Way too late? Pt4

[TimR]

1313 and CWOL I feel bad for you both. I know it is hard to realize (and look at my date I am in the same boat) but we need to really thank our WWs. They grabbed the bandaid and just ripped it right the F off. Even though my sitch is resolved (the M is dead and buried with just a few more court docs to file) except for the kids, I still lurk around the boards. I was reading one today and the person became a registered member in 2006... 2006!!! and it appeared their sitch is continuing... (btw my sincerest prayers go out to them). In my divorce care group there is a woman in it and she has been divorced for 2 years and a man divorced for 1 but his sitch is 4 years old.

Here we are 3 to 6 months in and we are achieving closure. That is not a bad thing. After all could you imagine being in limbo for 4 years, 5 years or even 10 years. Let's face it sooooo much has can change in just a year but after 2 it is likely so much would change neither you nor your WW would even be the same person, so you would be pining for a person who no longer exists. The way I look at it is the woman I married does not exist anymore. Yeah there is a doppelganger out there but the insides, the personality, the woman I loved is no longer in that shell. I mourn the loss of that person but I am not going to get hung up on the person that took her place. So she did me a favor ending it cause I do not want to be in a relationship with this other person. Of course the way she went about ending it will be an open wound for quite some time.

The financials of it suck. Especially, if you have to give half your check to this other person!!! They are the ones that ended a good thing, yet they are entitled to be 'kept.' Yeah that is ridiculous! What they should be entitled to is the clothes on their back and nothing more. Yet we cannot control that and we can always make more money. Lets face it while money can provide a certain amount of peace of mind, it does not create happiness. My favorite most intimate dates with GF are not the ones I take her to a fancy restaurant and wine and dine her. No my favorite are like last night where we just sit at her kitchen table and hold hands and talk. I get to see her interact with her boys and realize what a special person she is.

I guess my point is this... look at the bright side. You can still love and be loved, you can still make more money, or get by with what you have (even though that really $ucks) but you cannot replace time. You cannot undo the time wasted waiting for someone who no longer exists. And while it is noble and honorable to fight for your M, sometimes it is just over and not meant to be. At that point you need to work on you and find your happiness!

BTW I have not asked for awhile but 1313 how is your mom doing? I have not seen you mention her in awhile.

[GWH]

1313,

So sorry to hear how things are going my friend. D s ucks and is never easy. Continue to work on you, and be the best you can be. Hang in there.

[trumpet]

Any updates, 1313?

[1313]

Hi everyone,
sorry I kind of overloaded and went dark for a while. It's been extra rough, I haven't been this down for a while. Between my grief over the coming split or dissolving of assets and the WW apparently now showing off her OM as her "SO", I've been pretty depressed.

The WW "offered" to split the dog every other week, which is not an offer, but was already agreed on and only a judge needs to put his stamp on it. So, I have her right now, and am taking her to an eye specialist this afternoon as her eye has gotten worse.

I've made plans to travel with a friend to the art auction my piece is in next week. Currently with about 150 pieces, mine is in the top 4-5 current bids against some very famous competition. Don't expect that to last!

Anyway, I wonder what I've gotten myself into, because I really don't know how I'd handle it if the WW showed up there with the OM. I'm inclined to think she's still trying to keep this on the hush hush with most people except the enablers, or newer friends who've only ever seen this guy. It's not 100% as my friend won't verify until tomorrow, and then I need to get somebody in to stay with my Mom. Of course living with somebody with dementia is stressful enough without a WW piling on.

The recent correspondence has been awful too, with the WW doing her knife twisting and then getting all indignant when I finally take exception to it. At least it's all in writing.

So, sometime soon there will be some sort of "binding arbitration" for the assets. At this point, I'm no longer going to be amicable, I want it all dissolved. If she wants to call this thing to an end, then I don't want her to have any souvenirs of her victory. Very sad.

[TimR]

Sorry to hear that 1313, at least you are getting to see your dog and yes there is absolutely no reason to be a doormat for her in settling the property. She cheated and thus deserves the minimal entitled by law. At least that is my feeling.

Your WW is not the only one parading around an OM. Mine is also posting pics of her and OM on FB from what I understand (people have been asking me about it). Unfortunately for her it has caused a backlash. People who I do not even know have contacted me and asked "she left you for that?" I just respond it appears so and keep doing what I am doing.

Keep in mind it is them that in the long run is going to regret their decisions not us (we mourn in the short term). The sooner we finish our mourning (and I guess everyone is different) the sooner we can move on to happiness and the realization that this just may be a good thing, so do your best not to hang on to what was, and look forward a life of possibilities.

1313 my thoughts and prayers are with you buddy. Keep on keeping on.

[CWOL]

1313,
Sorry to hear about what's happening with your D. What you are going through is exactly my biggest fear, the permanent and irreversible damage the process does on our finances and relationships. I don't think my WW is thinking about that, she's just going full-steam ahead. But one day when the damage is done, it'll be too late to take things back.

[J5K]

1313,

I feel for you. I am trying to stay strong and not give my WW everything also. I know nothing about what she does since she is so far away but I am sure her sense of entitlement to things keeps her going. I am struggling an mourning my D also and doing everything I can to hang in there and be strong for my boys. I pray that all our WW's will eventually feel the loss of their family and H's.

[1313]

Thanks for the wishes everyone, I really appreciate it.

While I vacillate in the resentment department, I suppose I keep slipping into denial. I keep thinking the best of the WW, and that the things I hear are true when they're not. She's just living a double life.

I'm at a point where I think I will just tell anybody who will listen that she's been having an affair for over a year. I'm also not going to pull any more punches with her. She probably thinks she's got me completely fooled, as she just has fed me more lies since the lines of communication opened again.

If indeed we both wind up going to this art auction, I'm going to make sure she's more uncomfortable than she ever dreamed of. Everybody there will know exactly why we're separated. Enjoy the fruit moral bankruptcy brings, WW. She insists it is about "us" when it's not. It's about her. I'll keep the focus where it belongs.

[1313]

Update, I had to take the dog to an eye specialist yesterday. I had to explain why it's gone so long, apparently the WW was ignoring this for a month or more. The poor thing has partial facial paralysis. So, she can't close her eye or blink, so the eye is suffering greatly. They had to give her a light sedation (she has a bad heart) and stitch the eye partially shut. A variety of meds need to be administered throughout the day, and she needs to remain indoors as much as possible.

So suddenly, the WW says "keep the dog" because I will be able to take better care of her. That basically came when I said she needs to stay indoors and get these meds. That tells me that she's wanting to go to this auction next week, and the dog will cramp her style. I told her I had already made plans, and had expected to do the hand-off Sunday. But she says all this garbage about her schedule not being hers, yada yada. I got so angry I fired back "so, useless boyfriend is useless?", and to worry about herself as she usually does. I'm so over this stuff.

She answered back "what do you want me to do?", to which I replied "it's pretty sad if I have to tell you". 180 DB, but I don't care. I'm worried about myself, and the dog. If she's so concerned with her social life, I'll stay and take care of the dog. Somebody has got to be responsible. It's obvious she's neglected the poor dog for months. She's 3 lbs overweight, and that's a huge strain on an enlarged heart - it affects her breathing. Just pathetic.

Anyway, if the paralysis doesn't resolve itself or we don't find a root cause, it's possible she may lose her eye. I'm not sure how that could work as they really can't sedate her without a huge risk. Then again, I guess an infected eye is a huge risk. This is all so very sad, she deserves a better fate.

[trumpet]

1313,

She's given up you, the dog, some money, all for a fantasy.

It's tough to take.

You have done awesome so far. You wanted the dog - you won!

You're going to win at life - can you feel it? The hope? Find the sun shining.

Be grateful for your mom, having the dog, your possibilities of an awesome future. You control your ship, your WW does not. Her ship is packed with explosives, and the fuse is lit. Get as far away as you can. You need the space to heal, but also from the collateral damage. Make sure you're financially as separated as you can be. I don't see this ending well on her end. I see you winning, probably without her in your life.