If you keep posting here about your interactions, insights, problems etc some comments will trigger replies and support from.others.
Keep posting.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I read your initial post again. I think you are not getting much feedback here because your sitch is in a difference place than many of the posters. It seems that people often come here when their spouse has walked out or in an A; they come here in complete crisis. What also makes it hard for me to give you feedback is because it sounds like you have been working on it and doing a great job! You are really trying and even have been in MC for a year. Your insight into yourself and willingness to try and change is perfect. You are reading about DB and trying to detach, GAL, and do 180s. You are also a recovering Nice Guy, and I know that is not easy. Give yourself some credit!
In terms of what else you can be doing, I honestly don't know. I think you could stop being hard on yourself; you put yourself down and seem to hold W in a higher regard. Part of recovering from NGS (I just made that up by the way), is recognizing your worth. Part of the DB philosohpy--detaching and self-love--is so we can discover our worth. So as you are reading, growing, taking care of yourself, just know how valuable you truly are.
Also, keep in mind that this takes a long time. It can take many months or even years to find this self discovery, and it may take her longer to even realize it.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
You may be right, but maybe I haven't fully expressed my level of crisis. Yes, I don't have a D or a known A, but the last two years have been the most miserable years of my life. The complete withdrawal of affection for me, combined with visible expressions of contempt. The stopping doing anything with me alone, the initial isolation of me from family activities (that's gotten better). The sleeping in same bed but trying desperately not to touch each other.
The year of counseling IMO led to me expressing my love and anguish and basically pursuing my wife, when I didn't understand why she was acting the way she was. And she withdrew further. It felt like one hour sessions every couple of weeks and living with a stranger in between. It was like a separation for me, as much living with someone can be.
Then I got the "the light has gone out" speech. I've always heard that the ILYBINILWY speech is a crisis situation. It felt like dreams of growing old together, sharing our lives together, were over. I cried and sank into a depression, which probably just turned my W off even more.
But understanding that she didn't really love me as a man/woman anymore, i realized that I cannot trust her as my W. She has pushed me away so hard, has responded to my love our long history with indifference, she has to know the logical end is me walking out. Or her.
Then I decided I had to take action. I began to understand I contributed by discovering my nice guy tendencies. And DR/DB gave me hope that a seemingly impossible situation can get better.
Working on detaching and 180 has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, because it also involves overcoming my nice guy tendencies which tell me that I just need to stop rocking the boat. I have to constantly fight the feeling that she's too far gone, and simply doesn't want to be back with me in a real marriage. But I'm working on accepting that I have to change my behavior, and our M will either work or it won't. the emotional swings are very painful though.
Just reading about you Blu and others' stories give me hope and comfort. I am working on rediscovering my self-worth. During my times as a stay at home dad, I felt worth and purpose, supporting my wife, in a super stressful career. She has no idea how much work it took to support a doctor in her early career. I tried to make her long hours mother's guilt better, but providing a good family life.
To me, her rejection of me as a man, was a repudiation of all those efforts. It wasn't enough.
She says that it's not about me being a stay at home dad, and she doesn't know why she feels the way she does. But I believe the role reversal did have a huge effect on her feelings.
Then as I noticed her pulling away, I tried harder to show my love, which I think feminized me in her eyes more.
