It is time for you to start focusing on you and your sons. What can you do differently to get things moving into a more positive direction?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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Not much to report as far as my W goes, she did move apartments this past week, I've been keeping communication to a minimum. Younger son is back with me for his fortnight and been good to have him back.
Continuing to learn and be encouraged from this amazing community. Some huge breakthroughs this past week. Firstly the power of detachment is a life changing concept- used first with my wife and now has overflowed to other areas of my life. For example, I've found that by detaching from my boys ( talking about an unhealthy attachment that produces fear based parenting) my relationship with both of them has been much better.
I've read ... this past week, really helped me to understand how, through fear, I was trying to CONTROL my environment, my wife tried to tell me I was controlling and I couldn't see how! Feeling so free at the moment because of detaching from people, things and some emotions.
Much of our grief as LBS's is fear based.. Besides concern for our children and how they will fare from all the pain they endure, the rest we can rise above, and even with our children, if we are strong we can lead them through it. I know my kids are looking to me to be strong...so at least for their sake, strong I'll be!
Last edited by Cristy; 08/30/1608:37 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
To add another thought, the pain and upheaval that I've suffered has made me a better man, I would rather have learned the things I've learned a different way but.... Anyway, would I trade who I am now to go back?? I don't think so, who knows, maybe if we are reconciled and both healthy I can have my cake and eat it too!
Would anybody have any thoughts on this; my wife has expressed a couple of times, once in tears " why did you have to tell your family that we are having problems" I actually didn't say anything for over 2 months and even then it was because my sister phoned and asked me if everything was OK as my wife hadn't been to any family functions in months ( I kept saying she wasn't feeling well)
My wife has always been overly concerned with what others think of her, and know that she hasn't spoken to my family and our friends for 2 years I can't help but to feel this is one of the biggest issues we have in a possible reconciliation. I have told her that we 4 are the most important thing to focus on but think it all looks to hard for her, the thought of facing everyone.
I do think she feels that she has dug a pit that she can't get out of, but would like too. I can accept the fact if I'm dealing with a wife who just purely doesn't want to be with me but would find it sad that the marriage goes by the wayside because of fear of what others think. I do understand it would be tough on her.
I know there are other issues going on here, this is just one Any thoughts?
I just read through your story and it would appear that you have learned a lot of late about what you should be doing. You expressed your understanding and successful efforts with healthy detachment and indeed it is something that if done correctly, it will carry over to other relationships in our life. It is certainly an action and not a destination. Also you express a good thought about fear and how that actually can lead us to be controlling.
Originally Posted By: Tony68
Would anybody have any thoughts on this; my wife has expressed a couple of times, once in tears " why did you have to tell your family that we are having problems" I actually didn't say anything for over 2 months and even then it was because my sister phoned and asked me if everything was OK as my wife hadn't been to any family functions in months ( I kept saying she wasn't feeling well)
My wife has always been overly concerned with what others think of her, and know that she hasn't spoken to my family and our friends for 2 years I can't help but to feel this is one of the biggest issues we have in a possible reconciliation. I have told her that we 4 are the most important thing to focus on but think it all looks to hard for her, the thought of facing everyone.
I do think she feels that she has dug a pit that she can't get out of, but would like too. I can accept the fact if I'm dealing with a wife who just purely doesn't want to be with me but would find it sad that the marriage goes by the wayside because of fear of what others think. I do understand it would be tough on her.
I know there are other issues going on here, this is just one Any thoughts?
My thoughts on this are in line with what Christy shared with you. It is time to put your focus on you and those kids of yours. Your W has some issues that she will need to first identify and admit to so that she can seek out the help that she needs. One of the big keys to our efforts with healthy detachment, is truly understanding that there is nothing......nothing that you can do or say to help this process out. This is for her to do and unless she were to approach you and ask for support after she has started down the road herself, you must stay in your lane here.
It is natural to have the thoughts and concerns that you ask about, but you can not do anything about them without pushing her further away.
Now as I read your story about the affair early on in the marriage, you share some of what you went through and how you pushed forward to heal. What did she do to heal and move forward? Is it possible that her issue with worry of what others think is rooted in what she did? In my short reading up on infidelity, there is often times guilt and shame that goes un resolved. This may or may not be her issue, but again, I would say stay in your lane as she must resolve this on her own. My 2c and thoughts in response to what you ask here.
Keep posting. Share as much detail as you are comfortable. Many good folk here that can help, support and guide you and all with the learnings of MWD and DB, and real life experiences. You have come a long ways. You have a long ways to go, but you sound to be in a stable mental place now. This is where growth can take place if you are patient , persistent, and stay focused on your goals. Be well this evening.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
The temptation to pick up the rope is ever there, I guess like anything, with practice it will get easier.
I will stay in my lane, roof down and wind in my hair!
Very well stated. I see this journey as our opportunity to workout our mental and emotional muscles. As we do so we do become stronger and we will grow into something better.
If you would, please share what you are doing for yourself. For your children As you are on this journey.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Since the BD mid 2014 up until the last 6 months I really was not in any state to try and GAL, looking back it was like living in tornado, I just needed time, being apart of this community most definitely speeds up the process. If anything I should have been in a psych ward in respite care...seriously! No golf happening back then.
Letting go was key for me.
Spend lots of time with my younger son when he is home with me- bike rides, kicking the footy down the park, walks, movies, bbq's. Older S is harder to pin down, at 19 he has so much going on with his mates, I don't mind too much, just happy to see him happy, even know he's down stairs with friends on the PS4 and they are laughing so much, I love it. Just hope I can get some sleep with all the noise!
The thing with older son is he will always choose to do something with dad if I ask him.
Father's Day this Sunday so looking forward to that.
I'm blessed with the best bunch of mates you can ask for, some just make me laugh a lot and others are just so wise. Before the bomb I was the encourager, the one checking up on friends that were going through a hard time, for so long I had nothing to give, my pain was so intense that most days I was in a robotic sort of state...empty shell. Life is coming back to these dry bones.
Just being able to think about others again...to think "I better give so and so a call and see how his sons b/ball game went" is so awesome. To finally be able to remove this "big thing" that has been constantly in front of my nose, put it aside from time to time and do/think other things.
So happy it's the last day of winter.. So much I want to do around the house..wanted to do in warmer weather. That should keep me busy.
It's funny you know, as I read over that last post, I sensed a sadness in me, sadness that says "how can you move on? How can you forget your wife? Almost like a loved one passed away and one feels guilty for enjoying life, but the truth is if we remain broken and empty we are useless to our spouses anyway, and not just them but our kids, families, friends and ourselves.
