Albac - 7 months in. Life goes on.

[mulesqb]

Man, I don't know if it's DB or not but I hope you told her know she's severely confused and is delusional. And the crap she's doing ... she's not putting your D2 first. Keep the $#@ OM away from D2!

Hey FG...too funny I am a number of years out but back in my day there was a FG that I conversed with a lot.

She doesn't have the capacity to put anyone before herself right now. I am D 6+ years now and it hasn't changed one bit. But that's a story for another day.
For Albac I can't get past how she tries to draw him in and keep him by her side. It's amazing that she thinks it's ok. Fear not though, the OM will figure it out.

[albac]

Mules, I am sure you are right and I don't think OM will hang around for long.

The thing is it's irralavent. If it's not him it will be someone else my W needs to grow up and get in tune with reality. The one i am sad for is my D2 having to go through this. My W just says she's 2 she won't be confused. I disagree so much

[mulesqb]

The one i am sad for is my D2 having to go through this. My W just says she's 2 she won't be confused. I disagree so much

Bingo..so there's your focus.The better parent that you are the better off D2 will be. That's another thing you can take hold of. My kids were a lot older when my sitch went down. I have had my middle son in therapy every week for 7 seven years. He's finally coming around into his own person. It's been a heckuva long road with some incredibly tough times (my XW did a number on him-if you ever get a chance to go read my story) but I can't tell you how gratifying it is to see his successes when they happen.

So take care of your daughter and yourself. But you know that already. You can handle this.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[ForGump]

Mules -- would you care to give us a brief synopsis of what happened w/ your middle son? Seven years to fully recover from the trauma of a divorce seems ... scary.

[ForGump]

Albac, I am thinking of your situation.

I think about what is the right thing for you to do -- regardless of where your WW is at. Whether she's 100% on-board to reconcile, whether she's running away from you at 100mph... what is the right thing for you to do as a man and as a father. The answer I arrive at is that you stand strong, you stand tall, on principles.

But then I wonder at which point do you take your head out of the clouds, and see reality? At which point do you concede that your W has long-term traits and issues that will NEVER get resolved in your lifetime, she will always behave in an unhealthy way? At which point do you say it's better to sever your connection, and protect your child as much as possible from the turmoil, or at least give her 50% of healthy parenting time?

I turn these thoughts over in my head for you, but it's really for me too....

[albac]

Gump,

I'd i had the answer to that question I would feel much better. The thing is when you share a child can you ever really severe the connection? I have to deal with her forever. I have already cut back contact to the bare minimum that is absoloutely necessary. Although my W wants to spend time as a "family" I will
Not do it

[ForGump]

Maybe that's a boundary that you have to lay down for her. Tell her you will work with her on essential parenting issues, such as health, education, financial support, etc., but all three of you are not going to spend time together.

At least that would be my boundary. Yes, I can attend the same school plays and picnics. But we are not going to go out to dinner, go on vacations, hang out at parks.

[mulesqb]

Mules -- would you care to give us a brief synopsis of what happened w/ your middle son? Seven years to fully recover from the trauma of a divorce seems ... scary.

Hey FG - My middle son who was 10/11 at the time caught my XW with OM. He never told me until after it all went down and felt extreme guilt over it. No kid should have to carry that. There was a lot more involved. This is the EXTREME short version. My XW checked out as a mom before she checked out as a W. Pretty scary stuff. It really effected my one son.

We had a theme that me and my boys used and stuck to that my dad once told me: "Tough times don't last, tough people do."

My middle son at his senior exhibition had to give a presentation and wrote that quote on the board. It's something we all live by. Back in the day, a lot of my friends here picked it up and ran with it.

Strength and Honor was also something incredibly important to me. Can't tell you how many times those three words got me through some incredibly difficult situations.

Mules

[mulesqb]

Albac, I am thinking of your situation.

I think about what is the right thing for you to do -- regardless of where your WW is at. Whether she's 100% on-board to reconcile, whether she's running away from you at 100mph... what is the right thing for you to do as a man and as a father. The answer I arrive at is that you stand strong, you stand tall, on principles.

But then I wonder at which point do you take your head out of the clouds, and see reality? At which point do you concede that your W has long-term traits and issues that will NEVER get resolved in your lifetime, she will always behave in an unhealthy way? At which point do you say it's better to sever your connection, and protect your child as much as possible from the turmoil, or at least give her 50% of healthy parenting time?

I turn these thoughts over in my head for you, but it's really for me too....

FG - I think you are at the crux of everything. For me it was a PA. My XW knew that. She knew once I found out, all bets are off. She now sees her kids twice a month.

I also think that moment of clarity is different for everyone. I can tell you I was willing to ride the wave for a while but I did start to question why. Again my circumstances may have been a little crazier. For a long time it was for my family. But after a while I started to question what kind of family we had living the way we were and I started to ask what future would look better, with her or without her.

She also really started putting her kids so far down in her priorities I really lost any kind of attraction. How could i love someone who had so little time for her kids?

That was me.

Mules

[mulesqb]

Gump,

I'd i had the answer to that question I would feel much better. The thing is when you share a child can you ever really severe the connection? I have to deal with her forever. I have already cut back contact to the bare minimum that is absoloutely necessary. Although my W wants to spend time as a "family" I will
Not do it

Albac - I have a fiancee that has a very respectful relationship with her ex. I get along very well with him as he is a great father now. And believe me, he was a piece of garbage when they fell apart. But he got his act together. My relationship with my ex has improved over the years and I have forgiven her (thanks to an old poster named Bworl)but we will never be close again. But we are able to co parent. I have full custody and decision making so she respects what I decide. I also listen to her opinion and have used it when I thought it was better than mine. Time helped that situation dramatically.

Life does go on. And when it does time does soften things. I was fortunate and met someone who is such a better fit for me. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. And she has custody of her 3 boys. In a way I truly believe my XW is happy for me that I found that.

My point is take it one day at a time. You want to sever the connection right now because it is fresh. But as Bworl taught me, at some point you'll loosen the grip you want to put around her throat. If not for you, then for your D2 as she gets older.

And of course you won't spend "family" time but there will be times when you have to be "parents" together...proms, graduations, religious events...trust me you can handle it.

Working on GAL right now. That is extremely important. Tough times don't last. Tough men do>

Strength and Honor.

Mules