My story for what it's worth

[CRW]

Talking about the GAL and getting hit on I mean....

[WSB]

It's been a while since I posted, have stopped in to read up on others threads but have been busy with GAL.

Summer break is here and I'm getting extra time with my S and it's been so therapeutic. I went on my annual golf trip with 15 other friends and we had a blast. Also went out of town for my S baseball tournament. My W also attended but I kept my interactions with her very brief

I did backslide however when she went to pay for her room and her credit card was rejected, she was in front of her the other Mom's when this happened and I could tell she was mortified. I did step in and pay which I knew was wrong but oh well it's not all going to go perfectly.

I find myself less and less interested in what she is doing or thinking but the grief over the loss still hits from time to time.

I long for the day when this is all over and I will feel completely normal again, maybe that's a pipe dream but I continue to strive for it

[WSB]

Ok so I had to share this and I'm really going to need some input from the veterans around here

I get this text out of the blue today

W: Hi, hope you are ok saw you at S baseball game last night sorry we didn't get to catch up. I was wondering if you had some free time to get together at some point and talk

ME: I might, when were you thinking and what's up?

W: I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about you about us, the family. I've prayed even more so than ever and I just feel we need some time to sit down and discuss everything that's happened and is happening

ME: Sorry but this has kind of caught me off guard, you've been pretty resolute about not wanting to rehash the past and just move on with life but let me see when I can free up some time.

W: Thanks please let me know as soon as you can

Wow to say I could have been knocked over with a feather is an understatement. She was so determined early on to not discuss any of this avoid it at all costs and I never really pushed it. I was lucky to read early on not to beg or seem needy so I followed that DB'ing advice.

I hold no real expectations about what will be said by her and I am going into this thinking I will mostly listen and validate but if she does take it in the direction of R talk how do I handle it? Do I tell her I need time to digest it all do I suggest we wait a while before we really decide what to do?

In the meantime I haven't gotten back to her with a time or date so I have some more time to digest this all

[WSB]

I'm going to keep bumping this I really need feedback, I want to make sure I handle this properly. I dont want to overemphasize but this could be one of those turning point moments either way, please help folks

[Cristy]

So last night the W and I talked during dropoff, we have a court appearance on Tuesday, so we started discussing that and before I know it we are knee deep in a serious discussion about everything. I let her know how hurt I was about not being asked to attend graduation ceremonies, she knew it was wrong and admitted as much, she let it be known she is still having trouble with the bitterness she feels and it gets in the way of her doing the right thing. I validated all she had to say and told her I knew it was probably difficult to come to that but I just wanted to let it be known that I was affected by it

I saw this as a chance, and still not sure if it was the right time or not, to let her know I was setting up boundaries going forward. I accepted her decision to leave and while I didn't agree with it I understood it was her decision and out of my control. I told her going forward since we are living separately she needed to be responsible for all her financials . No help from me with the rent or other bills. She gets plenty of CS from me and she should use it wisely. She needed to put the step kids on her insurance policy now and not have me still be their primary financial provider. I empowered her by telling her I know she was a strong capable woman and she can make this work and that this was all part of being independent and free.

She understood everything and all this was done in a civil manner with nothing but respect. It wasn't a lecture it was a free flowing conversation and it couldn't have went better. I know I saw it in her eyes that the reality of it all set in. She would have to budget, she knew I would not be there to bail her out if she overspent, it hit her it was all up to her.

I love my W and hope for the best for her, I told her none of that last night of course but I am now understanding that our M or any chance of R is less than slim to none. Not sure how I know this I just do. I'm saddened by it and of course I'm not giving up per se I'm just moving on.

WSB,

You are DBing like a pro! Keep up the great work

I'm so sorry that you weren't included in D's graduation. That must have been very painful.

It also sounds like you handled the text exchange today beautifully! Be cautious in how you proceed!

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[WSB]

Just to update, I never did give the W a firm time as to meet up and talk. I did run into her this weekend a S baseball games and we did chat but everytime I sensed she was steering the conversation to a deeper place I quickly navigated away from it.

We kept it light but she said a few things that led me to believe she is definitely rethinking this whole thing. "you're like a whole new you" "I wish I could have seen this change sooner we wouldn't be going through all of this now" little comments like that. I just smiled and said things like it was long overdue but wouldn't get baited into anything further.

I'm not sure why I won't commit to sit down and hash this all out. Maybe I'm still hurt over the divorce filings happening so quickly or how suddenly she just left either way I'm not even sure I'm ready to even try this again if that is what she's hoping for. Still too much I need to work on for myself let alone us. My fear though is if I don't take the chance now what if it never comes again.

Still I continue just to live for me and my S and any of the step if they reach out to me. Life is too short to be unhappy, I want to take advantage of this time I have now.

[qt4x11]

I read this whole thread. What a great story, my reaction went from 'oh man poor guy' to
'wow he is really going through a tough time'
to 'hey he is GAL and DBing like a pro! good for him, whatever happens, he deserves to be happy'
to 'Wow that surprise turn of events came out of nowhere! no doubt because he stuck to what works'.

I noticed the time frame we're talking about is 4-5 months right? I guess that's a relatively short time but it seems like forever to me, you really stuck to your guns and stayed strong. Best wishes to you, whereever you decide to go from here!

[WSB]

More like 3-4 months and yes it's been relatively short I guess but still not counting any chickens yet ;-)

I really dont know for sure where my W is at but all signs are pointing towards a big R talk.

Like I said I have no idea if I'm even ready for that, I've learned a lot about myself as a person and Dad since all this happened. I don't think I'm done "evolving" yet.

[qt4x11]

Yeah she really put you through the ringer, you don't just come back from that without thinking about it. Whatever you decide, it seems like you are calling the shots now.

[Coconut]

Well ain't that just a kick in the azz. Just found out I'm not invited to watch my D make her graduation walk. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, her and I had a tough 6 mos to a year but this girl has lived with me full time since the 1st grade, next to her Mom I am most responsible for he being in this position.

I want to say something to the W about this. She is the adult here she should see that this is just wrong but I know from all I learned this is not the time to initiate this or any serious conversation. I'll bite my tongue and run my pain away tomorrow.

It just hurts these kids have no idea what I still do for them, they've stayed on my medical insurance, I give their Mom extra $ on top of child support to help them out because their real Dad has never had a job or $ to do or provide anything for them. Guess who gets to go to graduation though?

Sorry, just needed to vent, I'm getting crapped on from all angles and I'm reaching my breaking point. I was doing real well with my DB'ing this has the potential to really throw me off track, I'm deeply hurt by this slight.

I don't know why I've never run across your sitch before, but you sound like a master DB'r, great job on looking out for you and S12. You also sound like a great dad to your step children, many men woulda cut off support to spite WAW, but you did the right thing and can hold your head up high.

This really resonated with me.. I married my W when my S16 was in 2nd grade, and he means the world to me. I was losing his respect and love because of how I lost myself over the last two years, and I hate to say it, but my W ILYBINILWY speech saved my R with my son. I can't even imagine how devastated you must have been about not being invited to graduation, but you still need to be there for your D. She will realize in a few years how much she hurt you, and she needs to know that you love her unconditionally and will always welcome her back into your life with open arms. Do you still get to spend time with your step sons? I really hope you do.

As for the R talk with your WAW, the fact that you haven't talked to her kinda leads me to believe you don't want to. That is something you need to decide, do you want to crack the door open and see if she has it in her to open it up all the way. You don't have to do all the talking, she wants to talk, you just need to decide if you want to listen. I've said several times that the best we LBS can ask for is to get to make the choice if we want to try to piece R back together or not... It's funny how when we get to that point, we've usually found so much happiness in ourselves we are not sure if we want to go back to that place.. Whatever choice you make will be the right one, as long as you make it for you and your S12. If you choose yes, I think you should meet up with her and see what she has to say.