So I saw a text message from my W to our friend that she went to the concert with last weekend. It said "we are ok, Coconut let me delete all the messages from (OMs name) and we are still trying to work through this. Friend replied "Good, neither of you deserve to live like this" (This was the day after I posted the texts on fire station group chat)
So I had mixed emotions, it was good to see my W talking about moving forward (which is what she told me), but I was upset that 1. She was using OMs name in discussions with friends & 2. That she told this friend everything, my W met her through me and has known her for 8 years, whereas I've known her for 30 years and she knows pretty much every friend I have or ever had.
Now let me say that my W has said several times that this is a private matter that we need to deal with, especially after I posted on Facebook and took it right down and when I posted on fire station chat. I have talked to only my cousin, and that was back when I was having an emotional breakdown and needed someone to talk to. My wife has talked to her mother, her BFF, a friend of ours we work with and this friend of ours.
So I approached my W and asked if she had told this friend of ours about what's going on, she said I didn't tell her what's going on, so I said so you didn't tell her about the A, she said no, just that we are having issues. I then asked her about the text I saw and she went of the handle being defensive, saying up and down that this friend doesn't know, so I asked what she thought the texts where, and got more defensive stuff back. I told her that I understand needing someone to talk to, but it's really embarrassing for everyone I know to know what's going on, and she kept being defensive and getting really loud, I told her that I won't be screamed at and I'd like to talk about it more when she's calmed down.
I'm pretty pissed off that she lied to me again. I sent her a text when I got to work and said that in my mind, I was going to ask what she said, she would tell me everything truthfully and that I wanted to express to her how I felt about her telling so many people. I told her that one of the things I want to do in MC is work on communicating so that I can bring up things without her feeling like she's being accused and for her to be able to respond without being defensive.
I feel like I need to readdress the issue, because I'm not ok with her lying to me when I ask straight forward questions, but is that a bad idea to do now, should I wait until MC on Tuesday?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Wait!!! If she brings it up then tell her you are processing the way the two of you handled the situation and that y'all can discuss it in the MC session. She lied to you not because she is covering up anything. She lied because she was afraid of how you would react. Her getting defensive is her go to because of the feeling like you are watching her every move. This is why having a good MC is so important right now. Hang in there. You are so close. I had a MC session today and I am about to post about it You will see some things in there that might help with what you just dealt with Hell what am I saying. You definitely will see. We are the same person. Hahaha
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I like CBT's advice. Just wait. Having a neutral 3rd party will help her. If you got a script from the MC, and read it to her, she'd still be defensive and accusatory. Hold you tongue and wait!!
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
I totally agree with CBT. She didn't lie to deceive you. I do not condone lying, but I see why she did it.
You still want her to act and particular way. You want her to act and react to situations as YOU see fit. You want her emotions to match how you feel they should be. So when she feels a certain way, she is scared to tell you.
You confided in your cousin when you were having an emotional breakdown. Perhaps this journey in trying to forgive herself for the affair and piece with you is very emotional and difficult for her and she needs to share?
And really, most friends aren't so supportive and might talk the WAS in the opposite direction. You've got someone on both of your dies here encouraging her! That's great!
perhaps in MC, discussing how she could feel safe talking with you and not lying is a good topic. Her intentions aren't to deceive you, it's to not get you so mad at her for the way she does things.
You'll get through this. It's not easy. For either of you. but she seems like she wants this to work, so she is scared of messing things up. Having an outlet in a friend is necessary. Especially for women.
I would really suggest to stop with the snooping, either you are going to trust your W or you're not. The constant reminder to her that you are monitoring all forms of communication are just going to build a deep resentment towards you.
Why do you feel the need to read her texts? How does it help you? Every time you do you react negatively and conflict arises from it.
I cant begin to imagine what it feels like to be betrayed by an A so I don't want you to feel I am unsympathetic but in order for the forgiveness and healing to begin you have to let go of the past and commit to a new start with her or you will never give this reconciliation a real chance.
Please try to remember our counsel to be patient and really watch your mouth (and fingers when texting/emailing). You can be impatient and your impulsiveness causes you to react in a trigger-hair fashion thus causing you two more difficulties than necessary. One such example was posting on the FB. There are many more ....but I don't want to list them here.
Instead what I want to do is to re-focus your attention on finding a way to calm down your racing thoughts and emotions before you approach your W. There will be many, many triggers that crop up as you travel the road toward piecing. The trouble is, the way I see it here, that you have NOT YET mastered in how to manage them effectively.
By being reactive without thoughtful contemplation, you are contributing to the to-fro tension between you and W. What can you do to change this dynamic? You are THE ONLY person who can control....yourself. Not W. W is entitled to confide whomever she chooses to do so about the M difficulties. This the one-eyed control monster rearing its ugly head right there. Try to be more self-aware of this tendency of yours, buddy.
Yeah, I am with CBT....cool your jets and bring those concerns to a MC who will be able to facilitate communications between you and W in a neutral fashion. It is clear that emotions are running high between the two of you as you try to figure out the next steps in healing from the A.
Slow down. Breath. Go for a walk. Contemplation is your friend...seriously. Contemplate and reflect before opening up your mouth. For what you put out there cannot be taken back.
Ok, I didn't see all that coming, and just wanted to say a couple of things.
I didn't react immediately, saw the texts the day before and waited to talk to her about it, I was cool and calm when talking to her.
My wife is the one that asked I not tell anyone outside of household, so no, I don't think she should get to tell everyone she wants, especially when she's thrown it in my face that I told my cousin. she has plenty of people she's already told that she can talk to. And I especially don't like that she's using OMs name like he's a friend of my friend.
I snoop at most once a week.
If it's my reaction she's concerned about, then she should realize that every time I've gotten upset is because she lied to me, not when she's talked things through honestly.
I'm ok with the 2x4s, but don't feel like lying is ok.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
It is very clear that hearing OM's name is a trigger for you which tells me that you are not completely out of the woods yet. That alone should be the guidepost to your state of mind.
Let me tell you my experience that, I hope, would illuminate things a bit better for you.
Early on in my sitch, I could NOT stand the OW's name. It was like a finger going down slowly on the chalkboard. Also could not stand the sight of coming across a woman that looked like OW. I had murder on my mind. That warped thought process went on for several months (I am not going to lie and say "a few months"). Now? I no longer have that visceral reaction to the OW's name. It is more of eh...barf. Then it's over.
I managed to use my favorite tool a lot during the early months: duct tape. That was the one thing I really had to be dedicated to was watching my mouth (and fingers). The itch and antsy pansty feeling to react immediately to seeing and/or hearing hurtful things is what all newbies experience. You're still experiencing raw pain whenever you see or hear about OM/name. I get that. Totally.
The key thing is to manage your expectations and reactions.
As for the "lying" part, have you ever stopped to consider how and some of the ways you ARE NOT making W safe to confide in you without exploding or flying off the handle?
When you learn to manage your emotions, I bet W will be able to confide in you and come up to you more often when you calmly state, "W, this is very hard (painful...whatever adjective you insert here) to hear and I appreciate you being honest here by bringing it up to me. I need to take a brief time out (or take a day ...whatever time you need) to process this and will get back to you when I am more calmer."
This accomplishes several things. One is that you heard W. Two that you have this reaction. Three that you need time and will re-engage. This way, she will know that you will get back to her at some point instead of leaving her in the lurch guessing etc. This is called communication, my friend.
I used to also have reactions to OW's name. Much like Wonka's. So much I nicknamed her something not so nice and put that name in my phone when I had to save her number. I got over it. I had no choice because she is now my daughter's stepmother. (I couldn't use that word either for many many years).
You just came off a HUGE reaction and I'm sure she is still treading very lightly. Managing your emotions will help her feel more comfortable communicating with you.
Lying is not ok. But right now it isn't for deceit, I think it's for her own self defense. Work on making it comfortable to communicate and she will communicate!!!!
I don't mean to hijack this thread, so I'll be brief...
Speaking of names, every time I'd see the name Coconut and Ginger, I was reminded of something, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then it suddenly came to me: Gilligan's Island. There were always coconuts on the island and Ginger was suave actress on the island.
