Wife files divorce after I confronted her 2nd EA

[CWOL]

I would hate to see you live the rest of your life in bitterness and hatred over something that your W has done to you. I've seen a lot of people do that very thing, b/c they would not go of it. Don't let her rob your peace and happiness. Let her go. Let go of this mess and stop trying to force her to do what you want.

Sandi,
You are absolutely right, I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of this bitterness and hatred. I googled the various lists on the web, whether it's 7 or 10, I'm only doing a half*ssed job on them. Particularly when I wake up in the middle of the night with those thoughts racing through my brain. Need to get myself to do the rest of them fully.

The question about OM was one of those 4 AM irrational thoughts, as if my WW still cares. I really need to detach from her emotionally, which is one of the steps. Easier said than done.

It seems like many of the people I've talked to who've been through D have the same bitterness and anger in them. That is, when you really talk to them and find out what is beneath their peaceful exterior. For example, at the DC group, even several years after the D is settled. One woman has been trying to D for three years, and is totally bitter about the experience. Her H just keeps throwing money to the L's to keep the D alive, I guess. I'm very afraid I'll turn out to be one of them, given my personality. This process brings out the worst side of me on control and obsession.

[J5K]

CWOL,

I too have bitterness and resentment towards WW. It stems from her actions though and the example that will be set with my small boys if I allow her to have custody.

I also wake up with those dreams, maybe once per week, they will pass. I have minimal contact with her and when I do see her during the exchange with the boys, I question how I ever loved her? Physically she is attractive but morally I am disgusted with her. She went out with OM while she had boys this weekend and they knew she was going out with a "friend". They are too young to understand how that makes me feel and I don't want to radiate my bitterness on to them.

Keep focusing on you!

[CWOL]

Jim,
Part of it is because WW stayed under the same roof with me for the past five months after D-Day. At first I was trying another tactic of "nicing" her (from a different forum), and I thought that pushing out her move-out date would give me the best chance to R with her. It didn't, and really wore me down psychologically.
That's probably why I have these nightmares every night while you only get them once a week! :-)
I need to focus on myself.

[SH_]

CWOL,

I know that I wish I could have had my WAW leave sooner after the BD. I know this looking back now, while initially I wanted her to stay.
I share this with you as many told me that it was very toxic while she was under the same roof due to her bitterness and anger. They told me once she moved out that I could begin the healing process. I now know they were right as while I still struggle the past week and a half it has been better than the last 3 months.

There are more moments of peace that add up to help through the difficult moments. I am still having my struggles but I am seeing the triggers and time frames that I can brace for. I can also see what triggers and time frames that I look forward to to feel good.

Mornings are the worst for me, but I am finding things to shorten the pain. Time with my baby girls is the best for me as no matter what we do I feel like I am cloud 9.

Stay focused in the moment. When it's a challenge accept it and let it pass. (See Phoebe's thread) when it's a happy moment, focus on it and enjoy it to the fullest. Try to avoid thinking backwards, that creates depression. Avoid thinking to the future, that creates anxiety. Focus on the moment and the actions and thoughts that can move you forward.

Sorry for the ramble, but these are things that I am learning and working to apply. Not easy. Not instinctive. But I know it is neccasary to heal, grow stronger, and progress to a new beginning. Also it will help you be the best father possible for your s.

Hang in there, you have support here and first hand advice and feedback for you.

[CWOL]

Thanks SadHub. Mornings are the worst for me as well, especially after a sleepless night.

From what everyone described, I do think after she moves out it will help me mentally to start working on myself. Which is why before she even filed the D, my L suggested I give her $5K to move out. But she ended up staying another 3 months as her L tried to extract more from the support payments. Ugh.

The things I dread next on the timeline are:
1. When HR receives my garnishment notice and come ask me about it. Will be pretty embarrassing, as I have not told anyone at work about the D. I will have to accept it and work through it, I guess.
2. Next round of scheming by her L's. I dread the chime on my phone when my L emails me stuff. It's never good news!
3. Final division of assets. This will be very painful. I'll have to accept it. Probably a lot more L fees as we fight back and forth and forensic accountant fees.
4. Reaction of S11 to physical separation. He is a sensitive child and I'm sure will affect him greatly. My WW is telling herself the "resilient" myth but it will be tough on him. As my coach told to me, divorce for kids is like war for soldiers. You do the best you can and hope you survive it, since you have no choice in the matter!

[Vapo]

Do not be afraid or embarassed. I know you feel sort of demasculinated/replaced by OM, but it really is not your fault. Hold your head up high. It's not how hard you can hit, it's how hard you can get hit... (ROCKY)

[sandi2]

I try to imagine as best that I can, and I know that without going through the experience nobody really knows just how hard it is to let it go of the betrayal, deception and rejection.......not to mention all the unfairness that goes down in a divorce. I'm certain it would be a work in progress, if it were me. I hope it can start for you when she gets out f the house and the D is settled.

[1313]

CWOL,
yeah I hate the cringe inducing mail/text tone from the WW. All of a sudden I'm getting them - I never should have mailed that letter. Lack of sleep and a brain fog that never seems to go away seem to be part of this thing too. I think last night is the first time I got over 6 hours almost all at once. Probably having the dog helped - I hand her back tonight.

It's a shame kids always have to take the brunt of this, S11 is blessed to have you creating a stable force around him. At 11, he's pretty vulnerable, and will need to know he's not the cause of what's going on.

It's amazing how much abuse the WW can pile on in addition to what they've already done. The selfishness is off the charts. A 2 year old in a 50 year old body wouldn't be as bad.

Keep plugging, you've got a good reason to!

[CWOL]

I try to imagine as best that I can, and I know that without going through the experience nobody really knows just how hard it is to let it go of the betrayal, deception and rejection.......not to mention all the unfairness that goes down in a divorce. I'm certain it would be a work in progress, if it were me. I hope it can start for you when she gets out f the house and the D is settled.

Sandi,
It is so true when they say the betrayal is probably the worst thing you can experience in life. If I weren't in this situation and a friend is instead, I probably would have callously told him, "Suck it up and be a man, just get over her!" But being my ox that's getting gored, it is very different.

I look back just half a year ago, I felt on top of the world. My work was going great, people were envious how wonderful our family was since we were always together, and we were planning our next tropical vacation. Now I'm trying to mend the pieces of a shattered marriage.

This forum has been very comforting to me. Reading words of support from you guys drove away the dark demons that plague my mind every morning. I have to focus on S11 and make sure I am doing my best for him.

[SH_]

This forum has been very comforting to me. Reading words of support from you guys drove away the dark demons that plague my mind every morning. I have to focus on S11 and make sure I am doing my best for him.

CWOL,

Both of these are things you will want to keep at the forefront of your thoughts each morning when you feel lost in the fog and depression. Your s will be key. I speak from my experience, that after WAW moved out, the following day was the darkest day I have ever experienced. I imagine it is the same as shock for those that have had a traumatic experience. I was not sure I could make it through, but when I knew I had to go pick up my girls from school, I found the strength to do so. That night being with them was the happiest night I have had in recent memory. And we just did homework, ate dinner, danced, and read some stories together.
Focus on your s. He benefits and he will be the beacon that you must focus on to come through the fog.

This forum is full of support and great advice. When you feel desperate or hopeless, the folks here know first hand what you are going through and will share ideas and provide support.

Do this and you will get through it. It won't be easy, but you will get through.

My prayers are for you and your s. May you have some peace this night and may you stay focused on the things that you can control. Live in the moment. It will minimize the pain to one moment. Live in the moment and you will more fully recognize and enjoy the happiness that you feel in that moment.

You got this.