I have been married 7 years and have known my husband for 10 years. We've had a busy marriage with lots of challenges, both doctors in training and lived apart during our residency. We have three small children, ages 5,3 and a newborn infant. Though we've had a lot of challenges I thought we had a fairly good marriage, that we were a team. I was wrong.
Last year my H said he wanted more children and I was hesitant, I get very sick during pregnancy and also am high risk. After mulling it over we decided to go for #3. I got pregnant very quickly and was very sick over the summer, so no sex. Meanwhile he works in another state every other week and I was working full time as a resident and then coming home and taking care of our kids when he was in another state at work. Oct 2015 he tells me he has feelings for a co-worker and he may be forming a relationship with her. He vehemently denied they had sex. He came home the next day (to a hysterical and sobbing wife) and I made him swear on holy scriptures he had not had sex with her. Three nights later I found a way to restore deleted texts and they had already been sexually active without protection. He shamefully admitted they had sex the week before and he still desired her. My world shattered and really hasn't come back since.
I did every thing wrong, I was not familiar with DB and did everythingwrong. I demanded NC and he said he needed to "let her down softly." I threatened to expose them to co-workers and to parents. (later I followed through on the parents thing)He continued to talk to her at work when he was there and usually used an excuse that he needed to answer questions. (they are not direct co-workers) I began to lose weight, my sleep was awful, and my heart started acting up. During my pregnancy I landed in the CCU twice and now have permanent stress induced damage to my heart which will require a repair procedure. I begged my H, pleaded, sobbed, screamed, threatened, insulted him...everything you're not supposed to do. He became more and more cold towards me, more critical and hurtful. I responded by doubling down my stupid behavior. By the end of December we actually started moving back together as the OW had been out of work recovering from surgery. He agreed to NC, we discussed what he would do if she tried to break NC.
She returned to work in January and he walked up to her as soon as he laid eyes on her and had a 1.5 hour conversation about her surgery, recovery etc., He called and told me. My biggest mistake ever, I screamed at him for 4 hours, threatened to call HR and expose them to everyone. I can honestly say this was when the light went out in his eyes. Since then he has been hard, angry, cruel and has told me he has no feelings for me. I became suicidal and seriously considered ending my life. I thought he would try and help me when I confessed this but he seemed simply disgusted in me. Frankly, I am disgusted in myself for ever thinking of doing that to my kids.
My breaking point was February, he told me he missed the OW and was thinking about re-kindling their relationship. I kicked him out of my place and told him I was divorcing him and suing for sole custody of our children. I sent a letter to OW's parents and called my in-laws and spilled the beans. OW sent me a long apology via text and quit her job and moved back to her parents over 2 hours away from my husband. H begged to come back so he could be near our kids. I relented. So here we are, I basically did everything you are not supposed to do, it's like I am a DB disaster story.
Two weeks ago I started reading about Divorce Busting and signed myself up for phone coaching. I've had two session with a couch and have started the 180. Last week I had a 2 day road trip for job interviews and H came with me. It was mostly silent as it has been my mistake to dig him hard for the why's what's of the affair. He was initially hostile and passive aggressive but after I gave a tempered response (no arguing, just calmly asked him to address me respectfully) he began to soften towards me. I did my job interviews and decided where I will be working. I was looking through house listings and he was talking as if we would still be together in the future. I wasn't sure how to react so I simply stayed silent. At this moment he has done no work towards repairing the marriage after his betrayal so I will simply sit back and watch. I can only control my actions and behavior, I will work on me. If he starts to plug back into our marriage then I will consider MC and request he attend IC. But that is a looooong way off. For now I try to keep our conversations brief and upbeat. It's hard because inside I am still in immense pain. But I will keep trying.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you, I've been reading voraciously the last few weeks and have read quite a bit about how to do the work. I cringe remembering how poorly I coped and reacted shortly after discovering the affair.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sadsara, we all failed early and some still fail from time to time. Myself especially. Every day is a new day, to get on track and make a difference for yourself, your children and possibly your M. Vent away here... And often!
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hi Sadsara, sorry to read about your situation. As Ralph 88 says, we all mess up in the beginning, because DBing goes against what is natural reactions to our emotions and the pain we're in.
I bought the DR book last weekend and it should be coming in the mail. One advantage to my H working in another state is there is little likelihood of him stumbling across the evidence of my DBing. lol!
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
GAL is proving the most challenging. After working all day I come home to my two kids and my newborn. My nanny is exhausted and quickly goes home. I am left alone for the dinner, bath, bedtime routine. I also nurse my baby with the requisite pumping for the next day's supply. Throughout this I am getting their clothes ready for the next day, packing school snacks, getting my own stuff assembled and managing to shower myself somewhere in there. My weekends are the same with the occasional 12 hour call. So GAL is damn near impossible at this time.
I just got a call from H, I kept the tone upbeat and was the one to end the call. While I understand this is a process another part of me feels so bitter that he appears to be feeling just fine after destroying our marriage. He sleeps, eats and functions like nothing ever happened.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I think all that you listed is part of GAL. YOu are keeping busy and living your life. For so many on here just getting out of bed is the accomplishment of the day. Your doing great. I think for you a monthly outing with out kids might be manageable? Start small.
Keep posting.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Sadsara, vice is right you are busy. But you need to fit some time in there to do the things you enjoy. Is there a time during the work day you can fit in a 45 min workout? When you are pumping milk can you read a book or catch up on phone calls to girlfriends? There are things that you enjoy that you need to get back. Women and masters of multitasking, and that sounds like what you may need to be doing. Also, find another childcare provider for once a week and go out to dinner with the ladies. You gotta make time for you.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
