is going to improve a lot, as long as she is not willing to reconcile the MR. It takes time, a lot of effort, and a show of good will, to mend relationships between family and in-laws.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Your right, what's done is done, I'll just leave the family and friends issue for now.
Lesson learned as far as being careful with who i speak to.
I don't know how sincere my motive was in discussing my sitch to EVERYONE who would pass my way, I now know it was mostly a NICE GUY tactic to make myself feel better.
Got a phone call from my S15 school, teacher wanted to let me know that he hasn't been doing too well, uninterested in learning, clashing with some students and showing no remorse when confronted. The school is aware of what's happening in our family, the school counsellor has tried to speak with my son but he doesn't want to discuss anything. He said he will speak with his teachers so that they get a better understanding of where he is at and how they can best encourage him.
I haven't been contacting my wife but needed to let her know what happened, her first reaction was anger that the school don't call her, told her that she could call the school and let them know how she feels about it.
She began to explain that it's normal teenage behaviour then says "I know what your thinking, that this is due to the separation but it has nothing to do with it" yeah right! My son goes from being a great student where teachers would often say they love that he is in their class to this, exactly at the time she wants out of the marriage. Good thing I'm not expecting any rationale, might go crazy otherwise!
That was yesterday and my wife just came over to pick up my son for her fortnight, she doesn't normally come in but I normally say hello at the front door as I kiss and hug my son goodbye. I don't know why but I didn't want to go downstairs and see her today, trying to work out why I felt that way.... Is it fear? just so uncomfortable. If it is fear it can't be right.
If my wife has given me a gift, intended or not, it would be how all my weaknesses and faults have come floating to the surface, when I first started to see them I freaked out! Guilt, grief then going on the attack to defend then deflect.
What a journey! Anyway, I'm still working the iron- I think I've only done 1 sleeve.
Pretty much keeping up the nc for past month, the few times we've spoken have been in regards to our S15- he has been in some trouble at school, during one of those conversations she wanted to talk about S19 and how he still won't speak to her, she went on to say that " I can't give him what he wants" (mum and dad back together) only other point of conversation was on Father's Day 2 weeks ago in which she text that she hopes I have a nice day, the only response I could muster up was a simple "thank you"
That can't give him what he wants comment has made me feel a little anxious this past week, way back I had said to my wife that I will be totally letting go and moving on if she were to settle finances/property- right or wrong, idk, anyway, she started the preceding by engaging a L to which I had 14 days to respond to her demands, I waited 13 days in the hope that she would rethink things, my L then responds to her demnds, that was months ago, my L recently contacted me to ask if I knew what was happening as he hadn't heard from her L, all I could say was that she might be slowing down due to what I had previously said about letting go. So I have been using the time to gal, work on myself and give her space she may need. However, and this could be a case of overthinking, I'm wondering if she is buying time, she is locked into a rental lease so property settlement is not urgent, the Sydney property market ( in my area at least) has had 15-25% annual growth for years, I just don't know if she is game playing by not settling. What complicates this issue is that my brother has offered to pay my wife out, his objective was that the boys and I are not uprooted in an already tough situation, so it's really not my money to give away. whilst I'm happy to be patient in this, I'm afraid her motives are not good, unfortunately the way she's been I wouldn't put it past her.
So I've been thinking to have a "what's going on" conversation and even simply telling her it's time to move on.
Been a little depressed lately and don't know how clearly I'm thinking
for a few weeks I've been feeling to call my wife so that we can line up a time to talk, I don't know what she may be thinking of my nc, don't know if she is waiting for me to call, the limbo has been tough but working hard to disconnect, just not sure what needs to be next move or what should be said if we do meet.
I did read DR, what I'm finding most frustrating right now is that my mind has been so cloudy that I forget much of the great advice I receive and go back into a confused default mode
Focusing all of your time, effort and energy into being the best dad and Tony68 doesn't include reaching out to your wife for a status report.
What do you hope to gain by having a "what's going on" conversation? You said that your brother will buy her out of the house so no sense of urgency regarding the marital home, right?
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