A WW? (2)

[lt0402]

Previous thread:

A WW? (1)

Quick rundown of my situation:
- M11, T13 w/ a D9
- BD on 5/31/16
- Find out about EA with OM on 6/22/16. Had been ongoing since 5/13/16
- Confront W on 6/30/16 about her plans to visit OM over 4th of July weekend
- W goes anyway on 7/3/16 for PA and I leave MBR that night

With the help of a multitude of folks on here I'm working through building my relationship with D9 to be stronger. I'm also re-tooling myself to be more like the man I was pre M. Standing up for myself and D in the face of some controlling behavior from W and refusing to be a doormat. A lot of GAL and some 180s but all for the sake of D and me, not for W. Very tough at times, but making progress.

Been an interesting 2 months to say the least...

[lt0402]

Carrying some stuff over from the last thread...

sounds like a decent weekend.
It's comforting (maybe the wrong word) I'm not the only one going through the W on the phone 24/7. I feel your pain there.

good luck at the L's tomorrow!
let us know how that goes!

Clearte, I hear you on the comforting part. It's amazing how much comfort I get in knowing that I'm not alone in these issues, though I'd never wish them on anyone else her or anywhere. It seems bad to think like that, but it's oddly comforting knowing you're not on an island.

L went well today. L was a little more pointed around dealing w/ the Ws PA than I would have liked, but overall it was very helpful. Really not trying to rake W over the coals in all of this.

We went into depth on why I should get an official S agreement in place with W, as opposed to the signed paper I gave her on July 4th. Discussed duration of alimony payments, realistic expectations for custody of D9, and how a settlement conference (vs. judicial or collaborative law) may be the way to go since W and I agree on most things. The settlement conference would save a decent amount of cost.

L agreed it's in everyone's best interest for W to get a job ASAP. L also said that post S, everything that's earned is not part of the marital property. Still wrapping my head around that one and unsure of where that takes me. Think starting to segregate funds from W leads to some big time stability issues. Need to put thought into it.

Last thing I got from L was the thought that I should have an IC in place in case my D needed it after we told her. Think that makes a lot of sense and am going to ask my IC on Wed if there's someone he'd recommend. Hate the thought of her doing it, but want to be prepared.

Not quite as negative an experience as I'd anticipated. Though I did sit in the parking lot before hand and laugh at the fact that I was there and how ridiculous this situation is. Not really funny, but taking a step back it's somewhat humorous from an outside looking perspective I guess. Glad I went as I can now put something together as a plan for W and I.

It [censored] when in house together and she doesnt care. I went through that for 5 months before separating physically. I didnt GAL enough during that time and it almost drove me crazy. Hang in there.

Agree Natus. It's tough living with someone who obviously doesn't want you around. The GAL is helping, but it's still a downer when we're stuck in awkward "family" mode. Last night's movie time was the first time I'd felt like an actual family in a long time. Sad to think it wasn't really that though.

Originally Posted By: lt0402

Other mom mentions how both their kids are at sleepovers and her and husband are going out to dinner. W says, "You are so lucky, I'm jealous".

File that one under "Ignore 100% of what W says."

ForGump, I found my mind wandering to the thought of, "hey next time D is out of the house i'll invite the W to a 'friendly' dinner w/ no R talk". In reality though, I know she wouldn't currently go for it, and I'd just be hurt again by some snarky comment she may have about it. It's amazing how a small comment like that can unlock your brain to head down so many bad paths.

Originally Posted By: lt0402

W says that I can't just jump in and take over and that her and D don't "trust me". That about set me off into "you're the last one who should lecture about trust" but I held back

I get that urge all the time.

This reminds me that I just failed to validate on something she was griping about (griping about me).

Yep, I was about 1 second away from firing back at her. I'm sure she could read it on my face though. Need to work on my poker face as well as being able to truly listen to what she's saying to me. If anyone ever said this stuff is easy I'd laugh at them.

Appreciate everyone's thoughts and support. 2nd thread of who knows how many, but the first thread was massively helpful in getting to where I am today and for that I appreciate all of you!

[JRuss]

lt0402 --

Just a quick word of encouragement. I've been so busy gazing at my own navel and posting in my own thread, that I haven't read others' as much as I should. I just went back through your first one, though, and man -- it is incredible to see the transformation you've gone through. And your commitment to your daughter and to your own health/well being is really inspiring. It [censored] that your situation hasn't really improved when viewed only through the prism of your WW, but there's really so much going on with you that you really should be proud.

I'll be pulling for you and hoping your R goes where you want it to go.

[RSG]

[quote=lt0402]Originally Posted By: lt0402

W says that I can't just jump in and take over and that her and D don't "trust me". That about set me off into "you're the last one who should lecture about trust" but I held back

I get that urge all the time.

This reminds me that I just failed to validate on something she was griping about (griping about me).

Hmm. Don't I recall you saying your D has to take medicine? Does she need her food done a certain way, or is she just picky and likes how Mommy has done it? If the latter is true, W is just being controlling and trying to put you down in front of your child. Also, isn't she 9? Could you just ask her how she'd like her food prepared? If she's scared to say so in front of Mom, just ask while y'all are out one day.
Regardless, you need to make a comment. "I understand I need to learn, but I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't be so condescending" or something. Maybe more diplomatic ha. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't speak to me that way." Don't let her walk all over you. She'll balk at it, but do it consistently and it'll calm down. I feel like I might be in danger of letting W get a little too comfortable, and am monitoring her speech again.

[lt0402]

JRuss, I really appreciate your words of encouragement. D and I are in a much better place now relationship wise. Every day the bonds seem to get stronger, but W still has a lot of pull on her when all 3 of us are together. Regardless, we've been having a blast together as of late!

As for W, I'm not sure we ever get to a better place. I know I'm still not detached bc I find myself concerned with her actions around D and me, but I feel like I don't allow her to wind up my emotions like at the start of this thing. Regardless, I keep pushing to make things better bt D and I and focus on fixing my issues. And my Ws pull over me wanes by the day. Love to have her back, but she's got work to do if she wants that. Right now, she 100% does not.

RSG, you are spot on. D is 9 and is on some meds. I've got the meds routine down pat. Pretty easy once you learn it.

For the food, D picked up severe food allergies about 6 years ago due to some meds issues. No gluten, dairy, etc. Luckily she grew out of it and is fine with everything now. W still has a hang up around how the food is done though. D really doesn't care how the food is given to her, but W is very exacting on the size and combinations of the foods still.

Thought I had the food down, per her guidelines, pretty well, but W chose to punch at me with it this weekend. She did it under the guise that i need to understand the "why" of the food situation and not really the "how". Tempted to tell her the why is bc if you don't eat for 3 weeks you die, but didn't take that tact. She's obviously very anxious about it so I've taken the tact of looking over her shoulder and asking questions, which also makes her anxious since I'm apparently like a noxious gas cloud to her.

Doesn't seem to be a great way to push forward. But I think you are right that addressing her disrespect is separate from the learning. Will address it next time it comes up. Maybe something like "I understand your anxiety around this, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't speak to me like that." Is the right way to go. I know she'll push back with the "it's your fault you didn't take the time in the past 5 years to learn this....blah, blah, blah" and I'll just respond back with "I can see that was very frustrating, but I'm focused on being prepared for us S and taking care of her on my own". Geez, now I'm talking to myself!

JRuss and RSG thank you as always, you two are awesome!

[lt0402]

Well good day today overall. Had my 3rd tennis lesson with Ds coach today. Starting to get the hang of it. He's trying to get me to join a league out there and I may do it. A new GAL activity. Regardless, D and I agreed we'd go hit tennis balls as soon as we get back from the beach in two weeks. Awesome!

D and I went Pokemon hunting at the park today. The park runs along the river down here and we had a quick run in with nature on our adventure. Walking down a path and D was a few steps in front of me. I'm looking at the ground and about 3 feet in front of D is a 2ft long copperhead right in front of her. She doesn't see it, But luckily my reflexes take over and I grab her arm and yank her back towards me and away from the snake. She would have stepped right on it in one or two more steps. Extremely thankful that I saw it before she got there.

D was scared so we stayed a little ways away and I calmy talked to her about it. She loves snakes and bugs and stuff, but hates when we see snakes in the wild. I also apologized for yanking on her arm bc I grabbed her pretty quick, which probably also scared her. We ended up laughing about it and got one awesome picture of the snake before it slithered into the woods. Talked about it for the rest of the night. Amazing how a near disastrous thing can turn into a fun special moment.

W was running in the park so we ran into her. She spent a minute looking at the Pokemon we'd caught. W is trying to learn more about the stuff that D and I do together (Pokemon, minecraft, fishing, etc). Unsure why the sudden interest but whatever.

One big question I have for everyone, esp sandi if you are still following, is how do i address my Ws blatant ignoring of me? For example, I came home today, said hi to D and then decided to do something different and ask W how hers and Ds day was (it was Ds first day with no camp in awhile, D told me they stayed home all day and D did iPad and W was on phone and exercising). W didn't even look at me. Just picked up phone and kind of smirked and didn't acknowledge.

Should I continue to say hello, ask about her day, etc even though I'll get no response? I do it cheerily, but it's awkward having to just walk away with no answer. Or should I confront her on it? Tell her how disrespectful it is and I don't appreciate being ignored. I guess I could do the same to her and I know that would send her through the roof with anger.

I'm extremely unsure how to handle this, but I do know I'm going to lose my sh$t at some point if she keeps doing it. Looking for a more graceful and less abrasive approach.

Tomorrow I've got the gym, work, the gym again and then fighting snakes Indiana jones style while hunting Pokemon at the park with D. The 3 of us leave for the beach for a week on Saturday. Should be an awkward but awesome time (at least for D and me!)

[cheesyt]

seems like you're doing pretty well so far!
It sounds to me like your wife is just observing you more than anything. but what do i know!

keep on going!

[AndrewP]

lt0402 - I can relate to the blatant ignoring. My W actually would fuss over the dog on her way out the door and then walk out without a goodbye. She would return mine if I said it though.

There's a lot of mind-reading that you can do here. Perhaps you don't really exist in her world? Perhaps she is feeling guilt and is blocking you out? Perhaps she despises you and is actively avoiding you?

As you know from your visits to my own thread (thank you BTW) - mind-reading is a path that only leads to madness.

A friend of mine once told me that she was so angry at me because W was acting like a spoiled teenager and I was letting her do it.

I'm not sure "what" to advise here. For me, I took what I felt was the high road and didn't call attention to it. I did all of the regular courteous things and treated W with respect even when she didn't do the same to me. It made "me" feel good that I wasn't allowing myself to be dragged down to her level. I can't say how it made her feel because, you know, mind-reading.

If I put on my mind-reading hat here and focus on your W - she continues to lose respect for you and is feeling smug about it. One thing that MWD says over and over is that if something isn't getting the results you want then to stop doing it. What results do you want? In my case it was more about me and my own standards. My W - especially before she walked did actually interact with me more and was polite in return. I think that the groundwork of respect at least paid off there and I have hopes that as she is thinking about her future she'll remember that no matter what she did to me that I never retaliated and kept my cool and dignity.

[mvgfwd2]

For one thing, stop being afraid of your W getting angry, or any other negative reaction. That is her problem not yours. Being a doormat is not a place that commands respect and it why she feels she can disrespect you without consequence.

[RSG]

For one thing, stop being afraid of your W getting angry, or any other negative reaction. That is her problem not yours. Being a doormat is not a place that commands respect and it why she feels she can disrespect you without consequence.

Agree with this wholeheartedly. You've got to stand up for yourself, especially when she does it in front of your child. You have to respect yourself first. Being spoken down to, especially in front of your child, is the ultimate disrespect. In a calm manner, you need to let your W know you don't appreciate being spoken to in such a way.

It's a big, but important step. You can do it!!